Question for Parents of A
 

My in laws were encouraged to cut my husband off financially. Obviously, that means he will have no place to live and no way to pay his probation.

They want to know are they to cut him off completely or gradually. He is currently in rehab.

Obviously, he is quacking away and making it very diffuclt for all of us.

In short, they should do whatever works for them.

I tried giving my "recovering" XAH an allowance while we were still together, but that turned out to be ineffective and infantalizing to boot. He bought booze anyway, and borrowed money from others without my knowledge.

Which is partly my point. He will find ways to get what he needs once they are no longer a source of income. It will be uncomfortable for him, but that's the point. When it comes to addiction, frequently people don't quit until it becomes so insane to continue the addiction that they have no choice but to clean up (but sometimes even then...). It helps "raise the bottom." Pain drives the recovery train.

It's better to reframe this NOT as "he will have no place to live and no way to pay his probation" but instead as "he is accountable for finding his own living arrangements and paying his own probation."

Easier to say. Harder to do. I don't think any of us want to harm him in any way. And we were all hoping that the rehab would give him the tools he needs to move on with his recovery. But, I think we are all also nervous and preparing that it may not work for him. This is what our family has been advised to do...to let him deal with his own finances and to stop enabling him. But, again, harder to put into action. Especially, after you speak to him about it.

Something someone here said to me that made a lot of sense while I was figuring this out is that to stop enabling him, I had to give him the dignity of making his own decisions, and not protecting him from the consequences, good or bad, of his decisions.

I had to un-invest myself in the outcomes in order to let this happen without my interference, which was a challenge.

My XAH is still fully supported by his parents. He is unemployed and living in their basement. They pay for his gas, cigarettes, car, food, and child support. He is unable to visit our daughter without 100% supervision. He is 36 years old and does not appear to be making any moves to change or better or improve his life. He is mighty comfortable doing what he's doing. They have no plans to cut the strings because the idea of him suffering makes them feel sad. To cut him off feels "mean." So they'll be locked in this circle indefinitely, I think.

No judgements, I'm just sharing my experience. This is what they were told to do to help him, and they dug in and chose the opposite.

I am wondering if they could compromise and offer to pay the first month or two of a sober recovery home? For example, we will pay the first two months, you have to get on your feet (that's a part of living in most of those homes anyways, to have a job), and then we are done.

I would think that would be a reasonable compromise for them. I would advise a written contract.

What would be the point of a written contract? It isn't like we would sue him for not sticking to it. And he is interested in going to sober living? I didn't know you had to pay for that. But, they have paid rent for him and all other bills with that same goal "we pay x amount of bills for x amount of months.... you get a job." And the agreement is always there from his half but the job doesn't come. Doesn't last. blah blah blah

so the "problem" here is that he shows little interest in procuring gainful employement and paying his own way? he is a grown up right? isn't about time he started ACTING like one?

The contract is not to sue him, but if he would not follow through to put in front of his face and be able to walk away. It's as much for them to stick to as him.

And I may be wrong about the sober living places, but it was my thinking that you do have to pay to be there. And, the point is that there is a beginning, a plan, and an end. If they will simply agree to give him X amount per month forever more he would not have the accountability of a sober house who will have strict rules, nor the incentive to support himself.

Just my .02