Need some opinions
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 106
Need some opinions
Husband has been doing alot better in the past month with our relationship and with the kids. He even planned a nice weekend just the two of us for our 19yr aniversary, had his mom watch the girls all weekend took me out to dinner twice he even paid for our dinner both times, he offered to pay for the groceries I was buying but I only let him pay for half and I went into a shoe store and picked out a pair of shoes he offered to buy them I told him he could pay for half. I have such issues with taking care of my own finances and the kids due to the mental abuse and manipulation he has put me thru (he would buy groceries or buy me a pack of ciggerettes give girls lunch money and keep a mental list and if he ask for money for gas or money for anything and I say I dont have it he will throw it in my face to make me feel guilty u know I give you and the kids everything I have and u wont even give me money for a coke 
when the fact is we have seperate checking accts seperate bills that we are each resp. for due to me and kids not being able to depend on him soooo I eventualy had to have my check deposited into a seperate acct. and he has resented me for it ever since. I also feel that when there is beer in our home that he has purchased it is unfair for him to then ask me for gas money it was his decision to buty beer maybe he should have bought gas instead. Ok anyway what this is really about is that things had been good we were getting along and talking more I was getting more comfortable letting my guard down just a little and the kids were also noticing a difference in him I was cautious but it was nice,and then out of nowhere he starts in with the Is everything ok? over and over like 5 times in an hour seriously! and I would say yeah everythings fine and im sure i had this kinda confused look on my face because we were not arguing there was no reason for this strange concern of me being ok. It was like he was trying to pick at a scab and then we were in bed watching tv and laughing talking right before going to sleep ALL was good. When we turned off tv and kissed goodnight just about to fall asleep (we both have to get up at 5:00 and 5:30am by the way) And he says R we ok?? very dramatic and acting all serious ?? I felt like he had just pulled the rug out from under me, here I was thinking this was really good I was having a good time being around him more not dreading it and now I feel like what I thought was really good and was really enjoying he obviously wasnt feeling the same way and I dont feel like its sincere either because there was No reason for it , now if it had been after i Had spent the whole night crying or if I had been emotional ,angry Any of the times when he has seriously hurt my feelings then IT would make since to ask something like this but it wasnt. He could tell I was annoyed that he had ask this like he was trying to steer up some drama and he would say why r u so defencive why cant we just talk wow sorry i Didnt mean to upset u I guess I AM JUST AN ASS HOLE! he finaly admitted he is just very insecure and says he is just sooooo afraid of me leaving him? I dont buy it , it just felt fake and manipulative . My mom said he is afraid that if I ever find out some of the things that he has done that i will leave ,she thinks there are things that I dont know about, and she said he does not feel that he deserves me and that those feelings cause him to act this way. Has anybody else dealt with this ? and what are your opinions on the constant need for reasurance and allways treating me like he acts like he cant trust me like I would cheat on him goes thru my phone my car questions the kids calls me all the timeand sometimes very overly affectionate to the point of nausea then makes me feel guilty if I dont reciprocate ??????
when the fact is we have seperate checking accts seperate bills that we are each resp. for due to me and kids not being able to depend on him soooo I eventualy had to have my check deposited into a seperate acct. and he has resented me for it ever since. I also feel that when there is beer in our home that he has purchased it is unfair for him to then ask me for gas money it was his decision to buty beer maybe he should have bought gas instead. Ok anyway what this is really about is that things had been good we were getting along and talking more I was getting more comfortable letting my guard down just a little and the kids were also noticing a difference in him I was cautious but it was nice,and then out of nowhere he starts in with the Is everything ok? over and over like 5 times in an hour seriously! and I would say yeah everythings fine and im sure i had this kinda confused look on my face because we were not arguing there was no reason for this strange concern of me being ok. It was like he was trying to pick at a scab and then we were in bed watching tv and laughing talking right before going to sleep ALL was good. When we turned off tv and kissed goodnight just about to fall asleep (we both have to get up at 5:00 and 5:30am by the way) And he says R we ok?? very dramatic and acting all serious ?? I felt like he had just pulled the rug out from under me, here I was thinking this was really good I was having a good time being around him more not dreading it and now I feel like what I thought was really good and was really enjoying he obviously wasnt feeling the same way and I dont feel like its sincere either because there was No reason for it , now if it had been after i Had spent the whole night crying or if I had been emotional ,angry Any of the times when he has seriously hurt my feelings then IT would make since to ask something like this but it wasnt. He could tell I was annoyed that he had ask this like he was trying to steer up some drama and he would say why r u so defencive why cant we just talk wow sorry i Didnt mean to upset u I guess I AM JUST AN ASS HOLE! he finaly admitted he is just very insecure and says he is just sooooo afraid of me leaving him? I dont buy it , it just felt fake and manipulative . My mom said he is afraid that if I ever find out some of the things that he has done that i will leave ,she thinks there are things that I dont know about, and she said he does not feel that he deserves me and that those feelings cause him to act this way. Has anybody else dealt with this ? and what are your opinions on the constant need for reasurance and allways treating me like he acts like he cant trust me like I would cheat on him goes thru my phone my car questions the kids calls me all the timeand sometimes very overly affectionate to the point of nausea then makes me feel guilty if I dont reciprocate ??????
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
It's a rebound, he has gone from neglect to over compensation.
He will find a balance. He is doing lots of nice stuff, just going overboard.
His insecurity is part of the addictive personality.
He covered it up with whatever substance for years.
He is expressing vulnerability, love and a willingness to do better and make amends.
Think how awesome that is.
It feels weird to you and foreign I'm guessing.
The rebound will settle.
Id say your Mum may have some truth to her opinion but she is also very mad at him for putting you through what he has. So she struggles to see the good in him.
But you can, and he is trying very hard to demonstrate it to you.
Hope that helps
He will find a balance. He is doing lots of nice stuff, just going overboard.
His insecurity is part of the addictive personality.
He covered it up with whatever substance for years.
He is expressing vulnerability, love and a willingness to do better and make amends.
Think how awesome that is.
It feels weird to you and foreign I'm guessing.
The rebound will settle.
Id say your Mum may have some truth to her opinion but she is also very mad at him for putting you through what he has. So she struggles to see the good in him.
But you can, and he is trying very hard to demonstrate it to you.
Hope that helps
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Well, from my understanding, unless something has changed your husband is still in active addiction?
In my experience everything an active addict does is game playing whether intentional or not so I can understand your feelings on what is going on. It feels off and it feels vaguely unsafe and predatory. Not in a physical way but in an emotional way.
I don't know that I have any advice or sharing for you on that other than to say I get it because I have been there. It is a bad feeling. **{hugs}}
If he is actually in recovery than Hawks post makes more sense to me. My husband did not find any kind of true recovery until he had been an ex husband for a couple of years so I did not navigate the recovery stuff.
In my experience everything an active addict does is game playing whether intentional or not so I can understand your feelings on what is going on. It feels off and it feels vaguely unsafe and predatory. Not in a physical way but in an emotional way.
I don't know that I have any advice or sharing for you on that other than to say I get it because I have been there. It is a bad feeling. **{hugs}}
If he is actually in recovery than Hawks post makes more sense to me. My husband did not find any kind of true recovery until he had been an ex husband for a couple of years so I did not navigate the recovery stuff.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Before my AH left he was constantly asking if I was ok, is everything ok and saying things like please don't leave me, I am so scared you'll leave! He was so insecure but I think it was more to do with his active drinking and he knew I was struggling to cope with it.
I don't know if your husband continues to be active in his addiction or if he is manipulating you but please be careful. Big hugs
I don't know if your husband continues to be active in his addiction or if he is manipulating you but please be careful. Big hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 72
Most of the time, if something doesn't feel right, then it usually isn't. Just tread lightly and keep your eyes and ears open and hopefully it will work itself out. Keep taking care of yourself and kids the best way you can. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
This is abuse. You're walking on eggshells. He doesn't trust you (yes he's massively insecure, my ex was the same way). The demands that you pledge your loyalty at his whim while he watches you closely, that you account for every expression on your face - mental abuse. I've been through it. It's intolerable.
My XAH had major abandonment issues (he's ACOA) but that didn't excuse it or mean it was any reasonable way for me to live.
My XAH had major abandonment issues (he's ACOA) but that didn't excuse it or mean it was any reasonable way for me to live.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
My AH is like this when he is rebounding and feeling guilty. I always feel nervous and off-kilter because it's after an "incident" and I know there's always another one just around the corner, but for that moment, he understands what he is doing and putting us through.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
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See, here's what I see:
HE wants to talk and when HE doesn't get what he wants then HE throws a hissyfit. And then YOU are supposed to apologize for not wanting the same thing HE does at every single moment.
You are absolutely right, friend -- that is manipulation and fakery. Trust that instinct right there.
HE wants to talk and when HE doesn't get what he wants then HE throws a hissyfit. And then YOU are supposed to apologize for not wanting the same thing HE does at every single moment.
You are absolutely right, friend -- that is manipulation and fakery. Trust that instinct right there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by Butterfly 
Before my AH left he was constantly asking if I was ok, is everything ok and saying things like please don't leave me, I am so scared you'll leave! He was so insecure but I think it was more to do with his active drinking and he knew I was struggling to cope with it.
I don't know if your husband continues to be active in his addiction or if he is manipulating you but please be careful. Big hugs
I don't know if your husband continues to be active in his addiction or if he is manipulating you but please be careful. Big hugs
thanks
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by lillamy
See, here's what I see:
HE wants to talk and when HE doesn't get what he wants then HE throws a hissyfit. And then YOU are supposed to apologize for not wanting the same thing HE does at every single moment.
You are absolutely right, friend -- that is manipulation and fakery. Trust that instinct right there.
HE wants to talk and when HE doesn't get what he wants then HE throws a hissyfit. And then YOU are supposed to apologize for not wanting the same thing HE does at every single moment.
You are absolutely right, friend -- that is manipulation and fakery. Trust that instinct right there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by Santa
This is abuse. You're walking on eggshells. He doesn't trust you (yes he's massively insecure, my ex was the same way). The demands that you pledge your loyalty at his whim while he watches you closely, that you account for every expression on your face - mental abuse. I've been through it. It's intolerable.
My XAH had major abandonment issues (he's ACOA) but that didn't excuse it or mean it was any reasonable way for me to live.
My XAH had major abandonment issues (he's ACOA) but that didn't excuse it or mean it was any reasonable way for me to live.
How can my husband of 19 years not realize how hurtful and disrespectful that is to me? I just feel kinda hopeless in my marriage right now.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
unease7....I, also think that is sounds like you are actually living in an abusive relationship.
This may have become so "normal" for you that you have not fully realized it.
I suggest that you go to the stickies--the articles at the top of this Friends and Family of Alcoholics page---and read the ones about abuse, in particular.
dandylion
This may have become so "normal" for you that you have not fully realized it.
I suggest that you go to the stickies--the articles at the top of this Friends and Family of Alcoholics page---and read the ones about abuse, in particular.
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
Unease, I've said the same thing to AH and he's agreed with me. He's a bottomless pit when it comes to attention and ego-stroking. I can never fill it. I think it's because he feels so incredibly bad about himself that he needs other people to build him up. I've told him, tho, he needs to find it within himself. I can't continually build him up, esp when he keeps knocking me down. It has to come from within.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I never saw it as abuse or manipulation before, guess I wanted to believe he meant everything he said and when he was feeling really bad after a binge he was being genuine and remorseful. I thought he was telling me how he feels. I am realising esp the last few days even the things he says now are manipulation!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I used to look at it like... physics. Things strive for equilibrium. When a person has done something bad, we want things to go back to normal. When we're... an addict, or mentally ill, we just have a bad understanding for where boundaries are and when things, frankly, will never go back to "normal" after a certain action.
Actions have consequences.
If you threaten to kill someone, you can't just say "I'm sorry" and think that's the end of it. If you beat someone, saying "I'm sorry" isn't going to reverse your actions.
That's one thing addicts have a difficult time with. They tend to minimize their own wrong-doing and overstate the wrongdoing of others.
Actions have consequences.
If you threaten to kill someone, you can't just say "I'm sorry" and think that's the end of it. If you beat someone, saying "I'm sorry" isn't going to reverse your actions.
That's one thing addicts have a difficult time with. They tend to minimize their own wrong-doing and overstate the wrongdoing of others.
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