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Just need opinions please

Old 09-25-2014, 11:59 AM
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Just need opinions please

I havent posted here in years, but have been dealing with issues regarding my boyfriend of 5 years. Drinking, abuse, etc. It has been steadily getting worse and worse and last night I did something that he said was a "mistake".

He is divorced and gets his 2 children a few nights a week. Last night he had his kids, now, normally he doesn't get super drunk around them, but last night was a different story. He was incredibly drunk, could barely talk drunk. I had tried to call his house about 5 times and he wasn't there so I was concerned about where the kids were, he finally did call me from his cell phone and said he was home. But when I tried the home phone he still was not there. This is a long distance relationship so I couldn't just drive over to see where the kids were, etc. I decided to text his ex wife and let her know that he was not home, he is already on not very good terms with her because of the drinking issues in that relationship. She called me this morning and said she sent the sheriff over because she was concerned he may still be drunk and bringing the kids to school. He is (typical alcoholic) blaming me for everything.

Was I wrong to inform his ex wife of this? If it were me, I would want someone to tell me. But I am falling into crazy talk with him and just want some other opinions, instead of just his.
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Old 09-25-2014, 12:06 PM
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Putting the kid's safety first was the right thing to do. Any sober parent would want that information. Hopefully she will be able to get supervised visits because of this.
How bad would you have felt if the kids had been hurt or killed due to him driving them drunk or passing out/blacking out while he was supposed to be watching them?
What exactly is keeping YOU stuck in this relationship? This guy sounds like a mess, and that's being polite.
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Old 09-25-2014, 12:19 PM
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I ask myself all the time...I keep thinking he will change back to the man I met. Sometimes I still get the occasional glimpse of that guy...he has just changed so much. And maybe its not so much as changed from the man he was, but just hid who he really was from me for so long. I just think he could be a good person, a good man...but I also believe he is borderline personality, so he refuses to admit any weakness, refuses to admit any mistake. Every mistake isn't a mistake...the mistake is how people react to it. I don't know why I stay in it...5 years is a long time, and I have never been good at walking away. He is very abusive as well, more so when drunk/hungover...so for a good 3 years I have been told that I am lucky, no one else would want me, etc..etc. I guess I also worry about not finding someone I connect with like I did with him at the beginning.
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Old 09-25-2014, 12:22 PM
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I wasted five years on an alcoholic, so I'm not trying to judge or be critical. Do you do alanon at all?
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Old 09-25-2014, 12:25 PM
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Originally Posted by bookworm77 View Post
I guess I also worry about not finding someone I connect with like I did with him at the beginning.
But you don't have that now, do you?
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Old 09-25-2014, 12:32 PM
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The kids' safety was THE major priority.

When he stops recognizing their safety as a priority in his life, red flags are abound.
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Old 09-25-2014, 12:50 PM
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I have not done al-anon at all, I own the codependent books, and the abuse books, and all of that. It is easier for me to read about stuff than to talk about stuff. Plus, I always worry "what if he finds out I am talking about this, what kind of treatment will that earn me"

I don't get what I think half the time, it is like I know why I don't talk to friends and family about it (training, abuse when I do, learned behavior) so I just keep it all inside and I don't say anything to anyone.

And its crazy, I know deep down I wasn't trying to get him in "trouble", but I am starting to think..hmmm, maybe I crossed a line. I was just very concerned for his kids, and like Florence said about not recognizing their safety as a priority..that is something that has been happening for a long time. Just never to his extent. He will allow dangerous things when he has been drinking, he lives on a farm so he will let them shoot guns, bow and arrows, ATV riding, etc. Its just more of a lack of supervision which I know is just as bad, especially with two boys. Plus, the fact that I don't think they should be exposed to that kind of life.

I probably should do al-anon...I am thinking it would help me detach from him and move on.
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Old 09-25-2014, 12:51 PM
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I hope whatever woman is unlucky enough to get involved with my husband would do the same for me. Alcoholics will blame you for everything anyway!
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Old 09-25-2014, 12:53 PM
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You did the right thing, children and their safety MUST come first. Good for you.
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