Fathom

I've started seeing a new therapist this week because my old one moved away. He made sure I was setup to see this new therapist before he left, and she does seem very good so far. She suggested that I take a wellness class to help me work through my social anxiety. I think this is something most people who know me wouldn't guess that I have a problem with. I am not jittery or even excessively quiet in social situations. I can joke around and tell interesting / funny stories as well as anyone else. I'm an introvert, but I can turn my "social" on when I need to. In fact, I'm often the one trying to pull the quiet ones out of their shells. I'll admit, I do find it exhausting at times, but I never thought it was anxiety-producing.

So, what's my deal? Why would my therapists think I have social anxiety? Because I only trust people I knew before or during my relationship with XAH, particularly men. I'm friendly, but only as friendly as the situation necessitates. I don't aim to make friends with anyone in my community, and I've been here now for more than two years. I force myself to get out and about in my small town. I have met some people who say they've seen me around, but I am so closed off and in my own world, I've never noticed them. I tell myself, "well, at least you're not holed up in your house. You are getting yourself out in the world and seeing the sun. That has to count for something!" But, it is obviously not enough. My town isn't so small that there are truly limited people I could meet and do things with. So, what is holding me back? Why am I so resistant to finding where I fit into my (not-so-new) community?

So, I'm recognizing that I do have social anxiety in some ways, and I do think that working through this will be crucial for my recovery from my emotionally abusive relationship with XAH. Has anyone else been down this road yet? Or, are you walking this same road with me? I'd be interested in all your EHS.

Thanks for being here!

Fathom

SunnySunday

It's difficult to make new friends outside your previous relationships. I think a question to ask is also if you are happy with where you are now. Do you really feel like you have to find a place or niche in your community? After my divorce, I moved back to the small town I grew up in. Despite growing up here, I initially felt like a stranger in my own hometown. I felt like I didn't know anyone and being a single mom, I was a bit of an outcast amongst parents. Yeah, it's that type of town here unfortunately. I wanted to fit in and thought about joining some of the adult recreational sports or volunteering, but I found that I was simply trying too hard and realized I was happy without having to establish a specific circle of friends. I think I just didn't want it enough to put myself out there. I think I'm just fine being a plain old citizen of the community with some anonymity. I don't like drama, and I don't like to have everyone know about my life, so I think that prevented me from getting too close to people. Word and gossip travels fast around here and I don't want to be the subject of anything. You could call it social anxiety, but I'm happy where I am. I would rather have relationships and community friendships develop naturally instead of inserting myself somewhere.

AnvilheadII

i'm not sure if for me it's true social anxiety, but I sure don't like people that much! close. I know lots of people, friendly, but don't pursue getting close to anyone.

yet just this week we had our all staff retreat, 60 people, plus the staff at the conference center, AND our work group had a presentation to give - and I did just fine. as the admin support I did a lot of "hostess" type stuff - greeting folks, hugs, handshakes, moving around the room, etc etc....and it looked pretty effortless. I even got nice comments on my impromptu part of the presentation that wasn't planned - that I seemed to have a gift for public speaking.

ha.

then Friday I was the team leader for our team of 25 at a Day of Caring project...where we merged with other teams, totaling 138 plus all the staff at the project site. getting my team welcomed, t-shirts handed out, dealing with the fact that I did not get any LARGE t-shirts in my order, altho they were requested.

all in a day's work.

but I CRINGE if hank says one of his buddies is coming over, or even worse, a couple which means a female I have to interact with. make small talk, appear interested. all the time just wishing they'd LEAVE.

maybe it's about turf....or safety. or situational. not sure.

PinkCloudsCharley

I thought I had social anxiety. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. For years i thought I had a problem. Then I read The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World by Marti Olsen Laney. Turns out I don't have a disorder, I'm just an introvert! I quit my anxiety meds (which was hard) and started to listen to myself as an introvert instead of trying to compare myself to an extrovert. My soul is a lot more at peace.

Fathom

Ah. I've come to terms with my introvert nature already. The thing with me is that I have noticed I act differently now than I used to. I can feel the wall I have built around myself and it feels suffocating at times. It is a wall of fear and distrust, and I don't like that it exists. But, I know it keeps me safe. It has allowed me to heal on some level... I know that's why I put it there. The question is, do I really need it anymore? Can I reach out to others again, confident that I won't let myself get hurt again? How can I start to dismantle this wall a bit so that I can build my community again? I think I've realized that being open to people allows some risk of being hurt again. I think there may be more to my fear now.

What other risk could there be that I'm afraid of? I'm afraid of failure. I think there is a high likelihood that I won't find people I can totally relate to who are also looking for new friends. Everyone who wants friends has friends already. Or, if they are like me, they aren't looking. (BTW - I know this is absurd, but a part of me truly believes it!). Also, what if I really can't relate to anyone in the community? The people I have been close to in the past I've met through work or school. Now, I work with colleagues in an academic environment. They should be "my people" that I relate best to, but they really aren't. So where ARE my people these days? Maybe I won't find them. And, like Anvilhead, I don't want to have to endure endless meaningless small talk just to find I can't relate to anyone! Maybe it's best to focus on keeping myself company. I can take myself to the movies, or to the coffee shop, or on a pretty hike. I can, and I have. But, I do know it's more fun to share that with a close friend...

Ok, done with my late night ramblings now.
Thanks for sharing all your thoughts with me. I have a lot more thinking to do...

Fathom