TerpGal

I'm not finding it so helpful. I can't even get get past step one which is making me feel even worse. I can't even get *this* right

SparkleKitty

Honey you're super-down on yourself lately. Lots of negative self-talk and "I can't"s. You are dealing with a TON of stuff and it's no surprise you're feeling this way. Instead of trying to conquer the twelve steps in the next twelve minutes, just focus on accepting you first. Just as you are. Because it is okay to not be feeling something. It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to feel like you're dealing with a lot because you are. But you won't move forward until you accept that you are where you are. The more you struggle and say you can't, the further from acceptance you get.

We all here at SR think you're pretty great. And believe me, I too have lived with the voice whose immediate response to that statement is "What does SHE know?" I promise you that voice is a lie that doesn't serve you. Let it go.

hopeful4

I did not get CR at first either as far as the steps. What did help me was sitting there and hearing other people's experiences and having a safe place to talk about my issues. I'm sorry, I cannot remember, do you go to counseling? That also helped me immensely!

TerpGal

I am in therapy. I guess I accept that I don't like myself and that is where I am. I accept that I didn't cause RAHs drinking or my father's drinking. I am stuck on my father's abusive behavior is not my fault. And it was mostly HIS abusive and controlling behavior that led me to believe that I am not good enough, can't do anything right.

hopeful4

Terp...you are doing the right steps. Therapy will help you. Take a look at all you have been through, it's a lot. You are good enough, your opinions and values matter!

Look, your support system has been nill. You need stable people to be there for you. And mostly, give it time. You did not get where you are overnight, nor will you be healed overnight. It's a process, and you have to give yourself credit for each baby step. Just being here and saying what you are saying is a big step! You are reaching out to us, we care about you, we will be here for you.

Stay with the counseling. Listen, read. Be objective when you start to be critical of yourself and think about if what you are saying is even valid, or just a knee jerk reaction you have been having for years. Slow way down. Love yourself. Be kind and do nice things that make YOU feel good.

Much love and many hugs coming your way my friend!
XXX

SparkleKitty

I inherited the same lovely lack of self-worth from my verbally abusive A Mother. It took me about five minutes to intellectually understand that my mother's treatment of me was entirely about HER and not at all about ME...but much, much longer to understand it in my heart, and to grow a healthy self-esteem.

I also felt that I didn't like myself for a long time, and the worst part was recognizing and naming it. That was also the beginning of being able to let that go. After all, I was stuck with me for the rest of my life -- I could either continue to not like myself and be miserable, or I could take the time to get to know myself better, to embrace the good and change the bad, until I was comfortable and actually even LIKED living in my own skin! All along the way it felt like, this is impossible, I am never going to feel differently...until I did. I held on, and it happened. I took care of myself and treated myself nicely, and I changed. It can happen for you too.

NYCDoglvr

I had a verbally abusive mother who didn't like me. Took a lot of work in therapy and the Steps but over time it gets better. Next time you're out, look at a little girl and ask how much power she has over her parents or surrounding. It's a good way to ground yourself and realize you were powerless and not at fault! Now when I hear my mother's destructive words I say "thank you for sharing, mom, now get the f*ck out of here!"

honeypig

I was working thru some issues w/a dysfunctional FOO as well as sexual, physical and emotional abuse from my stepfather a number of years ago. All the years between age ten and mid 40's, I'd always thought "well, things weren't right at home, but I was a bad kid, so I deserved it to some extent."

At one point, I was at my sister's house in the kitchen w/her 10-year-old daughter. All of a sudden, like a bolt from the blue, I looked at her, this little girl, and thought "Holy F, THIS is what I was when the abuse started! How in the world could I ever have deserved THAT? I was just a little kid!"

It had never dawned on me just how young and helpless I really was back then, and how there was simply nothing I could have done, ever, that would have warranted the way I was treated. It was a revelation for me.

I think NYCDoglovr's suggestion might be a real eyeopener for you too, Terpgal. Give it a try and see if it doesn't change your perspective at least a little bit. When the adults don't act like adults, the kids end up paying the price...

lillamy

I spent a long time going to Al-Anon meetings and not working the steps. I didn't get a sponsor immediately. I went through three counselors before I found one I liked. My attitude was "I've spent over 15 years being told by an alcoholic what to do. I've spent most of my life doing what other people told me to. Right now, I want a safe place to vent and I want to figure out what I want to do."

I was sick and tired of all the "shoulds" and all the "right" ways of doing thing. I had tried that my entire life, and clearly, it hadn't worked.

I went to my therapy appointment. I went to Al-Anon. Whether I wanted to or not. That was my commitment to myself -- just go. You don't have to get a sponsor or work through the steps until you're ready.

SoberLeigh

You have a lot on your plate, TerpGal. Maybe, just sit back in Alanon - relax, listen and absorb; take what you need for now; you can work the steps when you are ready. (Warning: I have never been to AA or Alanon so take my opinion for what is worth or isn't.)

m1k3

Hi terpgal and ((((hugs)))). I have been going to Al Anon for almost 4years now. Never had a sponsor, never worked the steps, at least not formally.

For me, meetings are a sanctuary, a place were I can speak at not have my words twisted and thrown back in my face. A place of fellowship where I am not alone and there are people just like me who understand what I am going through. A place that feels more like family than I ever had with my FOO or my AW. A place I can pick up skills and behaviors that I should have learned as a child.

So, it's OK to use Al Anon the way it works best for you. After all it is your recovery.

Your friend,

Hammer

Be patient with yourself.

The Steps will still be there whenever you are ready.

Hawks

If I may attempt to help, here are some questions to ask yourself in relation to step one.

Did anything you thought or said or any of your behaviours or activities or actions ultimately stop your Father or Husband from drinking?

If the answer is no, you are powerless over their choice to drink. You are not personally powerless over alcohol, but powerless by proxy.

How is your life today as a result of their drinking?

I know "unmanageable " can seem a bit absolute and many people say "I can't admit that, I'd be admitting 100% total failure"

The key is not to take that 100% personally.

Your looking for an aggregate score from all the various aspects of personal, family, work, friendships etc etc.

On any of those levels, are you managing it all well and happy with each aspect?

Again, don't take it personally, take a step back and try to look at it objectively.

Does it feel like you can't manage any of them the way you would like to, because you just can't manage to juggle 30 different things and manage each well.

That's not a failure on anyone's part, no one can manage 30 things.

That is why companies have various managers who focus on one or two tasks. Sure, the general manager has to overlook each individual manager below him, but he needs them, because he knows he cannot manage it all by himself.

So... Step one in Alanon is about detaching from those things you cannot manage. You manage those things you can "God grant me the serenity..... " and you step down from trying to manage the unmanageable.

I hope that helps you look at step one a little differently.

God bless and best of luck with it all