merrygoround1

Why am I shocked each time?

Today, exAH said
You have been building a case against me ever since you hired that lawyer...trying to prove you are better than me.


Seriously? Duis, jail and overdose.... All my doing in order to have a case for divorce...

The logic was gone so long ago...

dandylion

merrygoround.....I think that is how their world looks when viewed through the bottom of a shot glass.......

It IS so shocking to the "normal" brain.....

dandylion

SeriousKarma

The "victim mentality" is even sadder when you realize that he's his own worse enemy.

merrygoround1

I am pretty sure he was sober when he said it because he drove and the device on his car keeps him ok (when he has to drive.) But the thinking hasn't changed. I would like to think he is sober but I am learning recovery and sobriety are very different things.

This is hard when you want to yell back--- NO, that was you building your own case. I was standing by wishing things would get better not worse.

Instead, I said nothing - he seemed pleased with himself.

SeriousKarma

My STBXAH could stay "sober" for months at a time. I think he even went almost 2 years at one point. But he never worked any program of recovery, so he never gave himself any tools to deal with the underlying issues that trigger him. The disease progressed as though there were no breaks.

AnvilheadII

is there a valid reason you are still talking to him?

newme2013

I was also accused by me exAH of setting up the many legal problems he has had in the past two years. Dui's, assault charges, driving unregistered vehicle, probation violation, etc. With the help of police officers and the prosecuter of course. I guess I should be flattered that he thinks I am powerful enough to influence all these people to help me get back at my husband. So sad they get so sick they can't see the reality of the situation. To the police, lawyers, and judges they are just like every other drunk they deal with all day long. They are important to no one except us. The spouses who give up our lives trying to help them. And then they blame us for all their problems.

dandylion

merrygoRound.....you were/are so wise to leave him to his own devices......even though I know you had to bite your lip when he seemed so smug!!LOL!

You know the old saying "Give them enough rope and they will hang themselves".

dandylion

hopeful4

Quaaccckkkk......

merrygoround1

I have to stay engaged with him because of the kids.

hopeful4

I understand. I too have to stay in contact b/c of my kids. I have made it crystal clear that is all we talk about. He gets that now. In the beginning as soon as he would start to talk about anything else I would simply say, "Lets keep this about the kids." If he would continue I would then say, "I am going to hang up now b/c this is not about the kids and is not a productive conversation." THEN HANG UP. Once he saw this was how I was handling things, he stopped the quacking for the most part and keeps it about the kids.

It was not until I backed up my words with actions that he got it.

Hugs my friend.

merrygoround1

Thanks.

The problem is some how talking about the kids gets laced with this stuff too.

Like: You can't make all the decisions unilaterally.

I say nothing but I want to say--- You were in Jail!

dandylion

merrygoround.....you may have to put much more firm boundaries around how your communications with him are conducted.

I am sure that you could get others, here, to give you examples of how they did this.

I suggest that you check out this website....Divorce Advice, Laws, and Information from Womans Divorce. I think it would be of help to you, right now. It deals with all the kinds of issues that come up in a divorce.

Remember that you do not have to answer any question or hostile retort of his. Totally ignoring him is fine. You don't have to catch every ball that he throws.
He probably loves to get a rise out of you anyway. That is a favorite tool of theirs---to shine a bad light onto you to take the focus off their own actions and guilt.

dandylion

hopeful4

Just remember, when you do say anything, there should be a point. He knows he was in jail, no point in pointing it out. The fact is, it will be decided by a judge who makes the decisions and who does not. No point in pointing that out. I actually found it was a lot smarter to keep my mouth shut about some of these obvious things. Let him quack away in his own mind. You have to come to a point his quacking about his own BS does not affect you. You will get there, I promise.

merrygoround1

If anyone can offer up things they used in their settlement on the issue of communications (with kids) I would appreciate it. I am getting better at not getting sucked in but I do every once in awhile.

hopeful4

Communicate via text or email only, I have a friend who has that in their decree. I have also built in the anti drinking language, along with that he may not contact the children in any way, including via phone, if he is under the influence or acting erratically.