Sikofit

Wow, Jarp--wow. Thank you for sharing--and how sad.

I'm almost speechless. Well--I don't know what to write, I guess.

We have not talked since on the phone. He was pretty much asleep when I got home. Didn't respect my request for him to sleep in the other room--he was pretty open to that on the phone earlier. Guess the remorse is over.

The bathroom got cleaned, thank goodness.

Sikofit

I hate this. I've been smug for a couple of months--I'll admit it. Now I'm back in a pit of despair over my AH again.

Trip to NYC went well-- for the most part. Of course, we drank throughout the city. We were at a sporting event where he over drank himself into being a jerk--I proudly left him to get back to the hotel on his own. The next morning he apologized first thing.

Where I did NOT practice such independent non-codependent skills was at the end of the trip. I'd bought something that put our luggage overweight limits. He was all worried about this the night before we left; I told him, don't worry--if it is, I'll carry some of the clothes in my carry-on bag. We got to the airport early enough; it was over, so I started transferring things to my bag. I made a comment, "or we could just pay the $25 for overage?" And he jumped down my throat, said did I think we were made of money, etc? I said, "ok, it was just an idea--but I didn't see you complaining about money at any of the bars we visited..." No reply.

So we get in line to check the luggage and find that he never paid for the checked bag, so it's going to cost $45 anyway! I said, "So--you were complaining about me wanting to spend extra, but because it's YOUR mistake, it's ok?" And he said yes.

We've barely talked since, so I asked him tonight how this is MY fault and why is HE mad at me?? He was very verbally mean--screaming about how he'd TOLD me the night before it was going to be over-weight, etc. I pointed out that the problem got solved pretty quickly by me, but he didn't want to hear that. Accused me of mumbling "under my breath" about his "mistake" of not paying for a checked bag. Told him there was no mumbling--I said it with the intent that he hear it!

So it just escalated and got to the point of how he earns more than me so I have no right to complain about how the money is spent. A sore point with me--because he truly has just been lucky, not more deserving, in his career. I couldn't believe he was being so cruel. I told him I'd take action--which meant, look into divorce. He screamed at me--"make sure you do something--I'm sick of your threats!"

So, I guess this is it. It's not going to get better. He's always going to revert to making me feel inferior. I don't know if it's a progression of his alcoholism, or if he's just a giant a$$hole who will never change.

I am terrified to take this step. Not because I'm afraid to be alone--I'm alone a lot of the time now, and I'm fine with it. But financially I'm very scared.

Talk me down???

LexieCat

You're gonna be OK. You only have yourself to provide for, and it sounds as if you are working?

Your first good move would be to consult a lawyer who can explain what your rights and obligations are. You may come out of this just fine financially. You don't have to be concerned about child support and custody. You might be entitled to alimony (long marriage, he earns more) on at least a temporary basis until you land on your feet.

Hugs, it will all be OK.

Do see the lawyer, though. It doesn't commit you to anything, but you might feel a lot less stress just finding out what's what.

LittleBirds3

I'm so sorry. I was hesitant to leave my AH (soon to be AxH) - because I was a stay at home mom, and I was scared to get a job. Well, I got one and kicked him out. Six weeks later, he got fired. Imagine how devastating his firing would have been if I was still at home full time?

I guess my point is - if he is an active alcoholic, he is likely to get fired eventually anyway, right? So you might as well start financially preparing yourself so when the inevitable happens, you are in a better position than you would have been had you not prepared yourself.

desypete

what makes you think he has a drink problem ?

you will soon know if your living with someone who has a drink problem compared to someone who has just enjoyed a good night out or day out and ended up worse for wear

throwing up in the bathroom 2 times is not really a sign that someone is an alcoholic to me

hopeful4

I remember when I came to that realization, that my XAH was not just an alcoholic, but is a jerk sober or drunk. Our values don't add up, nor do our morals. I am a better person without him.

It has been a financial struggle, no lie there. IT'S WORTH EVERY DIME!

Just my .02

Sikofit

Desypete, even HE, in rational moments, agrees he has a drinking problem. He can't stop once he begins; structures all activities around drinking; has caused numerous horrible times throughout our almost 26 year family life because of his excessive drinking.

For the most part, I've learned to detach and I guess I haven't shared a lot on here about it. I thought I was prepared to ride it out and just accept that this was my life. There's no real physical violence--it's all verbal and emotional. Now that both kids are on their own, I guess there's been a shift in my attitude. I'm questioning if I really want to spend the rest of my life with this person.

I've set up consultations with two attorneys on the next two Fridays (my days off work) to get an idea about my options, financially.

Please continue to support me, SR friends--I do admire the knowledge you all have. Thanks.

hopeful4

We definitely support you! Seeing an attorney is wise. You should know what you are dealing with. It is not making a decision that second, but educating yourself on how to prepare if that is the way you end up going.

Tight Hugs. I saw attorney's WAY before my marriage ended. It did really help my mindset.

XXX

Sikofit

Hopeful4, for some reason I can't thank you for your post--even though I'm signed in. But--thank you.

AnvilheadII

i'd suggest if his drinking is a problem for you, then quit drinking with him. unless there's a typo below:

Trip to NYC went well-- for the most part. Of course, we drank throughout the city. We were at a sporting event where he over drank himself into being a jerk--I proudly left him to get back to the hotel on his own. The next morning he apologized first thing.

firebolt

I just want to send you some support and good wishes. Good luck with your lawyer visits - knowing your options is a GREAT step. I think you'll be fine financially on your own, in fact, I could bet you have no idea the amazing things you are capable of on your own! HUGS!

Refiner

Good for you! This should make you feel better just to know what options lie ahead for your financial protection. It sounds like the next phase of your life/marriage could be retirement and those should be your peaceful golden years... can you imagine what he will become with the drinking when he doesn't have any responsibilities? Good that you're looking at the leaving the Madness Merry-go-Round options now.

Sikofit

By AnvilheadII: i'd suggest if his drinking is a problem for you, then quit drinking with him.

I'm not really sure why you have this tendency to make these short, snipy replies to everything I post. However, I am NOT an alcoholic. Maybe you mis-read--I didn't mean we stumbled from bar to bar. However, we did stop at a couple of bars that other non-alcoholic friends had recommended to us as fun to visit. We had wine with dinner several times.

I've brought up this issue before--I feel like I should be able to still enjoy alcohol because I'm not the one with the problem. Others on SR agreed. No, it wasn't explicitly stated that I should drink WITH him, but we were in a different city--I didn't have much choice.

If he were in recovery, I wouldn't think of drinking in front of him. However, if I know he's going to drink no matter what, and I can drink one or two and then stop, it's not an issue FOR ME. He would not do anything on vacation (probably wouldn't even go) if he couldn't drink.

I admit that it was my mistake to continue drinking with him on the day of the sporting event--I should have seen that it was getting to the danger zone. I guess I'm not perfect.

However--your comment doesn't really do much for me, now that I'm realizing that I need to seriously re-examine my relationship and my desire to stay married. Obviously, I'm in a hurtful place and can't foresee us having many more happy times together where we toast to being on vacation.

You've been called a bully before by others on these boards--can you see how your little snippet here makes you look like that? I'm sure your life hasn't always been sunny, and times with "Hank" when in active addiction wasn't always a cakewalk with a straight solution in sight. Lighten up a bit, will you? I don't want to get into a huge back and forth with you, but please examine why you're so critical of me overall. If I had all the answers, I wouldn't be here.

AnvilheadII

you didn't have a drink and he abstained....you drank WITH him. but then when he had TOO much you no longer approved and left. he's an alcoholic, he can't drink at ALL safely....not even as you put it to toast a vacation. you want him to be one way....the guy who CAN have a couple drinks....but you KNOW he is not that guy....drinking can kill him.

his addiction has erased his ability to have one or two. and stop. when he drinks he turns into that JERK you left behind.

you can't feed the beast raw meat and then expect the beast not to want more. by drinking WITH him, you fed the beast. be the same if I brought crack home and expected hank to behave and not want some. and then get MAD at him if he did some and the whole friggin' nightmare started up again. I was the one who quit first....and had to deal with HIM still wanting to get high. I would never put him in the position to be faced with that particular demon again. his Achilles heel. that would just be cruel. in fact, you might call it being a bully...............

Sikofit

Ok, NOW I see where you're coming from...and I agree with you. I do want him to be someone I can just have a few, fun drinks with and then go home. My bad. And I hate that it's not that way, and I guess I'm just not accepting that it's that way yet.

Thank you for explaining, and sharing your insight. I appreciate it. I know you have a lot to add on here; just don't want to always feel attacked, you know?

RhodeIsland

Ok partner... I'm seeing a pattern with you, and I'm not liking it one bit.

Throwing up in the sink? That's amateur hour teen drinking behavior. When a full grown man does it, that's alcoholism. The ah knows how his drinking makes her feel, yet continues. He drinks to the point of ruining vacations, and a marriage.

amy55

Sikofit,

I got sick of it also. I was so sick of the verbal abuse and the emotional abuse. You can't seem to do anything right. You said he hasn't been physically abusive --------yet-----.

I can only tell you the more I stood up for myself, the more abusive and drunk he got. He was also abusive not drunk. It didn't matter. He became very physically abusive.

Abuse is about control. He was able to control you before. You stopped buying his BS. The abuse will increase. He needs to control you, so that he can keep you. Even the pushing away actions and words mean nothing, they are meant for you to beg to go back to the way things were. Where you just put up with things, and he can do whatever he wants.

Now throw alcohol into the mix.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

amy55

I also wanted to tell you that the fastest my ex progressed was after our children left the home, not that it wasn't hell before then, it became unbearable after they left. It seems that he tried to control himself before our children went to college. I was also married and living with my ex for 25 years. Another 2 years of marriage after I left and the divorce was filed.

LexieCat

I'd just like to chime in on the not drinking with the alcoholic. I did not drink AT ALL around the alcoholics I was married to, once I realized the issue and what we were dealing with. My first husband, who stayed sober for the long haul, often mentions how helpful it was in early sobriety for me not to drink in front of him. After a few years it no longer bothered him, but I still only drank in front of him on rare social occasions. With my second alcoholic husband, I didn't drink in front of him, even when he relapsed and continued to drink. It just seemed to be an enabling kind of thing to do.

So obviously, my not drinking helped one guy and made not a bit of difference to the other. But *I* felt that at least I was not giving mixed signals or encouraging what I hoped would change.

Soberintexas007

Sounds like you are unsure if his angry outbursts are alcohol related or not, as sometimes he can get angry when not drinking. A lot of alcoholics are angry when they are not drinking because they are missing the alcohol, or are just grumpy because the alcohol is messing up their bodies. So, I think that even though he is not literally drinking, his anger is alcohol related because of his addiction. If he sobers up and gets treatment (such as working the AA steps), it is likely that a lot of that anger will clear up.