he says he feels "abandoned"
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Originally Posted by unease7 
Do any of you ever get this? Where he basically tell you things about yourself (untrue things)and its upsetting so you start defending yourself and he says : see this is why I cant talk to you , you cant talk calmly you just have to get all emotional and raise your voice or even if I dont raise my voice then its just my attitude that the tone of my voice is all angry and he just cannot talk to me when I am like this .
Sunny09 they know us well enough to know what to say to push those buttons
Sunny09 they know us well enough to know what to say to push those buttons
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Rant on!
Mine said to me on more than one occasion that his worst fear was being abandoned and kicked out in the street. He said he didn’t want me to give up on him.
I told him if anyone is giving up on anyone it is you giving up on yourself. I have nothing to do with you getting or remaining sober. That lies on your side of the street and it stays there, forever. Your decision, your recovery, your issues, your problems, you, not me.
The last time I caught him in his lies and called him out on it, he refused to admit so instead he said he was leaving. So much for that abandonment issue. They don't want you to leave but they have no problem picking up and taking off for hours/days! He packed his stuff and out he went on a four day crack binge. When he came back he claimed I kicked him out because he sent me a text an hour after he left wanting to come back. I told him to get a motel and call one of the men from AA. He did neither but it was my fault. Me telling him no was the same as kicking him out.
He made a choice in all of the above. He chose to lie, he chose to leave, he chose to use crack, he chose to sell everything he had including his car to get more crack. He made the choice to do everything that he did and all the of the back lash from that incident rests on him and him alone. I take no part of it, at all.
Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Mine said to me on more than one occasion that his worst fear was being abandoned and kicked out in the street. He said he didn’t want me to give up on him.
I told him if anyone is giving up on anyone it is you giving up on yourself. I have nothing to do with you getting or remaining sober. That lies on your side of the street and it stays there, forever. Your decision, your recovery, your issues, your problems, you, not me.
The last time I caught him in his lies and called him out on it, he refused to admit so instead he said he was leaving. So much for that abandonment issue. They don't want you to leave but they have no problem picking up and taking off for hours/days! He packed his stuff and out he went on a four day crack binge. When he came back he claimed I kicked him out because he sent me a text an hour after he left wanting to come back. I told him to get a motel and call one of the men from AA. He did neither but it was my fault. Me telling him no was the same as kicking him out.
He made a choice in all of the above. He chose to lie, he chose to leave, he chose to use crack, he chose to sell everything he had including his car to get more crack. He made the choice to do everything that he did and all the of the back lash from that incident rests on him and him alone. I take no part of it, at all.
Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
You might want to ask an A, but if they were working the 12 steps then he wouldn't be blaming someone else for his actions. I don't think he would be acting this way. Keep with NC - no contact. They now how to ware you down, make you feel sorrow for them. Don't do it, as they will bring you in and pick your pocket.
Run and run fast. They are all the same as you can see. Good luck!!
Run and run fast. They are all the same as you can see. Good luck!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by Kboys
OMG! They really are all the same! It's amazing.
My AH came to lay down with me on the bed, just as the babies were almost asleep, and got upset because they were on the bed, and started yelling about what a "horrible woman" I am for not making him my priority, when all he wants is just to be with me.
I tell him "I was just about to put them down if you can be quiet please they will fall asleep and we can lay together."
He says: "Oh, so now I have to be the one to do something in order to be able to be with my wife?! I have to be the one to make changes, when I have been telling you over and over that I'm unhappy and you do nothing about it?!"
SUCH selfishness is amazing
My AH came to lay down with me on the bed, just as the babies were almost asleep, and got upset because they were on the bed, and started yelling about what a "horrible woman" I am for not making him my priority, when all he wants is just to be with me.
I tell him "I was just about to put them down if you can be quiet please they will fall asleep and we can lay together."
He says: "Oh, so now I have to be the one to do something in order to be able to be with my wife?! I have to be the one to make changes, when I have been telling you over and over that I'm unhappy and you do nothing about it?!"
SUCH selfishness is amazing
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by Kboys
OMG! They really are all the same! It's amazing.
My AH came to lay down with me on the bed, just as the babies were almost asleep, and got upset because they were on the bed, and started yelling about what a "horrible woman" I am for not making him my priority, when all he wants is just to be with me.
I tell him "I was just about to put them down if you can be quiet please they will fall asleep and we can lay together."
He says: "Oh, so now I have to be the one to do something in order to be able to be with my wife?! I have to be the one to make changes, when I have been telling you over and over that I'm unhappy and you do nothing about it?!"
SUCH selfishness is amazing
My AH came to lay down with me on the bed, just as the babies were almost asleep, and got upset because they were on the bed, and started yelling about what a "horrible woman" I am for not making him my priority, when all he wants is just to be with me.
I tell him "I was just about to put them down if you can be quiet please they will fall asleep and we can lay together."
He says: "Oh, so now I have to be the one to do something in order to be able to be with my wife?! I have to be the one to make changes, when I have been telling you over and over that I'm unhappy and you do nothing about it?!"
SUCH selfishness is amazing
Originally Posted by Kboys
Mine likes to accuse me of cheating on him (which is absolutely not true, and in fact he is the one who has cheated multiple times). It upsets me when he takes some random thing, like there's a smudge on the inside of my car's windshield that he didn't see before, so I must have had sex with someone in the car today. It is so ridiculous, but I still feel like I have to defend it. And then when I get irritated and defensive he says, "Why are you getting mad and defensive, I just asked you a question. By getting defensive you're telling me that it's true."
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
mine once went thru all the call logs incoming and outgoing on our att account then printed them out and confronted me about a certain Seatle Washington # that in his twisted sick mind I had been calling I told him I had know I idea what he was talking about and to call the # see who it is he said I did its been disconnected! when I told him several more times i had no idea who's # this was he said well ARE YOU SURE?? cause according to this call log you've dialed it more than once??? Now in my mind Im thinking this idiot has seriously convinced himself of this and I have no way to prove him wrong other than telling him I dont have any idea what u are talking about !!!!!! imagine all the wrong # calls we ALL get or sells callls there is no way I could be responsible for knowing or recognizing every incomming or outgoing call and I dont normaly delete my call logs so he could have been looking at a years worth of calls once he felt he had sufficently upset me (I was crying my eyes out) because my husband is acusing me of something I could never do.He decided to let it go, he says what convinced him of my innocence was how upset I became, so not that he ever just beleived I was telling the truth. WHAT THAT WAS IS HIS GUILT for things I dont even know about and may never know but I do believe he has cheated and he tries to project his guilt on me, It takes a very sick minded and insecure person to treat ANYONE this way.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Originally Posted by unease7
OMG!!!!!! yes SAME THING!
mine once went thru all the call logs incoming and outgoing on our att account then printed them out and confronted me about a certain Seatle Washington # that in his twisted sick mind I had been calling I told him I had know I idea what he was talking about and to call the # see who it is he said I did its been disconnected! when I told him several more times i had no idea who's # this was he said well ARE YOU SURE?? cause according to this call log you've dialed it more than once??? Now in my mind Im thinking this idiot has seriously convinced himself of this and I have no way to prove him wrong other than telling him I dont have any idea what u are talking about !!!!!! imagine all the wrong # calls we ALL get or sells callls there is no way I could be responsible for knowing or recognizing every incomming or outgoing call and I dont normaly delete my call logs so he could have been looking at a years worth of calls once he felt he had sufficently upset me (I was crying my eyes out) because my husband is acusing me of something I could never do.He decided to let it go, he says what convinced him of my innocence was how upset I became, so not that he ever just beleived I was telling the truth. WHAT THAT WAS IS HIS GUILT for things I dont even know about and may never know but I do believe he has cheated and he tries to project his guilt on me, It takes a very sick minded and insecure person to treat ANYONE this way.
mine once went thru all the call logs incoming and outgoing on our att account then printed them out and confronted me about a certain Seatle Washington # that in his twisted sick mind I had been calling I told him I had know I idea what he was talking about and to call the # see who it is he said I did its been disconnected! when I told him several more times i had no idea who's # this was he said well ARE YOU SURE?? cause according to this call log you've dialed it more than once??? Now in my mind Im thinking this idiot has seriously convinced himself of this and I have no way to prove him wrong other than telling him I dont have any idea what u are talking about !!!!!! imagine all the wrong # calls we ALL get or sells callls there is no way I could be responsible for knowing or recognizing every incomming or outgoing call and I dont normaly delete my call logs so he could have been looking at a years worth of calls once he felt he had sufficently upset me (I was crying my eyes out) because my husband is acusing me of something I could never do.He decided to let it go, he says what convinced him of my innocence was how upset I became, so not that he ever just beleived I was telling the truth. WHAT THAT WAS IS HIS GUILT for things I dont even know about and may never know but I do believe he has cheated and he tries to project his guilt on me, It takes a very sick minded and insecure person to treat ANYONE this way.
Mine has done the same things many times- looking through my call log, making accusations, calling the numbers unknown to him. So infuriating! So I started deleting any telemarketer calls, or any other numbers that I knew he would question, like the dentist, or calls for work, or whatever.. Even though there was no reason to, because I had done nothing wrong. But I would do it anyway just to avoid the drama... But then he would just come up with some other even more ridiculous piece of information to use to accuse me with. Like my hair looked messy, so I must have been having sex (not because I've been taking care of toddlers), or I did my makeup differently, so I must be going to meet up with my "boyfriend" (God forbid, I actally have an extra 5 minutes in the morning and might want to make myself look decent so I can feel better about myself). He could take literally anything and twist it into me cheating on him when he is drinking. Once he found a paperclip on the floor in the garage... and we all know what that means.... Ridiculous, and laughable.
There is just no pleasing them, and there is no point in trying. I am finally starting to learn that.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
LOL....sounds like a child separated from mommy at the mall. Of course he's not responsible for his words and actions, for the big screw ups, it's your fault. Active alcoholics stopped maturing a long time ago....a good term is "his majesty the child!"
Be happy this is soon behind you.
Be happy this is soon behind you.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by Kboys
You are so right!
Mine has done the same things many times- looking through my call log, making accusations, calling the numbers unknown to him. So infuriating! So I started deleting any telemarketer calls, or any other numbers that I knew he would question, like the dentist, or calls for work, or whatever.. Even though there was no reason to, because I had done nothing wrong. But I would do it anyway just to avoid the drama... But then he would just come up with some other even more ridiculous piece of information to use to accuse me with. Like my hair looked messy, so I must have been having sex (not because I've been taking care of toddlers), or I did my makeup differently, so I must be going to meet up with my "boyfriend" (God forbid, I actally have an extra 5 minutes in the morning and might want to make myself look decent so I can feel better about myself). He could take literally anything and twist it into me cheating on him when he is drinking. Once he found a paperclip on the floor in the garage... and we all know what that means.... Ridiculous, and laughable.
There is just no pleasing them, and there is no point in trying. I am finally starting to learn that.
Mine has done the same things many times- looking through my call log, making accusations, calling the numbers unknown to him. So infuriating! So I started deleting any telemarketer calls, or any other numbers that I knew he would question, like the dentist, or calls for work, or whatever.. Even though there was no reason to, because I had done nothing wrong. But I would do it anyway just to avoid the drama... But then he would just come up with some other even more ridiculous piece of information to use to accuse me with. Like my hair looked messy, so I must have been having sex (not because I've been taking care of toddlers), or I did my makeup differently, so I must be going to meet up with my "boyfriend" (God forbid, I actally have an extra 5 minutes in the morning and might want to make myself look decent so I can feel better about myself). He could take literally anything and twist it into me cheating on him when he is drinking. Once he found a paperclip on the floor in the garage... and we all know what that means.... Ridiculous, and laughable.
There is just no pleasing them, and there is no point in trying. I am finally starting to learn that.
Edited to add: I have been off the pill now for 10 months and actually feel great. He hasn't asked about it but now accuses me of cheating when I got to my Al Anon meetings.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
Interesting...I thought my XAH constantly accusing me of cheating was "his" thing - or just an "***hole" thing - maybe it's a common alcoholic fear of abandonment thing (because somewhere in there sloshing around with the ethanol, they know that no woman in her right mind would put up with this)?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Originally Posted by lizatola
Here's one my AH threw at me. He has constantly accused me of cheating, too. We were in marriage counseling and he was talking about how I'm still on the pill and how there's no need for me to be on the pill since we're not having sex so therefore I must be doing someone else. I have repeatedly told him that the pill helped to regulate my cycles and that I didn't want to suffer the migraine hormonal headaches I used to get, etc. Nope, that can't be it, must be another guy! UGH!
Edited to add: I have been off the pill now for 10 months and actually feel great. He hasn't asked about it but now accuses me of cheating when I got to my Al Anon meetings.
Edited to add: I have been off the pill now for 10 months and actually feel great. He hasn't asked about it but now accuses me of cheating when I got to my Al Anon meetings.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 18
I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for all the comforting replies. I posted a couple days ago and haven't been able to reply until now. It makes such a difference, just hearing others supportive comments and "been there" stories.
It really is eye-opening when I hear how similar the As are with their excuses and patterns! Thanks everybody.
It really is eye-opening when I hear how similar the As are with their excuses and patterns! Thanks everybody.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
I have just read this thread and saw myself in every post as the A.
Its true, all of it, all A's have the same excuses and completely believe their 'logic'
My XA came out with some totally crazy things, the most horrendous being " I have to travel 300miles to a hospital for a week to be tested for cancer"
This after his mother had died from the disease when he was still a child, we were having 'issues' and living separately and he had recently spent a week overseas visiting his Dad and his young son.
Turns out he'd spent every night, while abroad visiting his family, with an old girlfriend, using, and had then arranged for her to spend a further week 'reliving his youth' with her as his bed partner!
Even after finding out the truth I didn't want to believe it.
No Contact is the ONLY way I got through the aftermath.
Thinking about it now (7 years on) it still turns my stomach yet I'm no different to him.
Maybe I am but I have No excuses anymore, I'm just trying to make peace with myself by my continuing sobriety.
If this post is in the wrong place feel free to move it please.
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
Its true, all of it, all A's have the same excuses and completely believe their 'logic'
My XA came out with some totally crazy things, the most horrendous being " I have to travel 300miles to a hospital for a week to be tested for cancer"
This after his mother had died from the disease when he was still a child, we were having 'issues' and living separately and he had recently spent a week overseas visiting his Dad and his young son.
Turns out he'd spent every night, while abroad visiting his family, with an old girlfriend, using, and had then arranged for her to spend a further week 'reliving his youth' with her as his bed partner!
Even after finding out the truth I didn't want to believe it.
No Contact is the ONLY way I got through the aftermath.
Thinking about it now (7 years on) it still turns my stomach yet I'm no different to him.
Maybe I am but I have No excuses anymore, I'm just trying to make peace with myself by my continuing sobriety.
If this post is in the wrong place feel free to move it please.
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
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