PTSD brain and al anon
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PTSD brain and al anon
Right now, where I am with my mega untreated trauma, "one day at a time" and "detachment" are not computing. In order to protect myself from harm that could come from anywhere at any time, I have to keep my guard up at all times and be 10 steps in front of a situation for my safety. "Detachment" from RAH also in my mind, puts my guard way down and it's not "safe". Whether it really is or is not a safe situation. This is where my brain goes in dissociative states. And "forgiveness" let's my guard way down too and opens me up to all manner of attacks. Protect self, at all costs.
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Location: Iowa
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Originally Posted by mejo 
I have PTSD and I understand how you are feeling. You sound like you are "mind tripping". For right now just take it one moment at a time.
Part of what helped me, in addition to trauma therapy, was to develop a different internal monologue when I felt threatened. I have learned to coach myself through panic attacks. It does take practice. I still dissociate, try to escape reality, but I have been taking a class on mindfulness through the VA, which helps a lot.
Have you thought about starting a short meditation practice each day? That is something you can do on your own without worrying about appointments or meetings or steps. I started with 5 minutes 3 times a day and have built it from there. Even a small amount makes a difference. Taking a little break to pause and reset your mind, even when there's much nothing going on with your symptoms, makes it easier to do when they flare up.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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I totally agree with the meditation practice. There's a thread here with youtube links to free guided meditations.
Having to stay constantly in "fight or flight" mode means you are constantly dealing with excess levels of cortisol in the brain. So you shouldn't blame yourself for feeling negative, it's a physiological response to your situation. But you want to get those levels down. Meditation can help.
Having to stay constantly in "fight or flight" mode means you are constantly dealing with excess levels of cortisol in the brain. So you shouldn't blame yourself for feeling negative, it's a physiological response to your situation. But you want to get those levels down. Meditation can help.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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There is a great book about trauma - both the physiological changes to your brain and body, and the emotional changes - and how to cope with it.
In An Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness by Peter A. Levine, PHD.
And if you don't have one, find a therapist who is trained in working with trauma.
It can and will get better. From my experience, it isn't so much about detachment as it is focusing in on what triggers the PTSD and learning to manage your physical and emotional responses to the triggers.
I'd suggest dealing with your PTSD as your primary goal because I think that what Alanon is teaching will make more sense to you as you manage the PTSD better. I don't think what Alanon is saying is the opposite of what you need to do to manage your PTSD; it seems more like a matter of which you pay attention to first.
For me, when I first left my now XAH, I was terrified of him. He was an emotionally and verbally abusive rageaholic and addicted to porn as well as an alcoholic. At 69 years old, he had been taken by ambulance from a restaurant to the ER unresponsive with a blood alcohol level of .329, and when he awoke many hours later, he became violent and it took 8 male guards to subdue him and put him into restraints. The nurses told me he yelled violent threats against me and said I was the cause of it all. The night before I left, he drove me in his new sports - racing - car on the highway to my son's party, and I thought I was going to die. He went 90/100 + miles/hour, weaving in and out of lanes, driving like an enraged madman. My psychiatrist later said that was probably as close to murder/suicide as my husband got.
I ran away, within a few weeks of the ER incident, and the morning after the terrifying drive and went into hiding. I found an apartment in a 3 family house on the middle floor in a close knit small city environment with close neighbors all around. It was not a city he knew or would have expected me to move to. No one could surprise me there. I told the police my situation and gave them my new phone number. I bought a megaphone so that if he did try to come into the house I could yell "fire" and "help" and get people's attention.
That gave me the physical safety I needed, and that gave me the ability to quit focusing on having my AH find me and threaten me. I don't know if he would have, but the terror level I had was huge. I changed my email, got a new phone number, and had the court seal my address in my divorce petition. I changed my mail address from my former home to my son's address and picked up my mail there. So I build myself a little cocoon where I felt safe.
And that helped with the extra vigilance that PTSD caused in me. Otherwise, I felt that I needed to "look over my shoulder" both literally and metaphorically all the time, and that made it hard to heal.
As time went on, and I walked by the ocean with my little dog in my new hometown, I was able to feel safe again and my hypervigilance decreased.
I hope some of this helps you to know - I feel for what you are going through. Now, over 2 years later, I am pretty well emotionally detached from him and from the abusive situation I was in. It has taken lots of therapy, lots of support from my grown children, and lots of time. I am mostly happy and free now, with occasional infrequent bouts of regression into fear.
HALT - are you hungry, angry, lonely or tired? That is a good diagnostic for me since those conditions make me much more susceptible to PTSD. I need to be rested, fed well with healthy nutrition, exercise regularly, and focused on happy things I like to do in order to feel good. That's kind of the baseline for me, and when I let those things go, I falter. So I'd suggest working on the basics of your life - what the core conditions are that you need to create in your daily life to feel secure. While Alanon might not be giving you the guidance you need on PTSD right now, it does have people you can meet and call when life gets too lonely, as does SR.
ShootingStar1
In An Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness by Peter A. Levine, PHD.
And if you don't have one, find a therapist who is trained in working with trauma.
It can and will get better. From my experience, it isn't so much about detachment as it is focusing in on what triggers the PTSD and learning to manage your physical and emotional responses to the triggers.
I'd suggest dealing with your PTSD as your primary goal because I think that what Alanon is teaching will make more sense to you as you manage the PTSD better. I don't think what Alanon is saying is the opposite of what you need to do to manage your PTSD; it seems more like a matter of which you pay attention to first.
For me, when I first left my now XAH, I was terrified of him. He was an emotionally and verbally abusive rageaholic and addicted to porn as well as an alcoholic. At 69 years old, he had been taken by ambulance from a restaurant to the ER unresponsive with a blood alcohol level of .329, and when he awoke many hours later, he became violent and it took 8 male guards to subdue him and put him into restraints. The nurses told me he yelled violent threats against me and said I was the cause of it all. The night before I left, he drove me in his new sports - racing - car on the highway to my son's party, and I thought I was going to die. He went 90/100 + miles/hour, weaving in and out of lanes, driving like an enraged madman. My psychiatrist later said that was probably as close to murder/suicide as my husband got.
I ran away, within a few weeks of the ER incident, and the morning after the terrifying drive and went into hiding. I found an apartment in a 3 family house on the middle floor in a close knit small city environment with close neighbors all around. It was not a city he knew or would have expected me to move to. No one could surprise me there. I told the police my situation and gave them my new phone number. I bought a megaphone so that if he did try to come into the house I could yell "fire" and "help" and get people's attention.
That gave me the physical safety I needed, and that gave me the ability to quit focusing on having my AH find me and threaten me. I don't know if he would have, but the terror level I had was huge. I changed my email, got a new phone number, and had the court seal my address in my divorce petition. I changed my mail address from my former home to my son's address and picked up my mail there. So I build myself a little cocoon where I felt safe.
And that helped with the extra vigilance that PTSD caused in me. Otherwise, I felt that I needed to "look over my shoulder" both literally and metaphorically all the time, and that made it hard to heal.
As time went on, and I walked by the ocean with my little dog in my new hometown, I was able to feel safe again and my hypervigilance decreased.
I hope some of this helps you to know - I feel for what you are going through. Now, over 2 years later, I am pretty well emotionally detached from him and from the abusive situation I was in. It has taken lots of therapy, lots of support from my grown children, and lots of time. I am mostly happy and free now, with occasional infrequent bouts of regression into fear.
HALT - are you hungry, angry, lonely or tired? That is a good diagnostic for me since those conditions make me much more susceptible to PTSD. I need to be rested, fed well with healthy nutrition, exercise regularly, and focused on happy things I like to do in order to feel good. That's kind of the baseline for me, and when I let those things go, I falter. So I'd suggest working on the basics of your life - what the core conditions are that you need to create in your daily life to feel secure. While Alanon might not be giving you the guidance you need on PTSD right now, it does have people you can meet and call when life gets too lonely, as does SR.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Thanks. I have a long trauma history, way back before RAH. He was abusive to me while drunk and constantly angry. From the moment he has been home, there has been none of that. If he had seen me cry before he would have gone into a pity party and said ,"oh here we go again........my life is so difficult, my wife is crying all the time." Right now, he's highly suggesting finding a different therapist that specializes in trauma, or an intensive trauma therapy program. He's not doing the leg work for me, just gently suggesting it.
Except that he himself is a huge fat trigger, whether he is ever abusive again or not.
Except that he himself is a huge fat trigger, whether he is ever abusive again or not.
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