Quakity Quak don't come back!
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Quakity Quak don't come back!
Quaking at its finest last night!
Had to meet xabf for his visit with dd at chic-fil-a. He asked me if I'd be attending the surprise birthday party at his neighbors house. I told him no. (I'm supposedly not allowed on xabfs property, dd would want to go over there, I can see that scene in my head now...)
He asked if he could take dd. Yea okay, sure Alcoholic, take the three year old to a party. That sounds like a great move.
How about no.
I didn't say it like above, but I wanted to. I just told him "no." In the middle of the play area he told me I was ridiculous and being an ass. I didn't respond only to say that I had been willing to work with him the first time I left when it was known he was sober. Or that I believed it anyway. I know better now.
he responded by blurting out "I Don't love you!".....
So I said I am not arguing in front of dd and went and sat in a booth where I could see dd playing and not have to listen to his nonsense. When they were saying their goodbyes he looked at me and said "you know what really sucks about this whole thing, L----?"
I asked him what
He said (extra dramatically while walking to his car) "I was with a girl for 4 years that I didn't even love!"
I calmly said the feeling is mutual!
It just seems like he isn't actually trying to get DD for her benefit. Last night showed he was just trying to hurt me, which his words can no longer do.
It did, however, make dd bite her nails on the way home.
Had to meet xabf for his visit with dd at chic-fil-a. He asked me if I'd be attending the surprise birthday party at his neighbors house. I told him no. (I'm supposedly not allowed on xabfs property, dd would want to go over there, I can see that scene in my head now...)
He asked if he could take dd. Yea okay, sure Alcoholic, take the three year old to a party. That sounds like a great move.
How about no.
I didn't say it like above, but I wanted to. I just told him "no." In the middle of the play area he told me I was ridiculous and being an ass. I didn't respond only to say that I had been willing to work with him the first time I left when it was known he was sober. Or that I believed it anyway. I know better now.
he responded by blurting out "I Don't love you!".....
So I said I am not arguing in front of dd and went and sat in a booth where I could see dd playing and not have to listen to his nonsense. When they were saying their goodbyes he looked at me and said "you know what really sucks about this whole thing, L----?"
I asked him what
He said (extra dramatically while walking to his car) "I was with a girl for 4 years that I didn't even love!"
I calmly said the feeling is mutual!
It just seems like he isn't actually trying to get DD for her benefit. Last night showed he was just trying to hurt me, which his words can no longer do.
It did, however, make dd bite her nails on the way home.
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My DS5 has also started nibbling his nails. I noticed it gets worse after he talks to his dad (the once every 6 weeks or so that my ex bothers to call and talk to him, and isn't just leaving some drunken rant on my vociemail). The weird thing is that I completely stopped a lifelong nailbiting habit after I was away from my ex for good.
There was another thread where someone- I think it was Dandylion- made a really good point. The reason so many As and personality disordered parents fight so hard for custody is not because they actually care about seeing the kids, but in order to hurt the other parent. Once they get visitation/custody arranged by the court they start coming up with excuses to avoid it because parental responsibility cuts into their drinking and "me" time.
It makes me grateful that my ex is no longer functional enough to put up a fight about anything. Hugs Blossom. You're a good mommy. Just keep your head up a little while longer.
There was another thread where someone- I think it was Dandylion- made a really good point. The reason so many As and personality disordered parents fight so hard for custody is not because they actually care about seeing the kids, but in order to hurt the other parent. Once they get visitation/custody arranged by the court they start coming up with excuses to avoid it because parental responsibility cuts into their drinking and "me" time.
It makes me grateful that my ex is no longer functional enough to put up a fight about anything. Hugs Blossom. You're a good mommy. Just keep your head up a little while longer.
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It just seems like he isn't actually trying to get DD for her benefit.
I know my ex wanted shared custody of the kids because he wanted the kids around because it made him feel like less of a failure. Which is a really horrible reason for wanting custody of your kids. Making them be the adults who take care of the A.
I'm proud of you for keeping your cool. I think this is what they mean when they say "more will be revealed" -- my lawyer used a different phrase; he said "give 'em enough rope"...
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You are doing GREAT Blossom & getting better at seeing the Quacks coming your way!
I agree, he's using DD as a pawn & that's gross. You handled this very gracefully; you should be SO, SO proud of yourself.
I don't have any real experience with this & I know your DD is still a little one, but sometimes we can help just by changing the tone after the interactions we have with our Qualifiers. For DD at this age I would whip out a Disney CD & we would sing along with Ariel & Pocahontas & Mary Poppins & make silly faces & giggle & talk about anything that would make her smile & laugh on the ride home from this visitation. I would tell her I love her smile & tease her about the Tickle Monster that was going to get her as soon as she got out of her carseat (wiggling fingers in the mirror for her to see, getting her excited & squealing with baby giggles), talk about going home to make cookies or see Grandma or her pets or whatever makes her smile.
Simple stuff like that helped my DD a lot at times - we just took the focus OFF of AH & acted like it was just water off our ducky backs. Quack, lol!
I agree, he's using DD as a pawn & that's gross. You handled this very gracefully; you should be SO, SO proud of yourself.
It did, however, make dd bite her nails on the way home.
Simple stuff like that helped my DD a lot at times - we just took the focus OFF of AH & acted like it was just water off our ducky backs. Quack, lol!
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Awe sweetie, I am sorry. They say hurtful things like that b/c he sees you getting on with your life and doing much better and he is trying to think of where he can get you where it hurts. Quuaaccckkkk......
I too try to do what FS suggests above, just change the tone. It's really easy to let that crap ruin your day, eventually it will slide right off your back.
Hugs.
I too try to do what FS suggests above, just change the tone. It's really easy to let that crap ruin your day, eventually it will slide right off your back.
Hugs.
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Originally Posted by Blossom717 
he responded by blurting out "I Don't love you!".....
And here I was just wondering what it means when they say "If you want to see an alcoholic's true colors tell them 'no'.". Even though I've had almost identical exchanges with AH.
Like others have said good for you, and yes you should be so proud of yourself! This is some PhD-level detachment. About your DD's nail biting, I only have noticed people with anxiety issues who deal with this, and those that did so as kids I can look back and see how it could have been family drama related. ForeSprite's suggestions sound really helpful.
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lilamy - yes, that's what I meant, he is not concerned for whats good for her. I think if he were then he wouldn't have said those things in front of her.
Those are good ideas Firesprite! I will have to try them. Most of the time I will start asking her about her day at school and her friends.
We have a mediation appointment on the 16th...I'm going in with some parenting plan scheduling ideas. Other than every other weekend visits and dinner one night a week, I don't know what else he might even agree to. I will only agree to that if he will do drug testings and agree to not drink on his weekends.
I really don't think he can handle even that much time. I might write up some different options to throw out there first, like dinner once a week and then every other weekend he gets her but not over night. Suggestions?
Those are good ideas Firesprite! I will have to try them. Most of the time I will start asking her about her day at school and her friends.
We have a mediation appointment on the 16th...I'm going in with some parenting plan scheduling ideas. Other than every other weekend visits and dinner one night a week, I don't know what else he might even agree to. I will only agree to that if he will do drug testings and agree to not drink on his weekends.
I really don't think he can handle even that much time. I might write up some different options to throw out there first, like dinner once a week and then every other weekend he gets her but not over night. Suggestions?
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Good for you on dealing with the quackery.
On mediation, the tricky part is monitoring the sobriety or the "not drinking during visitation." Maybe try Soberlink so you don't have to be the one in the middle of testing? Doesn't pick up drugs, though.
On mediation, the tricky part is monitoring the sobriety or the "not drinking during visitation." Maybe try Soberlink so you don't have to be the one in the middle of testing? Doesn't pick up drugs, though.
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