Emotions
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Fl
Posts: 118
Emotions
So needless to say my emotions have been all over the place. Yesterday I was feeling sad and guilty that my husband is in jail even though his actions and unnacceptable behavior ultimately led him to be there. Then his dealer kept texting so I started to feel the familiar wave of anger and resentment. Then my mother in law txted to say my husband wanted to see me. I explained to her Ido not want to see him. I know what he will say-empty promises then if that tactic doesn't work anger because I'm the one who called the cops on him. Then she asked me to please take him his personal stuff- wallet, etc. That again made me angry! Really I'm a little busy working and trying to keep my sanity and take care of my kids. Then followed by another dose of sadness- maybe I do just not want to take him his things to punish him. Ugh it's maddening. I am keeping my lawyer appt this am and hopefully gain some clarity. This sucks.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Text the mother in law's number to the dealer.
OK no, that's mean. I get how you feel. Your husband is an adult, but his mom wants you to baby him and enable him because of course her precious boy can't take care of himself. I remember that dynamic between my ex and his mom. Any time he got in trouble or hurt himself or was arrested she would swoop in like a mother hen and "rescue" him from the consequences. Then of course she was the first one to sit around and lament and wonder why he never seemed to learn any lessons from these crises.
When I left she was actually angrier than he was. He was just kind of resigned at that point. I had told him he could drink or he could have a family. He chose drinking. But she went totally ballistic, screaming, cursing, calling me names. All because she was terrified that he wouldn't have anyone to take care of him and that something bad would happen- to him, an adult, not to me or my kids. It was pretty messed up.
She was a good little enabler for him that next couple of months, until she finally saw the reality of his disease, realized that the "grocery money" she was giving him was all being spent on booze. So she said no more money, she was just going to buy him groceries (her idea of a boundary). He punched her in the face and when his dad intervened my ex threatened to kill him. She called me sobbing about this, and I was like, "Yeah, welcome to my world." I didn't say that, but I did feel some small, petty satisfaction. Then I told her to go to Alanon.
OK no, that's mean. I get how you feel. Your husband is an adult, but his mom wants you to baby him and enable him because of course her precious boy can't take care of himself. I remember that dynamic between my ex and his mom. Any time he got in trouble or hurt himself or was arrested she would swoop in like a mother hen and "rescue" him from the consequences. Then of course she was the first one to sit around and lament and wonder why he never seemed to learn any lessons from these crises.
When I left she was actually angrier than he was. He was just kind of resigned at that point. I had told him he could drink or he could have a family. He chose drinking. But she went totally ballistic, screaming, cursing, calling me names. All because she was terrified that he wouldn't have anyone to take care of him and that something bad would happen- to him, an adult, not to me or my kids. It was pretty messed up.
She was a good little enabler for him that next couple of months, until she finally saw the reality of his disease, realized that the "grocery money" she was giving him was all being spent on booze. So she said no more money, she was just going to buy him groceries (her idea of a boundary). He punched her in the face and when his dad intervened my ex threatened to kill him. She called me sobbing about this, and I was like, "Yeah, welcome to my world." I didn't say that, but I did feel some small, petty satisfaction. Then I told her to go to Alanon.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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This is a hard time for you. Please don't second-guess your emotions, just stick by your boundaries.
Block the dealer (after you give his number to the cops), see your lawyer, and be very very proud of yourself for calling the police. It was a hard thing to do, and it was the right thing to do. (((Hugs)))
Block the dealer (after you give his number to the cops), see your lawyer, and be very very proud of yourself for calling the police. It was a hard thing to do, and it was the right thing to do. (((Hugs)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Fl
Posts: 118
Ok so went to lawyers. She told me i could try to get a restraining order to keep him out of our home and its free to file. She also gave me costs of divorce process. Im just angry and sad. I know i dont want him coming here. Im not sure im ready to give up on him but i cant live with his active addiction behavior.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Filing for a restraining order might be doing him a favor. Whether he respects it or not, it's giving him a real life consequence of his actions -- and an opportunity to determine whether he wants to continue throwing his life down the toilet or not.
I honestly think my ex thought he could continue his abuse indefinitely. Getting a restraining order and realizing he'd end up in jail long-term if he continued harassing me actually smacked some sense into him for a while.
Whether or not he takes that chance is beside the point. It's not your responsibility. You need to take care of YOU -- as someone said to me, "you can change and fix your life later, but you have to be alive to do that -- so make sure you stay safe and stay alive."
I honestly think my ex thought he could continue his abuse indefinitely. Getting a restraining order and realizing he'd end up in jail long-term if he continued harassing me actually smacked some sense into him for a while.
Whether or not he takes that chance is beside the point. It's not your responsibility. You need to take care of YOU -- as someone said to me, "you can change and fix your life later, but you have to be alive to do that -- so make sure you stay safe and stay alive."
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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I don't think they let you HAVE your wallet, personal items, in JAIL? don't they take all that stuff from you when you are booked?
you could reply to the dealer "this phone is now property of the XXX police department" and then block the number. same with the MIL. you don't need the stress.
the restraining order sounds like a good idea. a really good idea. this isn't about YOU giving UP on him, it's about you facing the reality of who he is today.
you could reply to the dealer "this phone is now property of the XXX police department" and then block the number. same with the MIL. you don't need the stress.
the restraining order sounds like a good idea. a really good idea. this isn't about YOU giving UP on him, it's about you facing the reality of who he is today.
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