lillamy

I had an insight this morning talking to my husband -- we're having some serious problems with one of the kids -- and he was talking about how I blame myself for what the kids do wrong. He said "You haven't put yourself before the kids, ever."

And this lightbulb went on in my head and I realized that I can't judge that. I can't judge whether or not I have been selfish or put myself ahead of the kids because my measuring stick is broken.

Any time someone else needs me and I don't come running, I feel bad about it. I've slowly learned to do things for me, and prioritize them. And now when things are awful with the one kid, I second-guess that. Maybe if I hadn't gone to the gym to do my PT training three nights a week this wouldn't have happened. Maybe if I had... Maybe if I had...

Going to the gym for necessary physical therapy isn't "putting myself before my kids." Neither is saying "No, I'm not taking you to Walmart until I've finished cleaning." That's normal. But it's like my measuring stick is broken, and I can't judge when I'm being selfish.

It's a weird insight but one that's bringing me back to meetings and recovery work. Because clearly, I've got mountains to climb still.

lizatola

Oh, I can totally relate! As a matter of fact, I just talked to my sponsor about how I feel like I've failed my son when it comes to homeschooling him. He's so far behind in math and he's not motivated academically. He's a great kid, very compliant, and great with people, etc but he just lacks motivation for school stuff. Anyway, I am so afraid for his future and for him being able to provide an income for himself and I take all of that on my shoulders since I've schooled him from the very beginning. I can't blame the school system, right? I don't even blame his learning disabilities or Tourette's tics because I can't control those, either.

Anyway, my sponsor said, "Liz, you have to remember that you can't prevent your son from failing. You can't force him to do the work and he's going to have to fail, whether you like it or not. He must face the consequences of his own behaviors, or lack thereof, and there's nothing you can do about it. I think you need to go back and work on acceptance and step 2."

She was right. I was so worried about 3-7 years from now and I was taking on all my son's responsibilities and future behaviors as my own, as a byproduct of my perceived failings or shortcomings. At some point, I have to let go. I know that in my head, I just wish I could let go in a healthy way in my heart where I truly turn this person, my child, over to the care of God and just say, "He's yours, not mine, do with him as You will." Nope, not gonna happen.....yet. I can say those words, but I have to own them and meditate on what it really means to let go.

PinkCloudsCharley

My measuring stick is broken too. I realized that yesterday, it was like a light bulb went off. My measuring stick for everything is broken. Good analogy, thank you.