wanttobehealthy

I can all but assure you AA is NOT telling her to not make decisions about things like affairs... I think any credible AA group would likely call her out on being involved in an affair and still stringing you along too...

Also, being physically sober is one thing... It doesnt sound like mind set wise her mind/emotions are sober yet at all and that is all her choice.

They say that AA require rigorous honesty right? I think you have identified that that is not occurring with your wife and I guess the real question for you (not that there has to be an answer) is "how much can you live with?".

wanttobehealthy

Oh sorry! I didnt realize that about the counselor. My mistake. Is the counselor someone with experience in addiction? I would not be going into marriage counseling with someone who is still struggling to avoid an honest look at their behavior... My experience was that my xAH used marriage counseling as a way to blame his behavior on other people, places and things and manipulated the therapist to high heaven as A's are skilled at doing

naddur

Actually I still believe she is trying to show rigorous honesty. She has ended the affair, she has committed to be with me while she works though this process. However, she has so many walls in her psyche she can't even be honest with herself yet about her past actions. For me this goes back to, is she withholding or is she incapable? While I totter between the 2, I more often than not land on I believe she is still incapable. I have hope her working the steps and working through her childhood trauma will eventually lead her to her true self, where she will be capable of providing the level of emotional and physical love I want in a partner.

naddur

Our counselor rocks in my opinion. She specializes in childhood trauma and addiction actually. We were extremely lucky to actually start using her 2 years ago when my mother's addiction ramped up and caused tension between my wife and I. She had us both attending ACOA Al-Anon and has done a couple EMDR sessions with each of us on some of the childhood trauma. We stupidly stopped going to therapy and Al-Anon to save our sick and vacation time when we got pregnant with our 2nd kid (STUPID!!!!). But it has been extremely helpful for us that we already had a professional who was familiar with our history.

naddur

Well had a interesting therapy session today. Therapist had me sit on the ground in the dark in front of a empty chair and imagine my wife sitting in the chair above me. I had been texting my therapist the past week my feelings and they were primarily about my feelings of depression and insecurity. Anyways, needless to say, I felt like I had gotten my 'power' back from that empty chair (my wife) by the end of the session. Afterwards, I wrote a little journal entry and that kinda summed it up. I don't know if I will ever share this with her, but I thought it might feel good to throw it out into the universe some way.

----
You have said you love me. But the truth is I don't feel like you love me. I believe you love the things that I bring to the table. A successful career, good parenting, a supportive family, monetary stability, and a caring ear. However, I have not felt like you love ME. I feel I have been giving you unrequited love. You were the one that messed up this marriage, you were the one that decided to drink, cheat, and lie. You took this amazing relationship and threw it in the trash then tried to burn it to hell. I am a good person, I did not deserve what you did to our relationship. I deserve to have an amazing relationship. I want to love a partner that loves me in return.

I whole heartedly accept the things that you have done to work towards a healthier marriage. Your commitment not to see other people both physically or emotionally, your commitment not to drink, your commitment to going to AA, your commitment to working the steps with your sponsor, your commitment to going to therapy, your choice to plan and to do things together, your choice to talk about your recovery, your choice to reciprocate hugs and semi-intimate kisses, and your choice to sleep in our bed together again. These things make me feel cared for, but I would be lying to say I feel loved.

If I don't feel like you want to become a better healthier partner, you will be the one that will be leaving the house. I didn't mess up this relationship, so I refuse to sacrifice or lose anything I don't want to lose any more. If I feel you are trying to become a better partner in this marriage we can continue to work our separate programs together to try and piece together this tattered relationship you have created, but I refuse to continue to give you unrequited love. That is my power, it is my love and it is precious to me. If you want me to love you, you need to prove to me you are the partner I believe I deserve. You need to prove with actions not just words that a healthy version of you loves ME.