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Old 07-24-2004, 06:23 PM
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New to the group

Hi,
I am new to the thread as well. I am looking for a support group that is non religious, but have come up empty handed. I am a girlfriend of an alcoholic and am looking for support to help my relationship. I have called several therapists for counceling (boyfriends idea) but all but one have refused to see us due to the fact that my boyfriend will not quit. I don't want him to quit completely because he won't. I can not give him an ultimatium because that is not fair and I still want to drink. The drinking has not really been the problem the last couple of weeks. It is my reaction to certain things. I have become physically abusive to him and to myself and am looking for help and support. I feel so alone, depressed, embarrassed and scared. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone because they will judge me and I don't really want them to know. I am scared to loose my boyfriend without putting 100% into this relationship and I am scared that if this relationship doesn't work, I will be the same way in the next one. One more thing, we both don't believe in marriage, but are committed to each other as life partners. Leaving each other would be considered a divorce to us and we do not want to go down that road. We are considering this relationship as if we were married.

any wise words would be of help
kates
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Old 07-24-2004, 11:25 PM
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Hi Kate and welcome.

There just isn't a lot out there for codies except 12 step. There are plenty of people who are not particularly religious who can make good use of the programs, though. We say "take what you need and leave the rest". You might shop around until you find an alanon group with several people who think like you in it. They're out there. And you are certainly welcome here.

The fact that you are becoming violent with him is pretty alarming. I smacked Dino once, too. It's part of how I knew we had to get away from each other. Violence has a way of escalating. If you can't get peaceful, and fast, with the fact that you live with a drinker and that he's not going to change, I don't care how married you feel. It's dangerous for you to be around him. Your need to control the situation extends to physical force and THAT is a road you don't want to go down, too. We can't change anyone but ourselves, so for safety's sake it's either your attitude or your living situation that has to alter. You don't have to have co-counseling. You can see a therapist on your own. But please do something because you're sitting on a powder keg.

I'm glad you joined us.

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Smoke
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Old 07-25-2004, 05:53 AM
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Becoming "well" before making life altering decisions is wise on your part because, as you say, you may just move on into a similar situation if you don't. There are meetings and individual counceling to help you along. I personally lean toward meetings because of the fellowship and the wide variety of experience to draw on. Either way...you shouldn't waste one more day because what you ARE doing isn't working.

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JT
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Old 07-25-2004, 09:12 AM
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brantskate,
Although I personally don't have experience with programs other than 12 step programs, there are some people on the Alcoholism forum that are familiar with recovery programs that are not spiritually based. I agree with Smoke that the 12 step programs basic tools can be used by agnostics and atheists, though many I know have a hard time getting past the words "Higher Power" and "God, as we understood him." Two programs that I have heard of that don't base their recovery on spirituality are SMART recovery, and Rational Recovery. I don't know how well these work, but they have websites that you can check out. Of course, you are welcome to post, share, and learn as much as you can here. Welcome. Hugs, Magic
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Old 07-25-2004, 02:54 PM
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Don't bother with RR. According to them, we codependents do not exist. LOL!
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Old 07-25-2004, 05:23 PM
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Thanks for the replies. I am seeing a councelor on my own. So that will help. I am having such a hard time, because everyone I have talked to, there stories are ten times worse then what I have been through. It makes me question if I am overreacting or not. As time has gone by, he isn't drinking, but I am still exploding. So that tells me that it is me and not the drinking. Don't get me wrong, drinking was/is a factor, but it seems so different from all of your examples. I am not trying to make excuses, but I just feel that the change has to be on my part more then his, because it is my reactions that are making things worse. His drinking is limited and it is my fear of I don't know what that makes things explode. It is like I become a drama queen all of the sudden.
Today is particuarly hard. I feel like I'm greiving someone's death. We share the same friends, so I decided to not drink with him, but that means I have to sacrifice hanging out with them. It makes me sad. I just wish I had better control over my emotions so that I could go and have fun with them.
We have a family reunion coming up and it entails a lot of partying. I am struggling because I want to party with my family and with my boyfriend for one night, but I am scared I will lose it. I know I won't, but this one night could set us back and I worry about it.
I wish so much that we could work out some compromise that will make both of us happy that would allow us able to go have a few drinks once and a while. It is possible because I have done it. Like special occasion drinking for me.
We agreed that he could go out with his friends every other Friday night as long as he didn't come home. I don't mind that. It allows him to have fun without me getting out of hand. If he isn't going to stop, I KNOW there is some happy medium. It's just how much extra am I willing to give, ya know?
Everyone say's I should leave, BUT I DON"T WANT TO. I'm trying really hard to work on being my own person in a stable relationship, which I feel we have usually.
Today, Brian (my boyrfriend), left a message saying he missed me and the old us. We used to have so much fun. I am so young and I don't what happened to me. I love him and I love us together. The love is really strong that leaving isn't an option right now.
I suspect all of you will tell me I need to leave and what I am doing won't work. But every situation is different.
Kates
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Old 07-26-2004, 06:05 AM
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Kates -
No one will tell you that you should leave and no one will tell you that what you're doing won't work. Everyone here has their own situation and no one would presume to know you and your situation better than you do. You should do what you feel is right for you for today. I think everyone will agree and support you in whatever you want to do.

I will tell you that I've been with my AH for 15 years of drinking in excess. It started out not so bad and has progressively gotten worse every year. If I would have gotten recovery years ago, my life would have been much better. I'm glad that you are taking the steps you need to take to "be your own person". Just doing that is a huge step in the right direction.

Hugs - L
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Old 07-26-2004, 04:20 PM
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Thanks Lorelai!
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Old 07-26-2004, 04:21 PM
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Today we had our first councling session. It went well and was very productive. I think Brian got more out of it then me, which is ok. I am seeing someone tommorow by myself. Things are hopeful and good today. Hope it stays that way.
Kates
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Old 07-27-2004, 06:10 AM
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Kates,
I am glad that you are seeking solutions. Counseling has been great for me. I am in individual counseling. There are a lot of resources out there to help us make our life better. Keep seeking and be open to try different things, and you will find what helps you the most. Hugs, Magic
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