Southerncross

Almost every time I've left my AH alone since he admitted he had a problem he's found his way back to drinking...

I'm out tonight for a night of fun with my work friends - and he knows I'll be drinking - and I am staying out at a friends place.
I'm secretly wishing he will relapse once again.

I think I'm hoping for a final reminder that he's not really there when it comes to recovery. A piece of evidence to help me feel better for the feelings of lost hope that I have.

A reason to not be the bad person...

I know it's terrible, I know I should have confidence in him and at least try to believe he is getting better.

I guess only time will tell...

lillamy

The flaw I seeing your thinking is that if he's drinking, you're not the bad guy for leaving him.

In reality, your moral standing has nothing to do with his drinking or being sober. Or you choosing to leave him, for whatever reason.

You are who you are separate from him and his choices. And nobody else needs to agree with your decision to stay or leave.

ResignedToWait

Speaking in analogy terms...

His recovery is a band-aid on you, with someone always poised to rip the band-aid off at any time (relapse).
While the band-aid is on, things are sort of ok, though you know the wound is still under there. Also, you're always anxious because you don't know when or if that band-aid will be ripped off, causing immediate pain.

Your feelings are that you secretly wish the band-aid would just be ripped off...so you can endure the pain and get it over with, and then not have to worry about the constant anxiety and waiting that was present while it was on.

Makes perfect sense to me why you might want him to relapse. It ends the constant anxiety in your life.

hopeful4

You don't need an excuse. I did that for so long...just one more time.....

I wasted a lot of time and energy and experienced a lot of heartache because I thought I needed him to drink....just one more time.

guava

I understand what you are feeling. As awful as it was when my AH crossed one of my boundaries, it did actually make things easier. It was as if the decision was made for me and that has made a big difference.

dandylion

Southerncross.....LOL...I think your secret wish is more common than you might think. At least, you are being honest in admitting it!

I remember when I contemplated leaving my narcissistic husband (father of my children)---for some reason...I dreaded that his family would see me as the one with the "black hat". Welll, when I knew that I h ad to divorce him in order to maintain my sanity, long term.....I didn't care so much any more. Actually, they lived across the country and I had never been very close with them, anyway.

I have grown up a lot since that time. I now realize that what I think and feel matters as much as anyone else in this world. I don't need to be validated by someone else.
I think it is a self-esteem issue.

My ex-husband tried his best to tear my self-esteem to shreds.

Thank god. I got out before he destroyed me!!!

dandylion

AnvilheadII

you don't need evidence or some final catastrophe to MAKE THE DECISION to take your life in another direction. you are and always have been free to leave when YOU say so........

msm

The hardest part of staying with an active A is the constant questioning of ones self.
Feels like a crazy train somedays....let me off at the next stop.

I remember feeling that I was an unusually happy and blessed person before I allowed AH constanting quacking and drunk behaviours to cloud my thoughts.

Wishing everyone here inner peace and strength.