I'm walking away
 

The last few days have been a real eye opener for me and my relationship with my separated AH. The anger I never seemed to be able to feel hit full force on Sunday. It was recommended that I read a thread about the intermittent chicken, which I did, but I was also texting ah he had been telling me he was sorry he told me to leave him along a few days previously, that he was f****** up and he was on his 4th day drinking binge, he sent me a picture of. A card I had given him years ago about love and said this is how I feel about you. It was during this I read the intermittent chicken and I suddenly realised that was me, I feel so happy when he says he loves me and wants to be with me, when he says he's considering rehab and reading all the material I had given him in an effort to prepare to stop then I get nothing, it's go away, come back, go away, come back and me being the fool I am let it continue this way!!

Anyway my anger has continued to increase over the last few days, I have even smashed photo frames with pictures of us (which is a real shame, it was a beautiful photo frame). So today I find out that he is considering going away on holiday and it hit me he has no intention of seeking help and stopping drinking any time soon, which I told him only to be told that his views on giving up change every day and when he tells me things it gives me hope and how that isn't fair on either of us!! Well I flipped not fair on either of us was he being serious, he walks out drinks and does what he wants having a ball, talking of going on holiday, yet telling dd he's not and how he has no money but it's not fair on him!! :c029:

I told him that I know now that he doesn't love me, not the way I deserve to be loved and wasn't going to get help. I was done waiting for him and when I told him I didn't regret it, didn't say it to get a reaction from him or get him to realise he could lose me or any other reason I have said things like this previously, I MEANT IT! I don't think I realised I meant it until I actually said it and strangely I'm ok. I didn't cry or text him when he didn't reply asking so I take it what I said was true, as I usually would and I have no intention of contacting him tomorrow or a few days time to tell him I didn't mean it, which I have also done!! I seriously mean it and I don't feel as angry anymore??

I don't really understand this feeling or maybe it's a lack of feeling or maybe once I said it I actually realised that I am done waiting for him, that I won't put up with the I love you, I have to do something, I'm not completely lost yet, I don't know whether I want to or can stop drinking or if I will even try and all the other quacking!! Is this acceptance?

This is how ah has kept me hooked, little tiny bits of affection and messages about how f***** up he is and he is preparing to give up drinking!! All gave me hope, well no more, I think I feel relief, I have taken control and made a decision based on what's best for me, for the first time in a very long time!!

I have a mixture of emotions I think I am feeling but not entirely sure but one thing I am not feeling is regret or panic about what I said :)

I feel for you. I believe my AH loves me, but is so insulated from his own emotions by the drink, that he has no way of knowing this.
Hang in there! You will find good support here!

Hi Butterfly,

What's "intermittent chicken"? I'm curious now :)

I am feeling a lot of similar feelings about my separated AH. Last night,
I had a dream about the first guy I ever had a huge crush on. He was my best friend's older brother, and he only saw me as a little sister. Anyway, I dreamed about him last night. When I woke up, I thought to myself "This is NOT all there is. Waiting to be loved by a husband who CAN'T return my love and maybe never will."

He has a way of giving me little rays of hope that he is truly trying to change. A couple of weeks ago he said he felt bad about not being there for me more during our marriage and said "my head just wasn't right. I'm sorry." He says things like that, or makes little comments about how he's not interested in meeting anyone else. He does that to keep me from moving on. I am in no position to date anyone right now, nor do I want to. I have a lot of work to do and I need to focus on my boys. But I'm not doing myself any good remaining emotionally tied to someone who hasn't made a single step toward change in the six months we've been separated.

Butterfly,

Doesn't self realization just run you over sometimes? You sound quite empowered...more power to you!

I am lucky, my ex A has been around the block enough with relationships and drinking that he just pretty much walked when I hit my limit. It felt like such rejection that he didn't come pleading back. (Oh, I KNOW how Codi that sounds!) But when the work I have been putting into myself started to pay out, I felt very much like you are feeling now. I still hit bumps in the road, but hey, growing pains sometimes hurt!

Stay strong sister! HUGS.

Where do I find the Intermitent Chicken?

I got to this part of you post, Butterfly, and a little laugh of recognition escaped my lips.

I know!!!!

I didn't understand it either. But I sure did like it.

The intermittent chicken and the frog

I have no idea how to link to another post....only been here for years....sigh...but if you do the Search thing you'll find a post named
Don't be his chick(en)!!! by Everhopeful from 2013

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So a few weeks ago, I was telling my therapist how I don't understand why it's been so hard for me to let my XA go. It has honestly been so much harder to move on from that 16 month relationship than it was to divorce my XH, whom I had been with for 19 years. It's 3 months today since I got dumped via text by my XA, and although overall I'm doing a lot better, I still have days like yesterday where the pain just comes from out of nowhere and squeezes my heart until I don't think I'm going to be able to stand it. And even on the 'better' days, I know that my smile doesn't quite reach my eyes and my laughter sounds a bit forced, a bit hollow, even to my own ears...but the following story helped me better understand why I'm still struggling. So here goes (and sorry it's so long!):

My therapist told me that when he was studying to get his psychology degree, they had to do an experiment with chickens. They were given 3 chickens, and they had to document their behavior. The first chicken got a food pellet every time it pecked the lever. The second chicken got a food pellet intermittently, sometimes yes, sometimes no. The third chicken never got a food pellet no matter how many times it pecked the lever. My therapist asked me, "Which chicken do you think drove itself absolutely nuts pecking at that lever to get a food pellet?" I gave what seemed to me to be the most logical answer, "The one who never got the pellet...??" He said, "Nope. The one who only intermittently got the pellet." And then he looked at me expectantly, as if this information should have some relevant meaning to me, lol.

So I'm sitting there thinking, 'Ummm....okayyyyyy. What the heck does this story have to do with MY situation?? Why is he just sitting there, looking at me as if he thinks this little anecdote is going to have some significance for me??' So he finally takes pity on me (lol) and says, "That's what he did to YOU." And I just stared at him blankly and asked, "Did what to me? What do you mean?" And he goes, "He created that same situation with the intermittently-fed chicken with you. He always kept you unbalanced with that come here-go away dynamic, he'd call you to come over, you'd be on cloud nine, and then you wouldn't hear from him for a week. Or two. Or a month. Then all of a sudden you'd hear from him three weeks in a row, and then you wouldn't hear again for who knows how long. And he kept up this unpredictable rhythm of highs and lows, always keeping you guessing, never knowing when you'd hear, until you didn't know if you were coming or going. He had you right where he wanted you - close enough to keep you hooked, so that you'd come running when he wanted you, but distant enough that he never had to make any real effort or commitment. And that type of dynamic creates an obsession, wondering when you're going to hear from him, when you're going to see him, then you'd see him and sometimes he'd say all the right things and let you stay over and other times it was for an hour and he'd practically kick you out as soon as it was over. Either way, he'd then go back to ignoring your existence, leaving you to obsess over when you were going to hear from him again, until he wanted his selfish needs satisfied again. You see, he created an obsession in you, just like the obsession created with the intermittent chicken never knowing when it was going to get a food pellet." By this time, I think my jaw was hanging open, and I practically screeched in disbelief, "Wait, I'M the intermittent chicken????" LOL!

I can (mostly) laugh about it now. But I have to say, it took a couple days to fully sink in, and when it did, it really bothered me.....because I knew it was TRUE. Whether deliberate or not, he had turned me into his damn chicken - and I had LET him!! I allowed myself to be turned into an obsessed, clucking chicken frantically pecking at the lever, desperate to get a tiny pellet of affection from him. And my therapist said that these types of relationships can be very difficult to break free of.

I have to say, it was really one of those 'lightbulb' moments for me, and it has stuck with me these past weeks. And on the days when it hurts so much, when I feel like I can't take it, I allow myself to feel the pain, sit with it a bit, and usually shed some tears. But then I do my best to shut it out, dry my eyes and remind myself, "NO. I am NOT his intermittent chicken anymore."

I don't know if anyone else will get anything out of this or not, but I thought I'd share it anyway.

EmmyG and Earthworm...."Intermittent Chicken" refers to intermittent reinforcement (in psychology). It is actually the most powerful pattern of reinforcement.

You can go to the search button on the blue bar at the top of this main page and type in "intermittent chicken"

You can also do a google search on "intermittent reinforcement in psychology".

If you can't find it---please PM me and I will help you find it.

dandylion

As much as many of us do not like the emotion anger it is said that sometimes anger can be helpful in that it directs us to do what is necessary.
This seems to be in your case.
Sorry for your circumstances but great that this is a step in the right direction to recovery.

^^^ Yes! Great information most of us could use!

People always say "when you have finally had enough, you'll know". I recently got to that point myself. You reach a point where you just let it go and move forward.

OMG!!!! Anvilhead and Butterfly, Thank you. I don't want to be the intermittent chicken anymore either. He has been doing this to me before we even really had a relationship. Good grief!!!!! Why on earth did I let that happen?

Seriouskarma yes I do like it :)

The thread of the intermittent chicken really was an aha moment and the realisation was the start of my anger.

I have woken up today and normally I would be feeling regret about what I said, but I don't.

Time I really love self realisation and I am realising a lot recently, I am making decisions for myself and not waiting for him to make decisions.

Emmy, I understand how you feel, you will get there.

How could I have blocked out my psychology 101. I AM the intermittent chicken!!!!! Scratching madly for its love pellet!!! Thank you for this!

Butterfly you sound empowered. You sound like the 4th unmentioned chicken who sometimes got pellets and sometimes didn't and decided 'stuff this for some sort if chicken JOKE' and decided to kick the pellet lever out of its box!!

Anger is good. picture frames are replaceable!

Lol your right jarp!

What a manipulation and control. They do this in so many ways... the passive aggressiveness, the poor me, I am a victim, the self centeredness... it is mind boggling after reading that. We nee to take our responsibility and own that we allowed them to control us this way, that is for sure. In the next breath, I also say, man, the manipulation in that.

I thought this was quite good at a basic level....not focusing on A's specifically, it's PD focused - but I think it still applies.

Out of the FOG - Intermittent Reinforcement

Eventually your own fog clears enough that you realize they are completely, 100% full of crap, and that you don't have to take it anymore.

XXX

Oh Butterfly, you are REALLY starting to spread those little wings & fly!!

These are the BEST posts I have read from you in a long time & yes, I think what you are feeling is the beginning of acceptance. I think you've hit your Awakening, so to speak:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...awakening.html

:c011:

I had a wee wobble earlier about what I had said and my immediate thought was oh I have to tell him I didn't mean it but I didn't react I thought about it for a while and I realised it was fear talking and I don't need to be scared of my future without him actually today is the first day in a long time where I haven't been consumed with thoughts of will he won't he why won't he.

I'm sure he will be thinking yeah yeah how many times has she said that before it won't be long before she tells me she didn't mean it but I do and this time I do not want any contact with him. Did I want my marriage to end this way no, do I love him, yes do I want this for my life NO!!!!

Wendy I never thought of the things he says to me as manipulation before!