merrygoround1

Things have been over for awhile.

I just heard that exAH had an affair. I am at a cross roads. Do I go down that path and bring it up or let it go. The divorce is a mess already.

So I keep playing ITS OVER (to try to stay on higher ground and let it go)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=102HX7VMaeY

dandylion

merrygoround....didn't you already "know" this? Are you at all surprised, really?

It is my personal opinion that it doesn't matter what you do one way or the other....it won't change anything....
So....do what you want.....

***It is always good procedure to mention significant findings to your lawyer...for the record.

dandylion

SparkleKitty

I'm so sorry Merry. Sending you strength and hugs. I would talk to your lawyer about the new information and get their opinion on whether it has any value to you in the divorce proceedings.

merrygoround1

dandylion
I had my suspicions a long time ago. They were close for a couple of years - I actually just looked at my email and never had but one email from her those two years - but then she started just contacting me and would come by the house and got married and we went to her wedding. I guess I just thought no way.

Lawyer says that I should go down that route - but I just see billable hours and wondering what does this accomplish. Nothing.

lillamy

Trust your lawyer. I mean it. A good lawyer walking you through this in the best way possible is worth every penny.

hopeful4

Here is how I put it to my X. He could basically agree to my terms, or I would use his affair (I have some very solid proof) at go for an at fault divorce which means I could collect spousal support and have forced him to pay my attorney fees and his too.

I do feel this helped move things along as he knew I was dead serious. We hammered out our own agreement, had it filed, and are now divorced. I am glad this is the way it went, I just wanted it all to be over.

The only way to move is forward. I am so sorry for your hurt my friend.

dandylion

merrygoround.....if he knows that you now know what he did....it might cause his to shut his mouth a little bit more.
If you do let him know that you know....DO NOT SHOW YOUR HAND!!. He will deny it, of course. They all do--even when caught in the act, sometimes.....
Let him figure out what "proof" you have....

That you "know", and, that he knows you "know" should be enough.

HOWEVER....keep in mind that I am just spitballing from the outside on this.
You have to make the final decision on what you want to do.

dandylion

hopeful4

Oh yes Dandy, I agree. I did not ever tell my X what evidence I have, even to this day.
That's not for him to know. The thing was, if he did not know what I had he could not try to tell me it's not valid. I just said I have solid proof and left it at that.

dandylion

Hopeful4......exactly my point! Good poker....LOL!

dandylion

merrygoround1

It is actually not a lot of "proof" - just a public admission to someone. But the threat of calling everyone in and the embarrassment could do it. I will mull this over. It is not in me to be the angry X and I don't want to become that person - but maybe it is the 10 ton weight I need to drop to make sure it ends quickly.

hopeful4

The thing is, he does not really know what the proof is. He does not have to know. I agree, it's not good for you to become the angry X. However, you have to do some things to protect your future.

Live

Have you gone to be tested for STDs?

merrygoround1

When I moved out my OBGYN made me at my yearly appt. I teared up. She said just for good measure. Is my denial that obvious? My denial - this is a good man from a good family? I guess it took me forever to come to grips with owning that I was part of alcoholic induced chaos.... I guess I just don't want to know....is a bad way to go.

MissFixit

I guess it is denial. Good men from good families have affairs everyday. People from all walks of life have them. Rich, poor, educated, dumb, religious, atheist. Your husband has something inside him that needed/wanted to cheat. Doesn't have to do with alcohol or you or anything else.

Climber122

Those who have survived marital infidelity know the sickening, surreal experience of going through it. In my case my ex did her thing in a no-fault state so I had no legal recourse to affect the case. It was just divorce and child support for me to pay, cut and dried. If you do have legal recourse in your state and your lawyer thinks the evidence would stand up, then I would get what you can while you can. You won't always feel so hurt and vulnerable. One day you'll be in love again, no doubt

People who are able to have prolonged affairs tend towards the narcissistic side of human personality types. As such, they rarely if ever feel truly sorry or have any sense of the amount of damage they have inflicted. I know I spent several years very, very angry trying to get my ex to accept the obvious proof that I confronted her with. Even then she denied it. Eventually I had a therapist tell me "You are just not going to get what you want." What did I want? An apology - but I've come to accept that she is not capable of that, and that's fine. So in that sense, you are right to want to disengage emotionally as soon as possible and just get it done. I wouldn't recommend the anger path to anyone. Against a narcissist, it's spitting in the wind. So an expedient conclusion is of course natural to want... BUT...

...what's right is right, so if you can get the law to cover your legal expenses, I would do it in a heartbeat. He probably blames you for everything anyway! Might as well be the monster I'm sure he thinks you are (which of course you aren't.)

Hang in there and good luck.