CodeJob

So Ms. Salad Shooter here pointed out in counseling last session that when H says he supports my running, it is a lie. Mr. T & rAH were all about my distorted thinking but this was not totally accurate and I was like whatever you two cornballs and dropped the subject.

In fact, I got a failing grade from Mr. T for not acknowledging my H's feelings and I was NOT too guilty feeling. I left there thinking TOO BAD....... I think my lack of acknowledging H's feelings is for 20 years his have truly come first in a passive aggressive way more often than not...

Last Sat. RAH was all bummed I was busy as I had to train 10M. This only took me a few hours in the am. I was home by 10:30. He was put out that I was busy all day... Well hello keeping myself busy keeps me out of his business (or lack thereof). I reminded him AGAIN I had my last half marathon on 10/5 for the year. My running is tapering down after that.

So last night he was ticked off that I did not want to volunteer for an event late on Sat night as I had to run the half the next morning. 'It is our tradition to work the event..." I responded, "Well sign up with DS!" And he gets mad!? Again my running is some sort of huge boulder in what we do 'together.' He was all passive aggressive and I tried to point out I was willing to sign up for an earlier time slot, so I was not saying NO outright. So he finally settled down and signed all of us up for an earlier time slot... But all of this was to make it look like I don't want to spend time with him bc I am busy...

So I am just typing this up in case anyone else is struggling with old patterns of behavior.

Also My RAH told me I was so busy I missed the only time he is interested in sex. Bah ha ha ha! I am supposed to live for the weekend - which passed with NOTHING - not even a back rub or a hug. Thank GOD I do run as a partial outlet. Then he said, let's meet on Monday night but football entertained him instead. A big part of our relationship problem is there is no intimacy - not just sex. So I can print this out and tell them not only am I not distorted but I am using humor to cope but sweet Jesus that is not going to work forever!

lillamy

I realize this is only a partial account of what's going on, but seriously, it sounds to me like this therapist wants you to be a raging codependent instead of the sane, minding your own side of the street person you are.

You keep running, baby. It's cheaper than therapy and probably better for you than meeting with this particular therapist. And have a great race on Sunday!

honeypig

You KNOW it's not your running that's the problem, right? In fact, as lillamy pointed out, running does seem to have several advantages over seeing your current therapist...

I hear the same thing from my RAH about my being "too busy." He doesn't like that I've taken a second job, which I did b/c it's been an expensive year and I want to try to recoup the savings we've spent on car repairs, new heater, etc. He doesn't like that I work a weird shift and thus am not on his same schedule. He tells me "I miss you" and then in the next breath tells me "I really need to get some ME time." W T F?!?!

Luckily, I was pretty much able to disregard all this early on--I'd been carrying around some guilt about the lack of sex in our relationship and then had a moment of clarity where I realized "Hey! WHO is the one who would stay upstairs (drinking) in his model-building studio all afternoon when we had plans for extra-curricular activities? WHO is the one who'd want to take a nap first (b/c of drinking, I'm sure) and then sleep all afternoon and never get around to it? WHO is the one who never had any time after work (b/c he had to get upstairs and drink)?" Yeah, it sure as hell wasn't ME....

And I was fortunate enough to see the same pattern here in the "I miss you, you don't really need to work that extra job, blah blah" BS and not fall for it for more than a nanosecond.

So run like a madwoman, and do tell us how your half goes. Which one are you doing?

(By the way, the "Ms. Salad Shooter" thing almost made me pee my pants w/laughter--funny, funny, funny!)

schnappi99

CJ that sounds like control attempts on his part which you are thwarting by living your life. I know I have pulled analogous stuff with C&C when I've been acting out. Patience in the face of that kind of thing is very difficult- I know it has been with C&C- and for me when the roles are reversed. The alanon work has helped me A LOT ie not going to every fight to which I'm invited. If he's operating like I did then he will use any and every issue that arises as a tool with which to attempt control.. its very much a codie act-out.

But I think you're on the right track by making the changes you need for yourself... working on that for my part as well.

The intimacy stuff hits close to home though, its a big thing between C&C and I. Before starting recovery and even a while after I would not hesitate to use it as a weapon... "why won't you..." "when will you..." etc and play the martyr. Given that a lot of what makes sex interesting to a woman is the emotional connection its no surprise there is a problem when he takes an attitude like he has... its started becoming quite clear to me how my attitude has contributed to our own intimacy issues- its taken a focused effort at changing myself to respond differently to my own desire and not lose focus and do the pity party.

C&C and I have spent a lot of time w/ a couples counsellor.. they vary of course and sometimes (often) get it wrong. She doesn't think much of his techniques- I have my doubts too OTOH he's clearly been better than nothing. He's a double-winner and primarily works an AA recovery so I'm down to seeing him every 2 weeks sort-of as a 12-step technical advisor. Once he mentioned that he intentionally reduced the intensity of his work with us so as to not get C&C so pissed that she would stop coming.. the argument being that limited progress is better than none. Really though I think C&C never really hit it off w/ him. So there could by dynamics such as that in play.. I view our counsellor work as of secondary importance to alanon so at the moment I'm not investing a lot in it.

Good luck!

firebolt

Ms. Salad Shooter - BAAAHAHAHAH.

It is OK to tell the truth. "I have had a lot to deal with the last several years. I've put other people and other peoples problems ahead of myself for too long, and it is time to take care of myself and make myself happy. Running is doing that for me right now, and I need to do it. I will emerge a better, healthier person because of it. You are completely able to volunteer on your own."

As far as "the only time he is interested in sex," well it seems like Mr. Salad Catcher needs to figure out FOR HIMSELF why he isn't able to find a level of intimacy outside a certain time of the week.

Good job MSS - and good luck on your half!!

MissFixit

What if the roles were reversed and you told rah that his AA, sports, whatever, get in the way of "your" time together? He sounds full of crap. I agree he sounds controlling. If he doesn't like the way you are, then he can leave, right? Molding you into the woman he thinks he wants is like you/us trying to mold an A into a sober partner. Not going to work in a healthy way.

As far as the T, I think a woman therapist might be more sympathetic with your side. I guess he wants your rah to feel heard and validated. The problem is that not all of our wants/desires are going to be met. We have to decide how much compromise we are willing to do before pulling the plug.

Good luck

redatlanta

Oh Please. I'm sure you lost sleep over that comment.

"I was horny but you were running"

Stung

He does sound controlling. My RAH oscillates between controlling Codie behavior and passive aggressive behavior. The other half of the time he's really pleasant to be around.

We're still interviewing potential therapist to find a good fit - I've been told that finding the right marriage therapist is like dating, so we're trying out a few different ones and RAH and I both have major FOO issues so I want someone who will point out when we're acting out FOO stuff on one another. Are you guys very committed to that particular therapist? You could always try out a different one for a few sessions just to see what else is out there.

I agree that running is like free therapy. Yoga works pretty well too. Good luck on your half! I have my next one in two weeks.