Blogs


Notices

Living with another Codie

Old 09-26-2014, 05:27 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Blossom717's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 541
Living with another Codie

So most of you know, I moved in with my mom when I left xabf. DD and I are still here, and for the most part it is going okay.

The only problem is is that my mom is a big time co-dependent. Her boyfriend isn't an alcoholic ( my dad and step dad were though) but he is a gamer who can't keep a job. So she works herself to death, owns her own business. She will work and work and then do everything she can to help her boyfriend or me or dd. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it. But there are times when I will ask for her help and she can't, and that's okay. I am fine with that. But if someone else offers to help then she gets upset, like she didn't do her job.

For example, I was supposed to go to a wine festival with some girl friends tomorrow. It was going to be overnight, and mom had agreed to watch dd. Then this week she said she can't, she has to work. I said okay. I told my friend and her mom offered to watch dd (she loves her). I told my mom. The lady that was going to watch dd just needed someone to pick her up in the morning on Sunday and I asked mom if she could by chance. She freaked out and said that she looks like the bad guy now and that she will just take dd herself and deal with it and work. That is ridiculous. I feel like she was doing the Martyr thing that many of us do. Taking on too much, resenting others for our decisions. She really blew it out of proportion.

So needless to say, I'm not going now. Which is fine. there will be other girl time oppurtunities. But now shes still mad at me. Either way, she sees it as everyone being mad at her, when in reality it wasn't that at all.

So...what to do in these situations? Eventually I need to find a place for DD and I (when I can afford to) but until then, I don't know how to handle another codie! (I'm just learning now how to handle my codie-ness!)
Blossom717 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Blossom717 For This Useful Post:
isitme (09-29-2014), ladyscribbler (09-26-2014), readerbaby71 (09-26-2014), Sikofit (09-26-2014)
Old 09-26-2014, 05:52 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
readerbaby71's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
I would have firmly told her, "Mom, I know you are very busy so DD is going to stay with my friend's mom. It is no reflection on you. Can you pick her up Sunday morning?"

I think you should go. Don't let emotional manipulation keep you from living your life. Your mom may mean well but her issues are her issues, not yours. She's going to be "mad' either way anyway, right?
readerbaby71 is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to readerbaby71 For This Useful Post:
atalose (09-26-2014), Blossom717 (09-26-2014), hopeful4 (09-26-2014), ladyscribbler (09-26-2014), Rosalba (09-26-2014), Sikofit (09-26-2014), unsureoffuture (09-26-2014)
Old 09-26-2014, 06:06 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,566
Blog Entries: 10
I would sit her down and gently tell her you know she works a lot and works extra hard to take care of everyone. I would tell her there are other people who love you too who are willing to help and that does not make her any less important.

That's just my take on it. I think people communicate a lot more effectively when there is a lot of kindness in the conversation. I am sure you are right, that she blew because she is overwhelmed with all she is doing. You cannot change that part.

Hugs.
hopeful4 is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to hopeful4 For This Useful Post:
Blossom717 (09-26-2014), ladyscribbler (09-26-2014), readerbaby71 (09-26-2014), Sikofit (09-26-2014), unsureoffuture (09-26-2014)
Old 09-26-2014, 06:28 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
GracieLou's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Don't make her problems, your problems. You have no control how others feel nor how they react. The only person you can control is you.
GracieLou is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to GracieLou For This Useful Post:
allinon (09-26-2014), atalose (09-26-2014), Blossom717 (09-26-2014), ladyscribbler (09-26-2014), readerbaby71 (09-26-2014), Thumper (09-26-2014), unsureoffuture (09-26-2014)
Old 09-26-2014, 07:25 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 15,539
Blossom....just like with the alcoholic...you will have to detach from her martyrdom behaviors. You aren't going to change her in this short time (just like you couldn't change your alcoholic). If you don't detach you will be sucked in!!!LOL.

I like the saying in the AA recovery circles..."Say what you mean; mean what y ou say; BUT, don't say it mean!
It is o.k. to be very generous with your thanks and appreciation for her help, though.

If your child's father were paying child support like he should...it would make it easeir for you to move out sooner......wouldn't it????

dandylion
dandylion is online now  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to dandylion For This Useful Post:
atalose (09-26-2014), Blossom717 (09-26-2014), hopeful4 (09-26-2014), isitme (09-29-2014), ladyscribbler (09-26-2014), readerbaby71 (09-26-2014), unsureoffuture (09-26-2014)
Old 09-26-2014, 07:47 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thumper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,444
I have someone like this in my life. I love her very much but she is a shining example of why I continue to work very hard at not being codependent, lol.

I had to very methodically think through every situation. Are these her feelings or mine? Did I do my part - do I have any responsibility here? Is this her choice or my choice? Is this her perception/problem to work out? **.9% of the time every instance I was feeling upset about *her feelings* was clearly over there in her hula hoop and even though she tried to hand them to me, I could just not pick them up. I could let it go. I'd tell myself not my monkey, not my circus. Eventually my 'feelings' on the matter followed what I was working out in my head.

It gets easier with time (a lot of time) but I still have to go down that list a lot. I also am VERY careful about the conversations I have with her. She is not a person I can get support from when it comes to my now ex husband or any number of things. It backfires on me because talking to her is her telling me what I feel, know, ought to do, should have done, should make other people do, what I don't know yet, etc. Doesn't matter if she has any actual experience on the matter. She'd tell me what I should know, ought to know, will learn about any subject. Breastfeeding is one example and really helped me flip the switch that I need to rethink my interactions with this woman because it was so obvious. She has breastfed exactly zero minutes of her life and I've logged *years* of breastfeeding. It is insane, lol.

I get good at not responding. Not saying anything at all in return or just things like 'I see' or 'OK' or 'if you feel that is best'. Always lots of drama surround her but I've learned to let her keep her drama and not worry about it.

I'm very close to her daughter - who is not codependent at all an someone I really look up to as far as her being a good person etc. She's very good at this (not taking on other peoples emotions or problems) and that has been helpful for me.
Thumper is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Thumper For This Useful Post:
Blossom717 (09-26-2014), ladyscribbler (09-26-2014), readerbaby71 (09-26-2014), unsureoffuture (09-26-2014)
Old 09-26-2014, 08:35 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,104
So needless to say, I'm not going now. Which is fine.
You need to get to a place inside of yourself where - NO IT ISN'T FINE and that you won't cave into emotional blackmail because it's robbing you of enjoyment from life.

I would arrange to have your freinds mom watch your daughter and someone else to pick her up on Sunday morning and go with your original plans.
atalose is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to atalose For This Useful Post:
Blossom717 (09-26-2014), FireSprite (09-26-2014), ladyscribbler (09-26-2014), LoveMeNow (09-26-2014), readerbaby71 (09-26-2014), Sikofit (09-26-2014), Thumper (09-26-2014)
Old 09-26-2014, 08:47 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
ladyscribbler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,053
All good codie superheroes have an origin story, like Wonder Woman. Mine started much like yours, with an alcoholic father and a codie mother.
When I moved away from my abusive ex and back in with my mom, I had to face those issues head on.
Reread Thumper's response. You're taking on your mom's unnecessary guilt over not being able to do everything for everybody all the time and making it your issue. I know that it is a million times harder to let go of the emotional baggage when it's your mom's, as opposed to a bf. A big lesson for me in setting boundaries (probably the biggest one, since it was the origin of my codie behavior) was learning to set them with my mom, who literally has NO boundaries.
ladyscribbler is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to ladyscribbler For This Useful Post:
Blossom717 (09-26-2014), readerbaby71 (09-26-2014), Thumper (09-26-2014)
Old 09-26-2014, 08:55 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,784
Blog Entries: 1
Originally Posted by atalose View Post
You need to get to a place inside of yourself where - NO IT ISN'T FINE and that you won't cave into emotional blackmail because it's robbing you of enjoyment from life.

I would arrange to have your freinds mom watch your daughter and someone else to pick her up on Sunday morning and go with your original plans.
^^ Me too, this is the kind of stuff I had to do with my mom at points in my recovery. The stronger I've gotten, the more I've found it affects others around me like a domino.

I had to put it like this, "I'm taking DD to friend's house mom & will arrange for her pickup. No one thinks you have done or is accusing you of doing anything wrong & I'm sorry that YOU ARE CHOOSING to feel this way about this situation.... but I think if you take a step back you'll realize YOU are the only one making this a big deal."

IMO, untreated codependency can be awful to watch. I used to martyr myself to situations & call it "doing the right thing" a lot & I shudder to think of myself as that person now.
FireSprite is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to FireSprite For This Useful Post:
Blossom717 (09-26-2014), ladyscribbler (09-26-2014), readerbaby71 (09-26-2014), Thumper (09-26-2014)
Old 09-26-2014, 09:16 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thumper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,444
Here is the tricky part - the part that I work on most these days since alcoholism is no longer in my life...

By not going you are doing exactly what your mother is doing. Behaving co-dependently.

My kids are older. I am not perfect. I grew up in a codependent/alcoholic brew and I interact with family that I described. It is all I know and unless I give it a lot of thought and attention it (that crazy codependent stuff) is how I cope, manage, get through life, parent etc. It is all I know. (or knew - I'm learning!) The mind ***** will impact my kids the same way it impacted me and that twisted way of dealing with life is something I do not want to pass down to my kids. Their legacy is already fraught with dysfunction. I divorced their father to change that legacy and I have to do my part too.

I don't mean to say this one night is going to be the end of the world. Don't take on more stress I only want to encourage you to look at your 'giving in' as the next generation of codependency. From what I witness codependent woman give their lives away when their families are young - willingly at first and then grudgingly. As they get older they begin to get crazy with a capitol C about getting what they want and their needs met and they use what they know - which is mind *****, manipulation, and martydom. The thing is - what they need is not something their family can give them.

I'm not going to be that person. You and I have a gift that maybe they didn't have - lots of access to support and information like SR and counselors and al-anon. We can change that path for us and for our children.
Thumper is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Thumper For This Useful Post:
Blossom717 (09-26-2014), FireSprite (09-26-2014), ladyscribbler (09-26-2014), readerbaby71 (09-26-2014), SabrinaQ (09-28-2014)
Old 09-26-2014, 10:21 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Blossom717's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 541
Thank you everyone for the responses.

I talked to her via text later this morning and she told me she has to be able to tell me "no"....And I replied telling her I completely agree. Telling me no is helpful to everyone...then I can make other arrangements. I also had to remind her that dd is MY responsibility, not hers.

I'm not going now (and deep down, I know it isn't fine...), but I am going to see If I can go out tomorrow night for a few hours once dd goes to bed. Or tonight. Mommy needs a night out.

And yea....moving out would be much more possible if I was getting child support. Still haven't heard about a court date yet...he couldn't even pay for her ice cream at his visit last night, supposedly he is broke but he has started driving his f250 diesel truck everywhere... (why am I surprised?)
Blossom717 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Blossom717 For This Useful Post:
hopeful4 (09-26-2014), ladyscribbler (09-26-2014), readerbaby71 (09-26-2014)
Old 09-26-2014, 10:26 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 15,539
I suspect that his parents are behind his spending habits. Their enabling ways may start to wear thin as the reality of supporting him starts to raise it's head.
However, that is their issue to deal with......

dandylion
dandylion is online now  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to dandylion For This Useful Post:
Blossom717 (09-26-2014), ladyscribbler (09-26-2014), readerbaby71 (09-26-2014)
Old 09-26-2014, 11:08 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Blossom717's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 541
oh yea most definitely. his account won't overdraft...its set up to take money out of his dad's if he spends all his.

Enabling at its finest!
Blossom717 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Blossom717 For This Useful Post:
davenport (09-27-2014), hopeful4 (09-26-2014), ladyscribbler (09-26-2014), readerbaby71 (09-26-2014)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:29 PM.