KCrazy

Ok, so a friend recommended this book weeks ago, before I came to SR. I see now that this is a book of choice for most of you, so I'm wondering how it felt for y'all to read this book... Today I'm only on the 4th or 5th chapter, skipped one or two, and am just annoyed! Pissed off, to be more accurate! I'm so tired of hearing about, reading about, MYSELF! I assume this is a "normal" feeling/reaction, as a codependent, fresh out of a relationship, but I would like some feed back. At this point, I don't even want to finish reading it, maybe it's just too early in my recovery for such "selfish" talk, I don't know... But thanks!

MissFixit

Hmmm....

I read that book for the first time a few months after my exA relationship ended. I was in therapy and doing alanon. It didn't make me mad. I was however, SHOCKED at how accurately it it described many of my relationship traits and former relationship partners.

Personally, I was so lost and confused. I needed guidance and validation that I wasn't crazy or a bad person. I was angry on and off for several years. It came in waves. Like the sadness came in waves. I was angry at my ex and at myself for being so stupid and foolish. My ego was hurt and my self esteem was shattered. It took time before I started feeling healthy and balanced again.

chicory

When I find myself getting down due to lapsing back into codependent behavior( and that does make me unhappy, when I do that) , I read that book and get a lot of comfort from it.

PinkCloudsCharley

I understand. I'm tired of working on myself too. I get frustrated that I'm the only one working on something. Sometimes I feel like the book is telling me it's all my fault. It isn't telling me that, but I see so much of myself in it and so many things I did/do wrong.

KCrazy

Soverylost Thank You! Yes, I can see that! I also feel like I begin to DWELL on my codependency instead of RECOVER from it! It's like "reverse psychology," some things in the book are so repetitive, and rightfully so, reminding me over and over that I am codependent on my xabf... Dwelling on that fact, the loss, and staying depressed... But like I said, maybe I'm just not ready. Right now, I think I just want to run away from it all!

SparkleKitty

This is very interesting, and something I can relate to, the idea that "hey why am I the only working here?" I had to get deeper into recovery and just plow through at times to understand that my recovery was not a bargaining chip ("I am getting better so should you"), but a reward in and of itself.

Recovery is tiring and frustrating and takes a long time. And then you find out it never really ends! Whee! All that being said, I wouldn't trade my journey for anything in the world, no matter where it takes me or what I lose. In other words, it is worth plowing through.

dandylion

KCrazy.....you say that you "want to run away from it all".

I am curious about that statement.....
Just where, exactly, would you run to.......??

dandylion

lillamy

I remember in early recovery being pissed off that I had to do so much work because after all, I wasn't the damn addict who had made a mess of everything.

Eight years later, here's how I see it: he might have broken your leg, but you're still going to have to wear the cast and do the rehab. You're not doing it for him - you're doing it for you.

It isn't fair. But then again, life isn't.

lillamy

And let me add -- not to put the entire responsibility for the dysfunction on the addict; I certainly contributed my part. But it took me a long time to see that. Initially, I was convinced that if I only got rid of my addict, I would be just fine.

That was not the case.

gleefan

I found an odd sense of comfort in the book - that while it described me and my relationships with laser accuracy, it also offered the possibility of healing my dysfunctional tendencies!!

I've been in recovery under a year, and I'm still in the process of uncovering my dysfunctional, self sabotaging patterns.

Keep reading. You'll learn how to care for yourself in a way that love and peace will become what you seek.

AnvilheadII

sometimes it's a big blow to our EGO that the addict isn't the only one with issues. they are so convenient, those damaged mangled addicts who make a mess of things...sure takes the heat and focus off of US.

one of the first ACOA books I read got some serious hang time and then hit the wall with a pretty impressive thud. you mean I CAN'T blame it all my parents? my upbringing? that I can't just point the finger and say look what you did to me??? where's my damn vindication?

over time we begin to see that working on ourselves is an honor and immensely rewarding. we become the captains of our own ship again.

KidsR#1

When I first started to read it I couldn't believe how much I could relate to what it talked about. It has made me look past my marriage with AH, made me rethink about going back to my job as a caseworker with adults with Devel. Dis. and it also made me think that some of my co-dependency habits are from childhood. My mom always described my grandmother (who we had NC ) as a dry drunk when I was growing up. Back then I thought it was an odd way to describe someone and didn't know what it really meant.

katatat

I have a copy of both Codependent No More and The New Codependency. Has anyone read The New Codependency?

wellington1

I've just ordered it from Amazon after reading this!

LSC1

I am currently reading the book. Still married to my AH and sober 2 years. I found / find this book SOOOOO confronting. I got so annoyed about what I was reading I HAD to keep putting this book down. I am naturally a fast reader. I would read a book that size in a weekend easily. I have been reading the book for nearly a month. I can only read it in small doses.

I am not ready to do ANY of the activities yet. (It did prompt me to start writing an autobiography about my personal relationhips and my personal history of substance abuse).

I will be reading the book again as soon as I finish it. I hope I will be able to do some of the activities next time around.

Day by Day ..little by little ... step by step ..I am listening to what I am reading and TRYING to act on some things

FireSprite

Not about the book specifically, but in relation to Recovery as a Codependent, yes.

At first I was infuriated at the idea that *I* needed to do anything to change. Totally offended, even. I couldn't be part of the problem - I was the one running around like a crazed person trying to FIX all the problems, geesh! I was blinded by my anger & self-righteousness & I was living in a loop of codependency without ever actually *seeing* it.

When I found SR I thought I would find a lot of insight as to how to continue to "manage" my Qualifier. Instead I found myself on a personal journey alllllll the way back from my childhood through present day. As an ACoA I had never addressed any issues relating to my father's addiction, not really, so I had been unknowingly perpetuating the same dysfunctional cycles in all of my relationships & calling it "normal".

And then, the more I read, the more resources I found, the more that resonated with me in ways I wasn't expecting. Similar to what Lillamy posted, one day someone here put it like this: If someone hit you with their car & broke your leg it doesn't matter that they were at fault because that doesn't change the fact that you STILL have a broken leg to deal with.

That showed me that I could take the personal insult out of the injury & just treat the injury itself. I still needed to heal regardless of how my leg got broken to begin with.

And then all I felt was relief. Initially I rejected the "label" of a Codie & then I embraced it because I could finally see how I was choosing to carry a heavier burden than I needed to & that by doing so I was actually martyring myself in an obnoxiously passive-aggressive way. (I cringe when I see this in others now & thank my HP that I found recovery so I can stop perpetuating this cycle for my DD.)

Embracing the label actually set me free in an odd way, because it allowed me to really GROW.

NYCDoglvr

Uncomfortable, certainly. It's much easier blaming the alcoholic than looking at my own stuff. I was face to face with a fact: I picked him! But it was the real start of recovery, taking responsibility for my codependent side. It helped that I'd been sober for many years when I met this screwed up "recovering" alcoholic because I saw he was simply another addiction and I know the 12 Steps work. But big blow to ego!

guava

I hear you KCrazy. I struggled through the free sample on my Kindle but haven't downloaded the whole book yet. I'm fighting with the whole idea that I'm at fault right along with my AH. I never called him names, I never embarrassed him in front of the neighbors, I never made him so scared he pretended be asleep when I came into the bedroom at 3am looking to start an argument and I certainly never drove drunk with our son in the car! How is this my fault?

I know I need to work on myself but I'm not sure I'm ready. Right now I just want someone to give me a hug and let me know it's at least 51% his fault...

ladyscribbler

LOL. Yeah, I found a copy of CoNoMo in a used bookstore and sat down and read through it in like an hour. I didn't buy it either, still don't own a copy.
How could I be the one with the problem? He was the drunken j@ck@$$. But I was the sober j@ck@$$ who picked him and spent five years trying to remake him into the perfect sober partner so that I could finally be happy.
Reading that was a huge blow to my overwhelming, perfectionist, sanctimonious codie ego. Although I did pat myself on the back for not being like that crazy lady in the one chapter who used to drive all over town looking for which bar her husband was at so she could drag him home. I was too busy stewing at home planning my next verbal assault so I could finally guilt trip him into sobriety. Because that was bound to work eventually, right?
What the h3!! was wrong with me? Nothing that a little Alanon couldn't fix.

NYCDoglvr

I only saw those things in myself when I finally crawled away. What distorted thinking I had! Cringe-worthy certainly and so painful I went to Alanon so I wouldn't pick the same person again.