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lundy bancroft books and time to move on

Old 09-24-2014, 07:35 AM
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lundy bancroft books and time to move on

Been reading should I stay or should I go and why does he do that. I am very impressed with what he has to say about expectations and being a victim of co-dependency(never did sit well with me).

How ever I am questioning whether or not I may be verbally abusive. I know I have said somethings and regretted it, also I have older sisters who are very mouthy and I have to wonder if
1. being raised with sisters who are verbally nasty, if I am just like them. I am aware that they are not right and I try not to be like them but...

2. Am I questioning this because AH tells me I am not a nice person all the time and is this his way of getting to me or is it true or am I normal?

I have also decided it is time to move on so this morning I called my lawyer and paid them to draw up a separation agreement. Hope I can stick to my guns - I'm tired of being his whipping post. lol
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Old 09-24-2014, 07:51 AM
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cricket.....You don't have to "hope" that you can stick to your guns. KNOW that you can stick to your guns.
Words ave very powerful...What you say to yourself is very important.

Practice saying "I am going to stick to my guns".

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Old 09-24-2014, 08:04 AM
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"AH tells me I am not a nice person all the time and is this his way of getting to me or is it true or am I normal?"

Do you you tell your AH that they are a scumbag and unworthy of redemption? Or are you just pointing out that they engage in a behavior that will kill them and is wrecking your family? Is your AH implying that if you become perfect and absolutely non-confrontational that they will quit drinking?

I know how hard it is to see the forest for the trees. You are much further along than I am, because you have the guts to do a legal separation. I haven't even got there yet, although we have only seen each other twice in 6 months. Good luck to you!
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Old 09-24-2014, 08:17 AM
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Eauchiche you will get there. As for guts I'm scared to death.
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Old 09-24-2014, 10:01 AM
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cricket 123 - I read both those Bancroft books last year and they were invaluable in helping me begin to work through the denial of the alcoholism and the verbal abuse. I had the same questions as you in questioning my own behavior. But then I realized I never spontaneously called him names or abused him the way he did me - at times I said or did things in response when I reached my breaking point - they call this "crazy-making" - it is when you start to take on some of the traits of the abuser as you have internalized what they have been doing to you and you behave in ways that are uncharacteristic of who you truly are.

Read Lundy's chapter about "Am I really the problem" and ask yourself the questions he poses. I had to read it over and over and over again to really internalize that much of the behavior that I exhibited and regretted was driven by codie responses to the lunacy situation. e.g., chasing after him on the subway when he is giving me the silent treatment and running away from a conversation? No I am not proud of that and I accept my behavior was wrong. Part of the recovery is detaching from the abuse that can trigger our own unhealthy behaviors - e.g., in the subway example the stonewalling and silent treatment were huge triggers for me. I can now recognize that and pause and deal with it differently in the future.

That is different then when he would call me up out of the blue when I was at work and call me an a-hole, or b***h or a retard or weird or tell me I am full of s**t or whatever label he chose to use. THe codie part of this picture is that we tend to take on 100% of the blame and question ourselves. My therapist has helped me see that of course I have done things that have contributed (nobody is every perfect in a relationship) and chasing on the subway is an unhealthy response, but that a key difference between him and me is that I immediately apologized for bad behavior and hurting his feelings. I never once heard him acknowledge my feelings and take responsibility. Do you see the difference in your behaviors and his? Read that chapter - it really helps break this issue down.

Good luck to you with the separation. In my case we legally separated in April and had worked all the finances out through the Separation Agreement. He then moved out in May and we agreed to work on the relationship over the summer. We saw each other periodically but ultimately he did not end up stepping up (repeatedly blew me off and I finally had enough) so I pulled the plug in August. But I felt better about working on the relationship after the legal/financial issues were worked out and I didn't have that worry hanging over my head that he would try to screw me. I can truly look back knowing with 100% certainty I did everything I could and the situation was unsalvageable. There is peace in that, and in you taking action for yourself. Even in the midst of the pain, that will give you peace in the future.

Hang in there......
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Old 09-24-2014, 10:52 AM
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I know I have not apologized much to ah because he takes it and fund with it. One thing AB keeps telling me is I say some nasty stuff to our kids - I'm clueless as to wha I'm saying or if I do need to apologize for something I'm not aware of.

I will be sure to reread that chapter thanks
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