EmmyG

As I posted here yesterday, my separated husband got picked up by the police yesterday for running in and out of strangers' backyards in a town about 30 miles from where we live. The cop told me he had committed no real crime, but that he was a danger to himself and acting erratically. I told the cop that he had a history of this. He said he needed to further evaluate the situation and he would give me a call to let me know if he'd gone to jail on a drunk-in-public or to a hospital. I made a remark like "yeah, a hospital would be the best place for him."

He just called and left me a voice mail saying he knows I spoke to the psychiatrist at the hospital and told them he belongs at the hospital and has a history of this. He said I've ruined everything and that he is SICK of me and how I always give bad advice and get him into these situations, like when I forced him into rehab. Mind you, that was in 2010. We were living in San Francisco and he was binge drinking so I left and came down here to Southern CA to stay with my parents. A few months later, he was drinking very heavily and doing coke. The doctor gave him antidepressants and he was combining them wih alcohol and had a week of complete, scary paranoia. I went up there and found him in his apartment surrounded by whiskey bottles. I told him he needed rehab and that it was important and he had to go. He agreed to it. Now, he says he can't believe I took advantage of his vulnerable state and that he never would have agreed to that in his right mind, and I jeopardized his business, etc.

How on EARTH does this man not see that this is not my fault? He was running through STRANGERS' yards. Who DOES that? It's insane that he is angry at me. I can't even begin to comprehend his thinking.

Is it wrong that deep down, I hope he decides to move back to England and I never see him again? I know the boys love him, and I know he is super loving toward them and like I said, he's been present and involved in their lives.
But oh the other hand, how are these episodes going to affect our boys as they get older? Would it be better to not have their father in their lives at all? I don't know how long I can stay involved in this circus. As detached as I get, I still have to co-parent with him.

SparkleKitty

Oh sweetie. It just...it doesn't have anything to do with you. He needs it to be your fault so that it cannot possibly be his. All the rage in the world won't change that. And if it were me, I would put him on the plane back to the UK myself. All the hugs, EmmyG.

dandylion

EmmyG.....It is absolutely a waste of time to engage in exchanges with an active alcoholic who has a lesion in his frontal lobe (as per your last post).
Detach; detach;detach.....and see his statements as the utterance of a "crazy, altered brain".

This is not worth your getting so upset, yourself.

dandylion

iamthird

I get it. I too get blamed for Separated AH life. Sometimes I dont know if absent dad is better than dysfunctional dad DD6 sees every so often. This is where I have had to take a step back and realize we cannot shield our kids from reality but catch them when they fall.

Hug your boys extra today!!

firebolt

Hang in there, EmmyG. Glad your boys have you. Your H is in the right place - and his anger doesn't change where he's gotten himself. It's a GOOD thing he's there - and it has nothing to do with you. Glad you can see the QUACK for what it is.

Sikofit

I've stayed with my AH for 25+ years. When the kids were young, it was hard (although there was a period of 8 yrs that he didn't drink at all, he started up again when kids were about 8 and 11).
They went through some ugly times with him, coupled with the teenage years...I still cringe to think about some of the things they heard and saw.

For my part, I tried to always be truthful about the fact that their dad was an alcoholic, so they never felt it was something that they did wrong (well, at least most of the time).I think being up front with them was a big part of them growing up pretty healthily.
They're now almost 23 and 25, both college grads, self-supporting, and they are in contact with me and AH almost daily.

So yes, it can be done. But...
The police were only involved in our argument once, when the kids were young...
He is very high-functioning--works, plays sports, cooks, cleans, etc.
There are still things I wish my kids had never had to witness; the verbal abuse was bad.

Just a few insights from someone who stayed...

And yes--things are much better between us now that the kids are out of the house. I practice as much detachment as I can on the nights he chooses to over-drink--about 3 nights a week. It's sometimes a lonely life, but I decided I was better off with him than without.

EmmyG

It's a struggle for me. Because during the week, and most weekends, he's there. Before his episode yesterday, he left me a message that he had gone to the grocery store to stock up on what the boys need this week and grabbed some stuff for my place too. He took our son to his soccer practices during the week and was there for his game on Saturday, being supportive. But then he goes and has a drink, and for some reason he always ends up off his rocker. I just don't understand it.

dandylion

If he is there almost all of the time.....isn't that sort of missing the point of separation.

What don't you understand? He is an alcoholic...they drink. That is just what they do.

When alcoholics drink---especially with a lesion in their frontal lobe--they get crazy.

surely, you know these things, by now.

I am not saying this to be impudent. Surely, these things are familiar to you, by now...?

dndylion

Fandy

he is going to BLAME YOU for everything that goes wrong in his life until he no longer can.

He is going to be violent AGAIN, you make him out to be the "father of the year".
good that he wants to support his kids, but do you really trust him to be around them. suppose they wake up and father of the year is sprinting through the neighbor's yards or driving them around drunk, because HOW did he wind up 30 miles away? he didn't teleport himself.

you send mixed messages. last time I read a post from you, you were thinking that you, the X and the kids were moving across the country in separate residences of course. before that he was a drunken, embarrassing Loon at the 4th of July fireworks....your kids are exposed to this, you have control to stop this exposure....they do not. I think he may do more harm long-term and they will be afraid to tell you.

I hope you and the kids get some FTF therapy...it will help you see how crazy has permeated your day to day living.

EmmyG

I'm not saying he's there all the time for me, he's around them. We don't live far apart, so he spends a lot of time with them. He's never driven drunk with them or been abusive toward them. Yesterday, he didn't have his truck, he left it at his house, so I don't know how he got there.

I guess I've felt like because he's not drunk around the kids when he's alone with them, that there's not much I can do to keep him from them, and wasn't sure that I should even try. I thought a father who was there most of the time, but absent sometimes due to drinking was better than no father. I suppose now with the psychiatric hold I probably have more grounds legally to keep him away from us.

amy55

Emmy,

Sometimes a person has a mental disorder that they can somewhat keep under control until they use alcohol to self medicate themself with. Sometimes take the alcohol out of the equation. Usually if you live with the person, you can see the mental disorder showing with or without alcohol.

There really aren't that many alcoholics who would have done what your H did.

EmmyG

I think that's extremely likely in this situation. There's really nothing I can do. He keeps trying to call me from the hospital but I'm not answering. He just wants someone to blame other than himself.

amy55

Emmy,

What do you truly think and feel?

I think that a 72 hour observation hold is good, but it might come out saying nothing. Why? Because personality disorders are relationship disorders. They know when to keep a mask on, and can do that when they are sober.

Think about your life when you were living with him. Is this filling in some of the blanks that you couldn't figure out?

To me, it seemed at first that you were pissed this happened, but not really surprised. I'm only saying that because I wasn't surprised.

AnvilheadII

if you were interviewing a babysitter and they mentioned that YESTERDAY they were arrested by the police for running amok in a neighborhood out of their heads - would you consider for a moment whether that person should be allowed around your children??? wouldn't the interview end right THERE?

he is unstable. VERY unstable. and unstable people even in their stable moments really should not be directly involved with or left to caretake CHILDREN.

he cannot be trusted. something bad will happen.

EmmyG

I'm not surprised at all, and not really angry. I'm angry that he's blaming me. But I've known he was mentally ill for a long time. You're right, he can hide it well until he is under the influence.

Stung

Since you're in California and your boys are so young you really are pretty limited in terms of keeping your kids from him, and you do not have the power to decide whether your AH will be in your kids' lives or not. He has parental rights and it is pretty difficult to entirely remove those rights from a parent, alcoholic or not. Mentally unhealthy or not.

What you can do is consult with an attorney, give them all of the details, including his latest shenanigans and ask for guidance and advice. You guys aren't legally separated yet, right? I think now might be a good time to do that. Basically it will just settle and legalize custody, money and insurance. With his latest activities I would be very curious about what kind of legally binding custody arrangements you can get away with? Maybe you could realistically push for only supervised visitation because of this psych hold and his DUIs, etc.

ETA: I know you say that he's a good dad, but what does that constitute? What does a good dad do? Does he demonstrate how to be a good man - is your AH a good man, is he demonstrating that for them? Is a good dad emotionally available? Is a good dad respectful to his childrens' mother? Absence of physical or verbal abuse does not make a man a good dad.

EmmyG

Thanks, Stung. Yes, I think it's time to make the separation official and sever any legal ties.

I am in California, and you're right, it's not simple to keep him out of their lives. But he has a DUI on his record (from 2012) and now this, which may help me with placing restrictions on custody. I have a cousin who runs a weed operation out of his house and has several DUIs under his belt, but he still has 50% custody of his one-year-old (and we've all called CPS on more than one occasion), so I don't think it would be a breeze by any means.

You make a good point. He is loving toward them and provides for them, and when he's responsible for them, he keeps it together and bathes, feeds them, gets them to school, etc. But no, he's setting a terrible example. He recently said that he's very aware they are getting older and he doesn't want them to see him this way. But his instability makes him a bad father. I know a few single mothers who always tell me I'm lucky that he is around and provides for them financially and shows up for this field trips and games. I guess I'm always weighing everything.

Stung

Like I said, go consult with an attorney. When my AH was still actively drinking it made sense for me to not do anything. He wasn't fighting me for any visitation and I supervised them constantly when he saw them. To have filed for legal separation or divorce would have given them unsupervised time with an actively drinking parent. For me, filing didn't make sense and it's very possible that it might cause more harm than good for you but that's why it's good to go talk to someone who knows the family laws in our state.

EmmyG

The hospital just called me, it was the on-duty psychiatrist. They wanted to ask me some questions, but he basically said that they can't hold him because he's not meeting the criteria for a psych hold. They said he tested positive for cocaine, and that's probably what contributed to the whole thing. I told him that I'm not at all surprised, and that keeping him there won't make a blind bit of difference. I also told him to let AH know I won't be picking him up.

I think it's time to skip the legal separation and proceed with a divorce. By not making it official, I'm keeping myself in this mess.

unsureoffuture

My STBXAH is the same. He is great for a period of time. Involved with the kids, taking them to practices, cheering on games, acting reasonable and responsible like a dad should, functioning normally and seemingly better and then wham he is off his rocker. That is why I had to leave. The unreliability, the constant upheavil when things are going smooth was slowly killing me. I realized that as long as he was not embracing true sobriety and recovery it will always be this way. It's that ugly disease of alcoholism rearing its ugly head. They can only suppress it and pretend for so long. I have learned rto just accept what is instead of what I wish it would be.

I totally understand how frustrating it is. Keep focusing on yourself and your kids. They need you. You are not alone.