Reminders
 

So, I am going along, doing well. Minding my business, feeling good. Then I go out this morning for the early doggy walk and the weather is beautiful! Cool and crisp, the sky is a particularly clear blue...this weather was not common where I lived for fifteen years. My only memories are from last year, and all of the sudden, this beautiful day becomes a challenge. A reminder of what alcohol has taken and I am once again thrown back a few steps... hate those reminders. As soon as I think I am good, it just comes washing back over me. What reminders catch you are off guard?

Right now... everything. Absolutely everything.

Lately, I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of loss. I miss him so damn much.

Ya know what, It's just going to take more time.

I know this firsthand because Fall is my favorite season. I like the crisp air, sweatshirts, with socks and tennies ( no more sandals) football, leaves turning. I love October.

Anyhow, when I was with xabf I dreaded my season because he had taken over my life.

This year (after close to 4 years later) I couldn't wait. I was excited for fall and all it meant to me. I woke up energized and rejuvenated.

I bought myself a new pair of Sketchers walking shoes. They are super cute and have lime green laces. :) I NEVER splurged when I was with him, I never knew what financial emergency I was going to have to dish out cash for (so sad)

Point is..... it just takes time and it gets much , much , much better. I promise!

time takes time.....for memories to not sear us with their heat, nor crush us with their power. to move from heart wrenching to bittersweet to one day a fond or slightly uncomfortable tug.

my first ex husband, my daughter's dad, passed away back in 2004 from cancer. we'd been separated since 1984 but remained good friends and co-parents. i still have his last fishing license up on the wall here in my office...it was in his tackle box with my daughter transferred to Hank. i can't take it down....

let things happen as they will, don't FIGHT against yourself, ALLOW yourself to feel but do not dwell in any place too long.

I've learned to move into gratitude from down places like that. I make a gratitude list and out loud thank God for my life, health, friends, family, sobriety, work, home, dog ......... It shifts the mind of out of poor me.

I was digging through some papers I had and I found a picture of me and AH right before we got married. We looked SO young and fresh and happy. I was just about to cry when my boys came into the room and started asking me about the picture, and then I remembered that I got those two beautiful children from this marriage and I felt better.

It is true NYC. There is so much to be thankful for- continued healing and hope for the future. It can be a slow process but I hope that we all get there!