Catherine628

My last straw was much like SeriousKarma's. AH was just doing more of the same: continuous drinking, broken promises, cheating, being belligerent. The difference was in me and what I was willing or rather not willing to put up with. I finally saw how sick he is and realized he has to save himself and I needed to get out of his way.

We had been separated for a year, living in different parts of the country. I had been back about 2 months and when I saw the old behavior start up I knew I had to be the one to change.

I sold our house (this had already been the plan), opted out of the contract on the new house, found a new place to live, packed and coordinated the moves, mine and his since he was drunk the entire time, got the kids settled in school and started a job. Also ended up having to call 911 the day of the closing when AH had a bad fall. All that in less than a month. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown for a while. When I was packing/cleaning I came across things that confirmed my suspicions that H has other addiction problems.

I get lonely and sad sometimes but I feel a sense of peace too. It sure beats the all out panic I was living in. It was the most emotional, stressful month of my life but I knew I was doing the right thing the whole time.

As a tribute to myself I may just dress up as Wonder Woman for Halloween this year.

Florence

When he called me up to threaten me from rehab #4.

But I'd checked out from the relationship after he went to rehab #3, which was triggered because I kicked him out after finding him trying to take care of our 2 week old daughter while drunk. I was still on maternity leave recovering from an emergency c-section, and couldn't get out of bed by myself. I still have physical problems related to the way I healed after that surgery, lots of nerve and back issues.

But rehab #4, he had taken an old cell phone from out house so he could sneak it in and make calls and play online poker in rehab without being caught. When I found out, I tried to tell him it was contrary to the purpose of rehab, and he threatened me and cut me out of his treatment circle. I filed for divorce that week. It was so stupid and a waste of my time and energy. He was dangerous for me and the kids and his disease was a total black hole for energy and resources, and I was done.

Santa

It does. Just a warning for anyone telling themselves they should stay in an alcoholic nightmare of a marriage for their children.

HealingWillCome

With xah, he had an affair. It ended the very moment I discovered it.

With xabf, there was no last straw. Just a final acceptance that after 5 years of ups and downs it wasn't going to work. I finally just got it. I understood that neither of us was right or wrong, just different. And that my happiness didn't depend on him. It ended pretty peacefully, but it took a long time to get there and not without a lot of work on myself first.

iamthird

There just came a point where the pain was too much to bare. I deserve to be happy. I could not let my children see the way I was being treated anymore. I could not in good conscience raise children in those circumstances.

53500

After about 9 months sober, with our wedding 6 weeks away, he had a "few beers". And told me, not knowing I had set my own boundary: if he drinks or gets high again we're done.

I canceled the wedding, returned the gifts, gave back the ring. Best thing I ever did in my life.

queenapple

His drinking ruined yet another important family occasion. And he threw my daughter-in-law under the bus and tried to make it sound like it was all her fault.

Up to that point, she had been one of his biggest defenders. Now she never wants to see him again. The occasion was her graduation from nursing school.

katatat

We were supposed to be working on ourselves: me being less codepdendent and him going to meetings. We had broken up 3 months before when he relapsed, but we were rekindling our romance. He called me multiple times one night, slurring his words, acting strange. I said, "its okay. Just don't lie to me. Have you been drinking?" He said he was just tired. But I knew. A friend confirmed it for me and I called him to confront him the next morning. I asked him what put him over the edge and he said, "I was at a wedding with friends; I just wanted to drink." I screamed at him about how messed up it is to lie to your partner and try to convince her you're telling the truth. He didn't fight when I told him I didn't think we should talk anymore. My heart is still broken.

I endured the verbal and psychological abuse, as well as the medical complications of an addict for 3 years. But I knew I couldn't keep waiting for him to want to change.

Bullfrog

It's interesting that all our stories are different, yet all seem to end with us realizing that 1) we are powerless to change them, 2) we deserve a better life and often, 3) we don't want our kids to grow up thinking that behavior is acceptable.

I think I stayed for so long because I didn't believe those things yet, for whatever reason.

yensid

Reading these posts makes my heart break.

The moment I found out he had been secretly drinking, I knew my marriage was over. He was sober for 1.5 years of our 2 yr marriage. I had hardly any time invested in it to endure an unpredictable, tough marriage with him.

hopeful4

He cheated and was lying to me continually about drinking. Gaslighting me.

The final straw....he got drunk and called me some horrible names and started to push me in front of our kids. That was it. Luckily he was drunk, so I simply put put my hand on his chest and literally backed him up right out the door and told him not to come back, ever.

From that very second I knew that was it. So glad as I have never looked back with any regret, and won't.

Florence

It was a really long process for me, several years. Baby steps, lots of epiphanies, so much therapy. He wasn't violent and scary like some of the husbands here. His narrative was that he was in recovery, and I had to learn what that looked like, what a relapse looked like, and how he was never actually *in* meaningful recovery. I settled a lot. I took my marriage vows seriously, especially "in sickness and health." I think I finally, finally left because I had no respect for him or patience for his bull**** anymore. I was working too hard to get by, and he was total dead weight. Eventually I'd taken everyone's advice here and lived separately from him for about six months, and had gotten to see how he'd be without me intervening every step of the way. The answer was, no different at all, maybe even worse. Relapse after relapse, lots of weird behavior and weird excuses for it. He was unemployable, lost yet another job. He's still unemployed, mooching off of his parents with no end in sight.

I'm pretty sure he cheated on me. I can't prove it definitively, but all the signs were there. He knew I knew, and I knew he wasn't telling me the truth, but I stayed anyway.

Someone here said, "Sure you take your vows seriously. But how seriously is he taking his vows for you?" It was like a punch to the stomach. Oh yeah, this marriage is supposed to be a mutual pact. It's not supposed to be me, alone, making everything happen, working multiple jobs, pulling money out of miracles and cracks in the sidewalk and begging for his help while he drank secretly in dark rooms.

You know what turned my stomach, though? The hand shakes. I couldn't live looking at it every day. He had them sober and not sober, and it was a sad reminder for me of how much the drink had affected his life, mind, and body. They still make me sad for him when I see him.

mischa1

Wow. It's heartbreaking what happens.

My situation is different. He's really trying. All the abuae completely stopped. I don't know what happened I that 2 weeks NC but something did. He is working again but his work is slow. It will pick up as long as he keeps working. He's being sweet and kind and loving and I am being a complete b!t@h. I don't know why. Part is because when he does get money none is coming to me yet. He has to pay his rent. I'm just stressed out about money and I'm taking it out on him bc I feel like it's his fault financially it's so bad.

Why am I being so horrible. And I am. I can't stop. I'm so resentful. It's not fair to keep doing this. What is wrong with me?

Bullfrog

Misha, what's "wrong" with you is that you have been affected by an sick addictive disease system. It makes everyone who touches it very sick.

AA and Al-Anon talk a lot about the recovery period being as difficult as the active period. Al-Anon has helped me tremendously to heal and forgive myself.

ladyscribbler

My situation is different. He's really trying. All the abuse completely stopped.

Why was it there in the first place? I think it's a red flag that he is able to turn that behavior on and off like a water faucet.
My situation was different too. So was everyone's here. Whatever he's doing, you can focus on helping yourself. Alanon helped me a lot, so has individual therapy.

lillamy

Well -- there were many "last straws" before the actual last straw that made me leave. Most of them had to do with the kids. I mean, when your kids start saying "why don't you leave Dad?" and "how much abuse are you going to put up with, Mom?" -- that's when I started planning.

FireSprite

I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer here mischa, & I hope you are the exception to the rule, but I have to point out that 95%+ of us here on this board, at one time or another, could have & did say the exact same thing. We call it being terminally unique.

A couple of weeks of towing the line is not even so much as a drop in the bucket of real recovery or healing & it's easy to go through these motions when he still NEEDS you.

This is a GIANT red flag to me, I hope you see it.

hopeful4

Oh, my X went through longish stages that he would act like the dream husband. I always knew the old crappy behavior would be back, and it always was. The resentments and the walking on eggshells trying to figure out when that would happen was too much for me. You have to look at the behavior over a very long term (years).

FireSprite

Definitely. As much as my anger & disgust at AH were enormous, it was losing it myself in front of the kids that spurred me to action.

*I* had scared them terribly in my rage & that was TOO FAR for me. I realized I could only ever control myself & that something HAD to change.

doureallycare2

Well for my XH and the end of our 35 year marriage. I had forgiven many, many affairs. I only accepted him back because he almost died with congestive heart surgery. during his 3 year journey back to health.. we became great friends. Sex was not an option because of the medications and surgery's he had to have in that time frame. We had many talks about his past infidelities and he was so thankful of my forgiveness and expressed his love to me regularly. When I found out he was having a physical affair imagine my surprise that he was even able to have sex....that was the final straw for that.

With the AXBF (who I felt addicted to) that most of my post on here have been about. It wasn't what he did as much as what I did. I found myself so out of character and knew I would end up crazy or dead. I did not recognize myself or even know how I had gotten to that place. Ive written about his control and his cancelling dates or plans with me a few times on my thread or blog. I don't think I wrote what I did on that last cancellation.

Because of his jealousy, control and manipulation I cancelled a camping weekend with my sisters family. I mad these plans for this weekend because he originally told me he was going to be busy on his property, so I took that as my hint I wouldn't be seeing him. When he found out I made plans to go away with them he convinced me to cancel and stay with him at his place for the whole weekend. for 4 nights we talked about the upcoming weekend. My sister and her family left Thursday as planned but minus me. Thursday night he says he has to call his brother to see if he "may" need his help to work on their kitchen. he says don't come Friday as it may just be a wast if I have to get up early Sat to spend the day at his house working. when I got upset about this conversation I was being unreasonable and he started mocking me. I hung up on him.. there were a couple text, but only him being incredulous that I was upset. and how unreasonable I was. The next morning I drove my self the 4 hours to where my family was camping. however after a whole weekend of not talking with him I drove to his place. he wasn't there but I could tell he would be back soon. so I let myself in (knew where the key was) I waited the half hour for him to come and he seemed angry that I let myself in and was definitely angry that I spent the weekend with my sister after all. he said he didn't call or text me because I was throwing a baby and he wasn't going to "pamper" me that way. I ended up apologizing to him about my hurt feelings. He said he wasn't angry about my showing up but he did have to go back to his friends. they were expecting him.. but first, will I let him make love to me....? to my credit, I said no.. but only because I was hurt we just kind of made up, I asked forgiveness yet he still was going to go to his friends. I just told him that we still needed to talk before we jump back into bed. that a "quickie" wouldn't do. I had an hour drive home to think about my actions.. going to his place uninvited, letting my self in (can you say stalker). apologizing for the weekend when he hurt me so badly.

When we talked that night he said he wanted me there every night... when would I move in with him? I made a joke and said when he had a bathroom... The next day I heard nothing from him.. when we finally talked again he said he was mad we didn't make love that day and then I crack stupid jokes. I said I thought we were good about that whole thing? He said we were but it just hurt his feelings thinking about it.. I hung up and was up all night again thinking about how crazy this all was and seeing how I allowed myself to be pulled in to the crazy... I posted on this site and everyone was saying to get out and get out fast.. I ended it,,,,, but still feeling a bit "crazy"...