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SallyTaylor 09-22-2014 05:21 PM

Pls help me with the intensity of the anger
 
Friends,

I last posted over the summer and was in the midst of deciding whether/when to move towards divorce from my separated AH who had moved out in May.

Well after numerous attempts to "work" on the relationship throughout the separation (which involved him repeatedly breaking dates and blowing me off) I finally had enough. I realized I deserved to be treated better and I pulled the plug. I went on vacation, cleared my head, came back and began the steps towards filing.

The drinking had been omnipresent in our marriage, and as I've gone public with the news friends and acquaintances have come out to share their own observations about his drinking, which validated a lot of what I had previously questioned.

So I'm proud to say I've moved past the relentless self-blame, the gymnastics to fix the situation, the doormat-like acceptance of the disrespect and the verbal abuse, and I've accepted the divorce and I don't want him back in any shape or form.

Which is a good thing, as less than a month after the decision he already brought his new girlfriend (the one he had the intense emotional and physical affair with 18 months ago) to meet his family and they are already happy buddy-buddy friends on Twitter, FaceBook etc.

What I am now feeling is this intense burning anger. I literally cannot see straight I am so angry. I'm angry about what happened over the past 6 years. I'm angry about the affair. I'm angry about how long I accepted being treated worse than dog poop on the street. I;m angry that I am left to pick up the pieces of my psyche while he waltzes off to his happy ending with the woman he cheated with and his family and friends are none the wiser.

I'm angry that there seems to be no justice. I'm angry that he seems to be getting away with the abuse and the horrible treatment and I have to clean up the aftershocks that it has left in my life. I"m angry that I never got an apology. I"m angry that my feelings were never acknowledged - not once.

After years of self-blame and taking on all the responsibility for everything that went wrong I am seething with anger. I want to strike out. I want to send the text messages I found last year with his mistress to all his friends and family to show them his true character. I want them to see his mistress/now girlfriend's true character who thought nothing of sleeping with a married man. I want all the hell and pain to be revealed. I want people to see the suffering that was caused.

Instead, life goes on just fine for him - new young fashion model girlfriend with all the perks that entails and he gets to be away from the unfun naggy 41 year old who paid all his bills for 5 years while he was on his ass in the recession.

THis is the first time I've actually felt the anger. I don't know what to do. I want the story to be revealed so that they can't just have the happy ending that they seem hell bent to have.

Please help - anyone who has been through this - how can I get through the anger about the unfairness and the injustice of it all? I know life isn't fair I just can't bear that someone can leave such wreckage in another person's life and walk away without a care in the work about it. I can't fathom it at all.

Any ideas on how to cope?

thank you for listening.

chicory 09-22-2014 05:49 PM

well, you can hurt him, and her, in the ways you mentioned, but would it make you feel better about Yourself?

Anger only hurts you.

I would give myself time to feel it, to vent, to write about it, cry, yell, etc, but eventually you are gonna have to let it go, or it will destroy you.

What he did wasn't right, but that happens everyday to people. If you let it poison your life, he wins.

would you want him back right now?

can you see a therapist for a bit, to work through this, if it is disrupting your life?

Anger is part of the grieving process. It will pass. Maybe you just need to feel it, wallow in it, and then let it go, after you get tired of it hurting you.
I bet its gonna be alright. your own happiness is waiting. you are young! I wish I was 41 again!!!

AnvilheadII 09-22-2014 05:50 PM

your pendulum has finally swung from believing it was ALL your fault to seeing the harsh and painful reality of it all. anger is an ok emotion....you just aren't used to it!!! don't fight it, but don't go getting all silly with it either. just sit with it...for now. if you need to beat the crap out of a pillow, do so.....or go chop wood....or stand in your living room and just scream.

what we do not want to do is take OUR anger out on OTHERS.....even if they are the source. we don't want to lower ourselves to some base level and make others our outlets, our victims.

you will find your justice...you will see how much better your life is today now that you are out of the insanity. REGARDLESS of what he does with his life.

it's time to detach completely from whatever is going on with him. time to cut off all forms of contact and updates....

and finally....life isn't FAIR. the scales do not always balance out. bad stuff happens, good stuff happens, it's not personal.

MissFixit 09-22-2014 06:00 PM

I understand. I was there too. It took me about 3 years to feel "normal" again. Therapy was very helpful.

WendyOR 09-22-2014 06:12 PM

Oh, your justice will come soon enough by sitting back and letting it all unfold on its own. I believe this....

Do you think that a young fashion model is going to want to just hang out with a man that is drinking and abusing her as he did with you? Do you think his mask will not slowly but surely start to slip off as it did with you? Do you think that her karma will be paid back ten fold? Do you think that she is going to be ecstatic about paying the bills as you did....?

Sit back, work on yourself. So give them six years like you had with him.... And while they are unraveling, you will be building yourself up for so much better.

Be kind to yourself!

I believe that alcoholism, or addiction grows when behind closed doors. It always progresses, but when it is a secret we carry around and don't face, it grows more rapidly, like mold on a week old tuna sandwich (trying to make you smile). So, I do not keep it a secret. I will not keep it a secret. It was a secret too long. As you said, people commented to you about what they themselves observed...

atalose 09-22-2014 06:23 PM

Revenge is NOT a dessert best served cold. Taking your anger out by trying to show that they did you wrong will only make you look like the jealous ex wife.

Once you begin to wrap your mind around that this is not a lose but a blessing. That this other woman is not a winner by any means, and you should be thanking her for taking away your garbage.

You are free of lies and cheating by a man who is not honest, that what she has now.

You are free from his drinking and behaviors, she has those now.

Water seeks its own level, she is as dysfunctional as he is and there will come a time that what ever it is they think they have will all fall apart........by then you will be on much stronger ground.

It's all about controlling your anger towards them and forgiving yourself......when we know better we do better.

SallyTaylor 09-22-2014 06:41 PM

Rats - I was hoping you all would tell me it was ok to out the affair and expose them for the creeps that they are.... :-) Seriously, thanks for this wisdom. I know you are all right about what you are advising. I think this is truly the first time I've felt the anger over all the betrayal and disrespect. And betrayal isn't confined to infidelity - it's also the drinking, the lying, and the whole big mess. It makes me wonder -maybe we self-blame to protect ourselves from the anger? Honestly when I discovered the affair I wasn't angry instead I was obsessed with what I did wrong to cause it. Now I look back and think that was crazy! I think getting it out physically is a good idea - I looked online tonight for some women's boxing classes - maybe that would help

Flavia2 09-22-2014 06:45 PM

I'm so glad you're out of that relationship...and I feel sorry for that unsuspecting fashion model.

MissFixit 09-22-2014 06:51 PM


Originally Posted by SallyTaylor (Post 4913587)
Rats - I was hoping you all would tell me it was ok to out the affair and expose them for the creeps that they are.... :-) Seriously, thanks for this wisdom. I know you are all right about what you are advising. I think this is truly the first time I've felt the anger over all the betrayal and disrespect. And betrayal isn't confined to infidelity - it's also the drinking, the lying, and the whole big mess. It makes me wonder -maybe we self-blame to protect ourselves from the anger? Honestly when I discovered the affair I wasn't angry instead I was obsessed with what I did wrong to cause it. Now I look back and think that was crazy! I think getting it out physically is a good idea - I looked online tonight for some women's boxing classes - maybe that would help

People have a way of finding out about cheating/affairs sooner or later. That stuff is hard to stay hidden.

Exercise is great release. I found running, being outside and anything that would get my heart rate up to the point of exhaustion really helpful. It was like if I could physically exhaust myself, then I could release tension and relax. Sleeping was hard since my mind was racing, so I took many hot baths, drank lots of Sleepytime tea and took Lunesta when that failed. Treat your body well.

Hugs

SallyTaylor 09-22-2014 06:51 PM

Flavia2 - thank you, I'm so glad too. I have to tell you - it took me 18 months of self-doubt, paralysis, indecision, daily self-blame to get here. And really even longer than that - it is just 18 months ago that the affair was exposed and I was forced to see a sliver of my reality that I had been in denial about for so long. I hope and pray for those of you still in the indecisive stage that you find your wisdom about the right path for you.

SallyTaylor 09-22-2014 06:53 PM

MissFixIt - I'm so glad to hear you say that! I was thinking tonight that if i could find some way to just go to a different exercise class each day and exhaust myself maybe that would burn up the emotion. THanks for sharing your recipe with me - I'm gonna try all of it:-)

mejo 09-22-2014 06:57 PM

I really don't think you should "out" the affair, BUT I don't think you should hide it and protect it either. If someone asks, you can say whatever makes you comfortable. Just try not to come across as the jealous ex either. Its your life and if you feel like speaking about it, fine. But don't do it with anger if possible.

ShootingStar1 09-22-2014 06:59 PM

I think it is healthy and it is okay to feel anyway that you feel. You swallowed a huge amount of abuse and you sucked it up and made it ok if you could, and made it look ok if it wasn't ok.

Now that you are out of the denial, it is all coming clear to you in a great flood and your feelings are coming to the surface.

We don't have a choice about our emotions; we feel what we feel.

We do have a choice about our actions. I'd say look to your highest self in what you do. After a time, the anger will clear out, and you will find insight from having finally felt those feelings that you repressed for so long.

As for what you do, this is the beginning of the rest of your life, so look toward who you want to become when you choose to act, not backwards to what you endured.

ShootingStar1

desypete 09-22-2014 07:39 PM

when my ex wife ended up with another bloke and i would mentally torture myself, thinking about how she could do this to me, and picturing them both together in bed etc, my anger was huge and it took a long while for me to learn how to stop doing it

i had to try to be happy for her instead of wanting revenge for my hurt,
i read up all about what real love is and found that my love was a selfish love and it doesnt matter what anyone does to me or hurts me i have to just be glad for the times i have had them in my life

this is a tall order i know and i can understand the anger hurt ex partners have but its dangerous to live in the pain of it all
only when i could understand that i was living in the pain could i look to try to stop doing it
so for example
i had to quit facebook so i couldnt check up what she was doing or who was saying what as it hurt me and got me angry
if i would think about her i had to find something else to think about and do things to take my mind off her
it doesnt go away over night and i used my sponsor a lot during these times as someone i could let my hurt out on

it takes hard work and effort but in the end the pain goes away so long as your look in your heart for peace and love

today i feel sorry for my ex i really do as she has lost so much but its her life i only hope one day she can finaly be free from the drink and start to learn how to live a good honest decent life
but sadly some people can not but thats ok as i will try to help them anyway

so why hurt yourself anymore with your own head ? accept it how it is and let it go
writer it all down on paper just how your feel with all your anger and then set fire to it and watch it go up in a puff of smoke
let your feelings go up in that puff of smoke to and make a promise for yourself that from today onwards your not going to let the thoughts hurt you anymore

good luck to you

SallyTaylor 09-22-2014 08:09 PM

I'm sorry you had to go through that, desypete. It sounds like you gained some real insight and peace on the other end. It gives me hope that I can get there one day myself. And maybe then I can help someone else like you are helping.

Thank you to the whole community for your helpful advice and counsel. It seems unanimous to do whatever it takes to let it go. I will keep trying - one day at a time...

amy55 09-22-2014 08:13 PM

Sally, I was angry for a long time also. I thought about things, even when I was married sometimes I don't know if I loved him, or wanted to love him, just because he was my husband, or what was it that angered me the most.

In my case I found out that I don't think I loved him, I wanted validation. I wanted him to love me so that I could break him like he broke me.

It was when I realized this, I began to be able to let go.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))

Catherine628 09-22-2014 08:50 PM

I have felt that anger too. It was so intense it scared me and for the same reasons you mentioned: infidelity, drinking, lying, and my own willingness to put up with it for so long.

The good news is you are moving on. The best revenge is a life well lived. I tell myself that a lot to squash my homicidal feelings.

There is peace waiting on the other side of the anger. I found exercise, yoga and journaling to be helpful. Sometimes when my revenge fantasies really flare up I watch Orange is the New Black as a reminder that I am poorly equipped for prison life.

I also believe in karma. Cheating, lying, drinking and who knows what else make a terrible foundation for a relationship.

PunchDrunk 09-22-2014 09:09 PM

This might sound really bizarre, but I envy your anger, because I haven't been angry and it's been four months since we split. I have every right to be, I know, but it hasn't happened. That scares me. My therapist and I are working on it. All I feel is sadness and pity and forgiveness. Sure as hell doesn't sound like me. ;)

Gazza 09-22-2014 09:51 PM

I have struggled all my life with intense murderous anger. what finally helped me was a concept called the 'anger iceberg'.

In a nutshell it says that anger is a secondary emotion: that other emotions lie beneath it and preceded it. I was then taught a technique called RAIN: Recognize Accept Investigate Non Identify.

it might help all the information is online. I worked on it with a counsellor it's used in anger management courses.

good luck, anger is such a horrible feeling.

G

Jenibean87 09-22-2014 09:54 PM

What's the big deal with coming off as the jealous ex wife? Why is that the worst thing the OP could be? Smh.

Anyway. I'm my experience, he's happy with her because his skeletons are back in the closet. Addiction doesn't stay hidden, and not so long from now, he will be cheating on her with someone else who he can hide his problems from. I should know. I am the second woman who took over my A's chaos after his wife finally had had enough. And then he cheated on me with a younger (hard to even fathom...) woman when he had satisfactorily demolished our relationship. It's part of what he has to do to keep his addiction safe.

So, get mad! It sucks! It's not fair! It's not how your life was supposed to turn out! Feel mad, self-pitying, upset, jealous, spiteful and all of those things that will eat you alive if you don't give yourself a minute to feel. Isn't that what separates us from the As? That instead of numbing, we actually feel? Take pride in the fact that you can handle life and it's ups and downs sober and get through it.

Sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. It gets better.


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