Ready to Cut and Run

Old 09-24-2014, 01:21 AM
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Ready to Cut and Run

After 2 years of insisting on a fair divorce settlement, I find I am not caring any longer. If I agree to less than I should get, I will have to partially live off of my retirement to support the children until I can start earning more money. But I just feel drained. I don't want anything to do with xah any more. Neither do my children, some days. If we can stop needing xah for additional money, we can decide more or less to not communicate with him any more. He is about to lose his overnights with the children, too. Less pressure to connect with him would be good for all of us.

Has any one out there settled for small amounts and regretted it? Maybe I will have no retirement money any more, but I will be free and my children will be healthier. Maybe I will have to depend on them some day or the government, but so be it. What will be, will be.
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Old 09-24-2014, 02:05 AM
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you are further into this situation than i am , you seem to have made your mind up , ithink you are correct in your thinking , you and your children must come first , take them away from the harm he is causing to them and you, by harm i mean the emotional and mental harm. you and your childrens health and well being must come first.
i myself have lived with my partners alcohol addiction and my step sons cocaine addiction for 16 years i am now a broken man . trapped in a home i hate , but financialy i can not afford to live on my own , if you can then do it.
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Old 09-24-2014, 04:08 AM
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I have a friend who settled for a lot less to get out and keep the peace-things did work out for her. She ended up being eligible for more grants and aid when her kids went to college (that was her biggest concern). Her first step was to get into a smaller, more reasonable place to live. Her advice to me: downsize life right away and don't look back.
Best of luck with your narcissist, and YAY that he is about to lose his overnights!
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Old 09-24-2014, 04:21 AM
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Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng View Post
After 2 years of insisting on a fair divorce settlement, I find I am not caring any longer. If I agree to less than I should get, I will have to partially live off of my retirement to support the children until I can start earning more money. But I just feel drained. I don't want anything to do with xah any more. Neither do my children, some days. If we can stop needing xah for additional money, we can decide more or less to not communicate with him any more. He is about to lose his overnights with the children, too. Less pressure to connect with him would be good for all of us.

Has any one out there settled for small amounts and regretted it? Maybe I will have no retirement money any more, but I will be free and my children will be healthier. Maybe I will have to depend on them some day or the government, but so be it. What will be, will be.
You talk about a small amount, I get nothing.
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Old 09-24-2014, 04:36 AM
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I did. I came out with zero retirement and did not fight for other things. To be fair there is a caveat. I think we started out at vastly different income brackets and the 'other things' were not worth as much as what it sounds like you have at stake. The retirement was the big loss and quite scary as I have a young family and I'm older.

I will say I have no regrets. Zero. None. I'd do it again.
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Old 09-24-2014, 05:14 AM
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I got nothing and considered that a win.
You can always make more money - your sanity, however, is priceless...
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Old 09-24-2014, 05:19 AM
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He was ordered to pay child support (not very much, I let him lie massively about his income to stop fighting and get it done).

He hasn't paid in nearly a year as he is unemployed, has been homeless, and is mentally ill - basically unemployable. My advice is not to spend time arguing about your share of his future income. Without treatment he will lose his job at some point.
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Old 09-24-2014, 05:36 AM
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I left with nothing and it seemed to baffle him that I would never play into his manipulation on pretend settlement offers.

From what self esteem I had left, I knew I believed in myself enough to study and build a career for myself and provide for my children. That journey was priceless.
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Old 09-24-2014, 05:39 AM
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Pippi, you are young, smart, capable. By letting go of anything from your husband, you put the center of your life on YOU.

I found that I had a lot more angst when I centered myself on HIM. I think it will be freeing, though it may be frightening at first to depend only on yourself. You have to believe in yourself, and that took some time for me.

My therapist said something very interesting recently. He was talking about the now proven beneficial health results of meditation. He gave this as an image to meditate upon.

Imagine two garbage bags. In the one on the left, put all your past issues, troubles, everything. In the one on the right, put all your future issues, troubles, worries, hopes, everything.

All that is left is you, right in the middle, with only this moment to meditate on.

Then he added, what you do in the future is dependent on what you do with this moment.

It was hard for me to give up assumptions about how I would be living in the future when I first left my husband. I clung to objects at first - I thought I had to have my beautiful giant dining room table and hutch. I think it meant family and holiday dinners and community to me. And it was my 10th anniversary gift from my husband. I think it was a visible reminder of when he loved me.

It didn't fit in any place I looked at living. So finally, with some real grief, I left it behind. But I missed it and longed for what it represented to me.

Now, I don't want it. I bought a much smaller round table that seats 6 and fits right in the center of my dining room. I hauled along my fancy china and glassware. They are stuffed in a small corner cabinet. Now I think I may sell them on Ebay. I won't be doing any of those big formal family dinners anymore. My grown kids are now hosting them, and it is their turn. I had my turn and I loved it, but now it is my turn to turn that over to the next generation.

I think I will get a smaller set of sassy, eclectic dishes and some very fun glassware. Maybe piece by piece from fleat markets, stuff that has a general theme and look, but doesn't necessarily come from one set.

That would please me. Now. There are many opportunities out there in the future that you will open yourself to when you let go of your past.

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Old 09-24-2014, 07:12 AM
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Pippi,

If you can let go of him, then I think you free up more of your mental space for healthy future pursuits. Money can be made.

FYI, my exA owes me a large sum of money. I will never see it. I accept this was part of the price for the lesson I needed to learn about him/men/people.
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Old 09-24-2014, 07:25 AM
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I settled in my first marriage, even after divorce. I didn't take anything except the kids stuff, so the judge decided I didn't have to pay 50% of a loan he had. It was in my divorcepapers... He didn't pay so they came to me I showed them the courts decision but they didn't care... So I talked to my counselor for advice. She simply said, take your loss, pay it. This happens in a lot of the divorces I see... please Clematis take your loss and you are free of him, It'll take time but you can handle it. It's the only way if you want him out of your life and start over... So I'm still paying. By court order he has to pay childsupport, but he doesn't. So I said to myself, have fun with the money, I'm out I don't have to say please and thank you, and for him... There are no more reasons to contact me or annoy me.... Haven't spoken with him for a bit more than a year, It's hard but the best decision in my life
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Old 09-24-2014, 07:39 AM
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I fought tooth and nail with a smart attorney for everything that was rightfully mine and for my child. he bickered and dragged his feet. The judge saw through this and he was ordered to pay all my attorney fees. (3 years worth). i rec'd 50% of the house which was sold, all the contents (which i sold). Custody payments were paid directly through garnishment of his paycheck.

He cleaned out any joint accounts long before, so i took that hit.

when it was all said and done, he died living at his mother's house at age 54, alcohol related cardiac problems, he stopped working in 2001, spent his daughter's college fund, she now has student loans. he left a huge mess and no will. We have one child, she had to clean it up, finding out he did not pay taxes, had an IRS lein on one property, uncashed stock dividend checks totaling over 20K, another house in disrepair and scores of other issues.
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Old 09-24-2014, 03:43 PM
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How far do you think until you could cross the finish line if you hang in?

This is the crux of any lawsuit which is to wear the other party down until they break.

Sanity is priceless. Prayers for you as you think this through. I don't think there is a wrong answer.
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Old 09-24-2014, 05:14 PM
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I have forked over nearly $150K in alimony and lawyer fees, and it was worth every cent.

Serenity and sanity are priceless.
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Old 09-24-2014, 05:59 PM
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I think you get to a stage when material things no longer matter, realisation that financial problems can be overcome eventually with hard work and that freedom comes first.
I didn't get what I wanted but then I settled for less & why? I just wanted it over.
I would imagine you feel the same.
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Old 09-24-2014, 06:21 PM
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you wouldn't be the first woman to raise children without support from the father. it's quite doable. obviously you need a job that pays the bills.....and a really good budget, trimming out excess expenses. it can be quite freeing to not rely on anyone else in order to survive and thrive.
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Old 09-24-2014, 08:35 PM
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Ahhhhh the price of freedom was walking away from it all, taking my dogs, my clothes and my car. Tried to take the kids and they would not come. I paid my child support faithfully and even notified CS when I got a new job. Never once did they have to look for me or put a warrant out on me for non payment.

My freedom from my ex husband was worth the losses I've endured. My only regret was not doing it sooner.
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Old 09-24-2014, 10:02 PM
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I got waayyyyy less than I could've if I'd fought. I did not have the stomach to fight. I just wanted out. I struggled for a time when my kids were in college and racked up debt to pay the college expenses timely. My ex paid his share but long after the bills came due.

The kids are in their 30s and the debt is paid off. I don't regret at all not fighting for more.
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Old 09-25-2014, 06:28 AM
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It's worth it, I promise.
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Old 09-25-2014, 08:41 AM
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When I left my exH, I sent him with almost every possession that we had, 80% of the money and no regrets. I knew that we would lose it all in legal fees if I fought him for more. I didn't care about the possessions or money, I only cared about my freedom and happiness. However, I didn't do it with children. He has a financial responsibility to them. It seems that if you could get in front of a judge, you could get child support and legal restraints on his access to the kids.

If you go that route, then there would be legal ramifications if he steps out of line. It is a tough place to be and I am very sorry you are going through this now. I haven't been in your shoes, but I have never regretted what I gave up to get away from my ex.
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