Just a little update
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Join Date: May 2013
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Just a little update
A couple weeks back I posted about a night where I had just had enough, and had to leave and be away from AH after the usual craziness and some particularly hurtful things said.
Well, lo and behold he did end up going with me to the event we had made reservations for that weekend (my bday present from him). He'd asked if I'd cancelled it, I said no, because I want to go. So we went, it was amazing, but I couldn't help but feel a little sad considering everything. During the fight the night before, he brought out some alcohol bottles and said "here, now it's out in the open." And then slowly went back to completely hiding it.
It's slowly getting back to "our normal", which is me doing the usual nice things that have become everyday occurrences, except I'm not doing all of them everyday. He's done some nice things here and there, and showing an effort in little displays of affection. But there's also been some heavy talks, especially about my unhappiness in the marriage, the constant moving around. AH has been looking at houses in other states for months now, and has settled on one location in particular. Par for the course for him. It probably makes sense to anyone reading this, but I can't tell you how infuriating and just plain old weird and not okay it is that one's spouse control all access to finances and earnings/savings, choose jobs and make moves like this without any consultation/discussion. Usually any kind of communication about important things is done in fits and tantrums - yes, I realize I'm talking about someone who has an addiction and thus the typical communication problems that go with that. Sometimes I just have to remind myself that this is just the way it is. After several years I haven't really accepted that yet.
At this point I'm considering staying where we live now, and that just makes me deeply sad. Where he wants to move is close to his family and friends, so of course they will be elated that this is the next move - little do they know that just two weeks ago he was looking at houses in one of the most isolated states in the country! So even though now he is saying he wants to be closer to them (which to most people probably sounds like a good thing), to me it's just another "grass is greener" change of scenery. Also, I'm remembering all the times in which he's wanted to stay away from them, all the holidays he vowed not to go home. But maybe being around all their drinking makes him feel more normal, I don't know.
Okay, getting out of his head now! Sorry, I tend to do that. Anyway, so just feeling really depressed, and just wanted to get that out as I've been isolating. It's been a rough day, thinking a lot about different points in the relationship, the good times, especially after finding some old cards from him with just the sweetest and longest inscriptions - and then playing the tape all the way through and remembering the bad and sometimes really scary times that preceded or came after.
Yesterday I opened up to a family member that knew about the drinking but not the violence, and she gave me some really tough love and a "lecture" (her words) about how I need to leave and cut my losses. Reading posts here opens my eyes to how much worse so many others have it - I'm fortunate we don't have children, there's no custody to worry about or anything like that.
Sometimes I'm crying about things and I think, why am I crying? What exactly am I feeling or thinking about? And at times I don't even know anymore. Isn't that weird?
Well, lo and behold he did end up going with me to the event we had made reservations for that weekend (my bday present from him). He'd asked if I'd cancelled it, I said no, because I want to go. So we went, it was amazing, but I couldn't help but feel a little sad considering everything. During the fight the night before, he brought out some alcohol bottles and said "here, now it's out in the open." And then slowly went back to completely hiding it.
It's slowly getting back to "our normal", which is me doing the usual nice things that have become everyday occurrences, except I'm not doing all of them everyday. He's done some nice things here and there, and showing an effort in little displays of affection. But there's also been some heavy talks, especially about my unhappiness in the marriage, the constant moving around. AH has been looking at houses in other states for months now, and has settled on one location in particular. Par for the course for him. It probably makes sense to anyone reading this, but I can't tell you how infuriating and just plain old weird and not okay it is that one's spouse control all access to finances and earnings/savings, choose jobs and make moves like this without any consultation/discussion. Usually any kind of communication about important things is done in fits and tantrums - yes, I realize I'm talking about someone who has an addiction and thus the typical communication problems that go with that. Sometimes I just have to remind myself that this is just the way it is. After several years I haven't really accepted that yet.
At this point I'm considering staying where we live now, and that just makes me deeply sad. Where he wants to move is close to his family and friends, so of course they will be elated that this is the next move - little do they know that just two weeks ago he was looking at houses in one of the most isolated states in the country! So even though now he is saying he wants to be closer to them (which to most people probably sounds like a good thing), to me it's just another "grass is greener" change of scenery. Also, I'm remembering all the times in which he's wanted to stay away from them, all the holidays he vowed not to go home. But maybe being around all their drinking makes him feel more normal, I don't know.
Okay, getting out of his head now! Sorry, I tend to do that. Anyway, so just feeling really depressed, and just wanted to get that out as I've been isolating. It's been a rough day, thinking a lot about different points in the relationship, the good times, especially after finding some old cards from him with just the sweetest and longest inscriptions - and then playing the tape all the way through and remembering the bad and sometimes really scary times that preceded or came after.
Yesterday I opened up to a family member that knew about the drinking but not the violence, and she gave me some really tough love and a "lecture" (her words) about how I need to leave and cut my losses. Reading posts here opens my eyes to how much worse so many others have it - I'm fortunate we don't have children, there's no custody to worry about or anything like that.
Sometimes I'm crying about things and I think, why am I crying? What exactly am I feeling or thinking about? And at times I don't even know anymore. Isn't that weird?
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I think you need to divorce the Alcoholism from the behavior in this instance.
Just like we say cheating is not a characteristic of alcoholism, neither is being controlling. Some A's don't even know how to log into a computer to check a bank balance.
So even if your husband was treated for the drinking issue, I don't think you would see the behavior otherwise change that much. Remember the alcoholic person and the sober person are the same person.
Unless this life is appealing to you - moving constantly, not being involved in such a major decision, having no control over your finances, and violence - your family member is correct. Its time to look at moving on.
I know its hard. Many ((((hugs)))) to you and support for what you are going through.
Just like we say cheating is not a characteristic of alcoholism, neither is being controlling. Some A's don't even know how to log into a computer to check a bank balance.
So even if your husband was treated for the drinking issue, I don't think you would see the behavior otherwise change that much. Remember the alcoholic person and the sober person are the same person.
Unless this life is appealing to you - moving constantly, not being involved in such a major decision, having no control over your finances, and violence - your family member is correct. Its time to look at moving on.
I know its hard. Many ((((hugs)))) to you and support for what you are going through.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Originally Posted by TonightTonight 
It probably makes sense to anyone reading this, but I can't tell you how infuriating and just plain old weird and not okay it is that one's spouse control all access to finances and earnings/savings, choose jobs and make moves like this without any consultation/discussion.
Marriage is not about one person making all the decisions and the other following dutifully, and I can tell you have way too much self-esteem to go along with it indefinitely.
Great post that shows a lot of awareness. Thinking of you.
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FeelingGreat - sorry I wasn't clear, I didn't mean to suggest that his behavior made sense, I meant that my anger over it does. My brain is broken these days and I can't even express myself that great! And my self-esteem has really taken a beating (I'm not sure how high it was to begin with but wow is it low now) and I've tried to take care of myself and have a life to increase it.
RedAtlanta - Yes, I understand. It's confusing to me learning different aspects of alcoholism. I understand that not all A's have the same behaviors (in fact it's hard for me to relate sometimes to some of what I read here, though it sure seems like it at times (in an open AA mtg or two I've heard about moving around a lot to be happy or to explicitly get sober anyway). But I've also learned that even if it WAS related and even if AH did get into recovery that doesn't translate to problems solved.
Thanks everyone for your support and insights, it means so much. I get to go to an alanon meeting today and hoping it's a good one.
RedAtlanta - Yes, I understand. It's confusing to me learning different aspects of alcoholism. I understand that not all A's have the same behaviors (in fact it's hard for me to relate sometimes to some of what I read here, though it sure seems like it at times (in an open AA mtg or two I've heard about moving around a lot to be happy or to explicitly get sober anyway). But I've also learned that even if it WAS related and even if AH did get into recovery that doesn't translate to problems solved.
Thanks everyone for your support and insights, it means so much. I get to go to an alanon meeting today and hoping it's a good one.
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Also, I meant to say this about the violence - the last serious episode was two years ago (wow, doesn't seem it) though there have been small things here and there. I don't know if it's me staying out of his way, not saying whatever I did to upset him before when angry /hurt (not that it was my fault!) or because the serious time two years ago I called the police. Now *he* threatens to call the police!
Despite this, no, I'm not 100% he wouldn't do anything ever again.
Despite this, no, I'm not 100% he wouldn't do anything ever again.
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Changing people places and things is a necessity usually to maintain sobriety though does not always include a physical move.
When I see people consistently uprooting a home, or job - that to me is a person who thinks that changing geography is going to solve their problems (and they are usually the problem so it doesn't work).
When I see people consistently uprooting a home, or job - that to me is a person who thinks that changing geography is going to solve their problems (and they are usually the problem so it doesn't work).
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