jarp

What's going on with me?

He managed to singled handedly get himself booked into one of the better private psychiatric hospitals, they specialise in addiction and personality behaviours (among other things of course).

He's on 10 day detox and then they are aiming for rehab.

With all the dog poo he's out me through...all the verbal and emotional abuse that I barely react to, his comment that he is taking up his sisters offer to take him in there had me really...peeved.

Why? I don't want to see him, I had the kids so couldn't take him in, I'm glad she's taking him in there.

So why did the little comment...'she's taking me in there because I know you won't help me' have me seething??? I bit back.

I'm glad he's gone in there, kudos for him making a big boy plan for himself....what's wrong with me? I'm not this nasty!!! But I'm peeved. Really peeved.

Maybe it's just a release from all the poo he's put me through, and in...but with his suicide threat hanging over me I've buried my anger in care and concern and sadness. Running on adrenalin. Now he can't kill himself my real feelings come out?

Or is it just codie rubbish.....he doesn't need me....whine whine.....he's turned to someone else for help.....poor me...agh he doesn't need me.......whine whine?? QUACK!

I'm no passive doormat, I can fire up...but about that pathetic comment?

Sick of myself.

Missus

I don't know about you, but that passive aggressive sh!t saying that you *obviously* don't care enough to take care of him and someone else *does* care enough (never mind all the crap you've been out thru), and poor little me would make me pretty friggin' furious as well

redatlanta

Best defense is offense….

"Yes I am glad she was available because you are correct I do not want to take you, I do not want to see you, and I am busy taking care of our children and home. Good luck".

Click.

FeelingGreat

When the pressure reduces a little, the anger has a chance to emerge. I hope he comes to his senses as the detox kicks in.
Pathetic little guilt trip he's put on you, but as transparent as a child.

BoxinRotz

You do know that since SHE is taking care of him, he wont take care of himself and all of this detox and rehab is wasted time, services and money because HE wont do it for himself.

Mark my words, he'll be an abusive, drinking ahole again.

hopeful4

Um....because YOU have tried and tried to help him. YOU have stayed with him until the very bitter end. So for him to act like you are doing nothing, that's crap. My X pulled that too when his sister took him to rehab. Whatever...manipulative QUACKING!

Jarp, you would be doing yourself a huge favor to go NC about every single thing except the kids.

XXX

HikerLady

What's going on with you is that you are angry, nothing more nothing less and definitely nothing wrong with you..welcome to the world of normalcy! Who the heck told you you aren't supposed to get angry in your recovery from all the dog poo? Best thing that ever happened to me in my steps towards recovery was to finally just be angry without the need to justify it or label it. If you need a justification,your'sis an easy one, you are human,getting angry from a feeling of unfairness is not nasty, it's normal!! On to the next step forward,and yeah you in your progress! Great vent! I am hoping that it has helped you cope/deal with that anger,the venting about it, if not, what other ways have you found effective for learning how to move through your emotions and letting them go effectively so that you are able to continue your progress?

Remember to not dwell in HIS issues (his baiting, his attempts at manipulating your feelings etc). He just told you that yes indeed, his brain is in the land of addictive irrationalization. If we analyze it deeper,what he's really saying is that he is finally getting the help he should have gotten long ago and he's angry that he is finally facing the consequences of HIS ACTIONS, by losing his family..shame on you for enforcing your need to protect that family<<<his irrationality, the reality IS you are helping him more by not allowing him home to inflict more damage on you and the children. So, now, what is wrong with you and why are you sick of yourself again? Hoping the anger has dissipated and you are looking forward to a new day and more steps towards a better life for yourself and your children.

Bullfrog

I spent so many years trying to be "compassionate" and sympathize and walk on eggshells. But when the anger finally came, man, it really hit. The sympathy was just gone.

53500

Passive aggressive bs, geez. Trying to guilt you. It's normal to be angry at this.

atalose

Sometimes you just have to close your eyes, count to ten, take a deep breath, remind yourself that you wouldn’t look good in prison stripes and just smile at the dumbass and walk away……..

It's ok to be angry, anger is a good motivator for change.

dandylion

Jarp....I am going to join the other posters and remind you that your reaction to this is NORMAL. He is angry....people are coming between him and his ability to just drink without impunity. He is especially angry at you--cause you are at the center of his storm.
So....he is "stabbing" at you.

I think you may be right, also....that part of you is a bit "jealous" of his sister....because your ego is feed by the feeling of being needed by him. That CAN be a part of co-dependency. (we live and learn...LOL).

Your feelings are legitimate. They are what they are. (How we channel those feelings are another story, of course).

dandylion

Santa

Of course you're angry - anyone would be angry to be on the receiving end of a manipulative statement like that one.

It's all part of the me-me-me alcoholic mindset. The alcoholic is the center of the universe, and anyone who does not lay down her life to serve him 24/7 has done nothing in the relationship, is selfish, is hateful, is a horrible human being etc etc blah blah blah. I've heard it all too many times to count.

NYCDoglvr

He's being manipulative and you're codependent. I suggest Alanon and letting his sister deal with him for a while to give you a break.

jarp

Thanks everyone...I agree there are two sides to this coin....but in thinking about it I think the side of the coin that represents my anger is bigger and brighter than the co-dependant side. I am fuming mad at the state we've BOTH put us in...I'm stinking mad at him, but also myself.

He's been out of the house for 3 months now, I think Ive come a really long way. This time last year I had no boundaries. Now I have firm boundaries I have stuck to and not wavered on. He's out of the house, I don't talk to him if he's been drinking (which means we rarely talk), hes not allowed near the house, me or the kids if he's been drinking, needs to organise to see kids (no dropping in), he's on supervised visits, and part of that is that he can't be drinking or showing withdrawal signs, and neweds to be 'right'. I've stuck by all of that relentlessly ex for that small slip back in July after he came out of detox.

But I do think Danylion and NYCDoglvr are also right....there is still a part of my ego that gets fed by his need, and I need to keep working on that.

dandylion

jarp.....I think, to a certain degree, we all like to feel that we are important to our loved ones and we take pride in that we contribute to their well being in a reciprocal kind of way. We are all interdependent to a certain degree.
It is just when that is our major identity and our major source of satisfaction that it works against us.....

At least, that is my way of looking at this.....

dandylion

lillamy

Well, you've learned one thing:
He's clearly highly capable of taking care of himself, so you don't need to feel guilty about letting him do that.