I also have said all the above. He lives with his sister. I finally texed him Friday night and said it was over (after some stupidness on his part), I dont know,but I want him to see the things that he does also has consequences, not that he will see that, but anyway.
Then I texted him and told him I will always love him. Ugh, I think I do this because I want him to feel like I am here and not go look for someone else. I dont know how I will handle that. Gosh this is a vicious circle we are all in. I was listening to (I cant help myself, here comes that feeling) by Eddie Rabbit last night and just burst into tears because that is just how I feel. I so wnat to get better and move on, but just cant seem to do it right now. :a108:

Sosad, I constantly texted my ah to tell him I loved him and was here for him, that I would give him time to figure things out, then when I got annoyed or angry I'd tell him I wanted nothing to do with him that he was on his own, he would never reply and within a day or a few hrs I'd be apologising for what I said and how I'm here if he needs me that I love him. I did this for months nearly 7 actually, I was driving myself mad, I kept hoping that he would tell me baby I'm going to give this up right now il go to rehab whatever it takes so I can come home. I never got it all I got was mixed messages I do love you, I want to be with you I might try and stop or I'm preparing or my heads all over the place, please give me time. What he learned was I will react at times but coming running back, no matter what he does I will be here waiting for him to pick up and put down when he feels like it. I taught him that through my behaviour.

I listened to the same bullsh*t a few nights ago, 5 actually and it hit me I'm done I can't keep doing this to myself, every time I contact him about us I end up in tears, I constantly pick at the scabs of my wounds. He says all the right things to keep me hooked then when he thinks I think he is actually going to get help this time he pushes me away and I RUN AFTER HIM EVERY TIME just wanting to waiting for him to give me hope that we will be ok.

We won't be ok Our marriage is over but I will be, working on myself is hard but there are light bulb moments where I feel some relief to the pain. I haven't contacted him and I won't any contact is about our kids and that is minimal and the last few days I've dreaded when my phone goes in case it is him, strange turn of events.

You will get through this, you will become stronger each day as you focus on your own recovery. Tight hugs

It is taking all my strength to not call and text to tell him I will always love and support him. It is SO. HARD. But I know if I contact him, I'll get wrapped right back into the cycle. And, if he doesn't know how much I love and support him after all we've been through, he's a moron. I did everything for him.

Butterfly and Katatat, I think that the fact that we did everything for them( I also did) is something that we know all too well. But, I am beginning to wonder if they ever realize that we did. Do they just not see it, because the only thing I have ever heard out of his mouth is what he "thinks" he did for me. Funny how he kept track of every little thing he did. Of course I work a full time job, keep the house clean, cook, and do laundry and pay the bills, but, according to him I never did anything for him.
And, yes, I caved in this weekend and answered the phone after I told him for the millionth time that we were through. At least I know I am not the only one and that makes me feel somewhat better. :gaah

yes, sosadandhurt, I feel the same way. I don't think they will ever know, at least not until they get sober. It's so frustrating, and so hard to just let go of. Last night, after AH said to me, "What have you done for me? How have you tried to make things better?" I found myself angrily listing for him all the things that I do for him and for our kids, like I have done many times before, and he is NEVER going to get it, or appreciate it, so why do I even bother? It just makes me feel stupid for letting him push my buttons.
And then he says to me, "Oh, like I don't do anything? I never help with the kids or do the dishes?" AHHHHHH!! So maybe WHEN YOU'RE SOBER, which is hardly ever anymore, you do the dishes or make dinner and help get the kids in their pajamas..... I always say thank you, and tell you I appreciate it, but he acts like I'm supposed to bow down and give him sexual favors for that? When I do EVERYTHING else on top of dealing with a delusional drunk, and NEVER get a break.
SO hard to just let it go, but I know we need to...

Ugh, yeah and the sexual favors. If they only knew how hard that was to do. With a drunk that takes forever and smells like that fruity nasty alcohol smell and the breath is just ugh!!!!!

I did cave :(

I called him this morning. He didn't pick up. I left him a voicemail saying I didn't want to be forced into the no-talking-thing and I miss my best friend of 13 years. I told him if he wanted to talk, he could call me back.

Its only been a week since I ended things and we haven't had any contact since then. I know this was the "wrong" thing to do, but I actually feel relief. It's been a few hours. I feel like the pressure is off of me to maintain this strict boundary (which, I realize, is a cop-out because that's what I'm supposed to be doing). I don't know... I feel more relaxed. If he doesn't call, he doesn't call. But I put it out there that the option was available. He can do with it what he wants.

Now, I just have to maintain that it was the ONLY phone call I'll make, and not keep trying.

Katatat, don't be too hard on yourself for caving... We are only human and it is HARD. One day at a time...

Its ok Katatat we all have done it. Don't be hard on yourself, this weekend I also caved and answered when he called after I told him it was over. Now I am back on the merry go round and I put myself there.:dunno:

Butterfly...if you really do want to avoid contacting him....there are various techniques that can be used to "abort" that compulsion when it arises (probably daily..LOL).

Perhaps you should try some of them. Alcoholics are also often schooled in h ow to do this when they have the same kinds of compulsion to drink arise.

Why not try...what would you have to lose, anyway...?

dandylion

I haven't even actually started no contact. It's been over a week since I told him I needed him to move out, and four days since he signed a lease on an apartment, but he hasn't actually left yet.
I told him this morning I expected him to pack up today and be gone by the time I get home from work. He said ok.
I think he thinks he's going to be able to have the "best of both worlds" and come and go as he pleases, when he's just a little drunk, have dinner with us and hang out, and then have a place downtown, walking distance to the bars and to his work, to crash when he's too drunk to come home.
But IT IS NOT GOING TO BE THAT WAY. So I know it's up to me to make him believe that and stick to that, which starts today.
So hard. One day at a time....

I don't think you can MAKE him do anything. But you can change the locks once he's gone.

He doesn't have a house key anymore... I just need to do something about the doggie door that he managed to fit through last weekend

Good heavens. Yes. If he comes in through the doggie door you should call the police!

Dandylion I will do anything. What techniques would you recommend??

I think it easier this time as I don't want contact with him actually at this minute and time I want nothing to do with him. He has booked his holiday and I was really upset and began crying now I am feeling angry!! I haven't replied to his text about the holiday I don't feel I need to!!