TerpGal

RAH has lots of friends (all of whom he stopped communicating with enotrely over the course of his disease) and has made lots of new friends at rehab and already some in AA. When he is not drinking he can just approach anyone and start a conversation.

Not me. I am afraid to talk to people and have almost no friends. I had problems making friends even as a child-I was very shy and was bullied mercilessly. My only friends in elementary school were my cousin and an older peer who sexually abused me. I had a group in high school but I never felt like I belonged and have since lost touch. I had friends in college too, but I "paid" for them as I was in a sorority. I never felt I really fit in there either........that they were all "better" than me, but I played the part of super sorority sister very well. The "friends" I have "made" as an adult I was introduced to by RAH. The only friends I made on my own were my bed and another friend from high school who doesn't even live around here anymore.

I am going to need things to do outside of the house from now on, away from him. But how are you supposed to do that with no friends? I am afraid to approach people for Tue fear of rejection or that one day, any time from now, they will hurt me. I expect that. People hurt me. That's just what they do. How sad. A 34 year old woman can't make friends and implicitly trusts no one.

PinkCloudsCharley

I have problems making friends too. I am an introvert who has been too scared someone will discover my "secret" - an ah who is verbally abusive when he drinks. I also find i don't have time when I have to work full time and take care of the kids and find a moment here and there for basic hygiene like showers.

I am trying to be patient with myself and smile at everyone. I don't need a best friend overnight. I can allow relationships to develop slowly and pick and choose who i like. It might take a while, it might take a year or more to find a great friend. That's ok. It'll be worth it.

PinkCloudsCharley

Terp, too bad you didn't live closer. I'd be your friend, i think we would understand each other quite a bit.

lonelynn

I can relate...your post could have come from my mouth nearly verbatim except for a couple of details...I have begun to force myself to get out and talk to people. My RAH is also very charismatic and charming with a draw that people like, but I'm awkward and never know what to say. He tells me that my personality is endearing, though...I have also been compared to Jess on New Girl because of how awkward I am. It is embarrassing to me, but since I've started to force myself out of my shell, I've found that, while it takes me awhile to connect with others, they don't mind my "quirks". It's hard, but it can be done.

Stung

Through my kids and through organized events.

You know what's funny? I always talk about RAH being so charismatic. People just LOVE him. I think I have the same effect on people too but I doubt myself a LOT. The less I doubt myself the more I find that I'm talking to people and they're talking to me.

I'm trying to push myself out of roles (mother, wife, etc.) and into doing things that are just for Stung. I'm starting acting classes soon - I bought them via Groupon for cheap - which will be a great way to meet people that are way outside of my mommy friends or my childhood dysfunctional friends and totally different from my al-anon friends.

I also use Meetup.com and there are groups that I'm a member on there that meet up for mostly free events. Most of my groups are kid focused but there are lots of groups for almost any hobby that you can imagine.

Groupon and Living Social always seem to have activities or hobby experiences for pretty cheap.

Also, after my al-anon home group meeting there are always a group of ladies that get together for coffee afterwards. Maybe you could suggest that at your next meeting. This time of year seems to bring lots of harvest and holiday types of festivals too.

Santa

I'm an introvert too. I say don't rush it. Some ideas -
Go to the dog park and sit and enjoy people's dogs running up to you (it's not weird, there are people who come to my local dog park who love dogs and can't have one right now). Everybody loves to be asked about their dog.
Go to Borders and sit in the coffee area and nurse a cup of coffee for an hour. Ask someone at the next table what they're reading.
Join a book group, there are probably signs up at your local library.

That's not an overnight group of friends, but the first thing is just to start talking to people outside your job and your house. Also meetup.com is a great idea as mentioned above.

Fathom

Hey, and hugs. I just posted something very similar. Right now I'm sitting in a coffee shop, not making eye contact with anyone. But, I'm here! Step one, I guess...

Just wanted you to know you're not alone. It feels awkward, but I'm hoping it gets easier with time.

Peace,
Fathom

stella27

I moved to a new city one year ago. I have met people through my children's activities and school. I have met some people through my work. I have friends from church, but they are mostly older than I am. I'm mid 40's, they are mid-sixties.

None of these relationships are really the kind that I can call to just hang out because they are all tied into families, and I am divorced and as such, kind of single every other weekend when my kids are with their dad.

I, too, and struggling with going places by myself in the interest of just getting out. I love my neighborhood coffee shop, library, bookstore. I am thinking of starting some yoga classes or joining a running group.

I definitely need to get hooked in with more people.

lillamy

Well, friend, I feel your pain there. I meet people through my kids -- but I'm an old mom, so my kids' parents often think I'm grandma, not mom. I often don't have much in common with people in their 30s who get a babysitter and go clubbing on weekends. I've also moved to a very much blue-collar town, and I'm very much a white-collar worker -- but I can't relate to my snooty coworkers (I'm not the country club type; I don't play golf; I don't care to go to fancy bars and have cocktails).

I honestly don't have many friends where I live. I hang out with my family. I spend a lot of time gardening. I've always been extroverted, but I find that this time to contemplate and heal is good for me. I go to Al-Anon but haven't connected with people there either, and I have no time for "hobbies"...

I'm telling you this because of course, if you miss friends and want friends, it's a problem to not have any. But I wanted to say -- there's nothing wrong with being on your own, working through your issues, and taking care of yourself during a season of your life. (((hugs)))

TerpGal

So I talked to my sponsor about this issue and she (lovingly of course) set me straight. She reminded me of how I said I didn't like myself in my share last Monday. She gently reminded me that I can't know what others are thinking and feeling, and just maybe I was projecting my feelings of not liking myself onto other people. She said, " to make a friend you have a be a friend". Which means I have to put myself out there. My therapist has told me this too, Except in therapist speak, is reality testing. And the only way to do that is to have experiences. That scares the **** out of me. The whole being vulnerablity thing. Because undoubtedly, there WILL be people who don't like me. That's just a fact, but maybe it's not EVERYONE.

KidsR#1

What is that you like to do? Or that you used to do, maybe even before you knew AH, that you miss? Or is there something you always wanted to do but never did for whatever reason. Start with there. Make a list.

When I was growing up in HS I was so shy. Never asked to prom, go on dates, etc. Sometimes teased, but when I went away to college I knew I wanted to be someone different. I looked at it as an opportunity to re-event myself so I got involved in different groups and organizations and volunteering til I found stuff that I liked and made friends. Same with when I moved to my AH's home town. I knew no one but his parents and brother. Didn't have a job right away either. I became a regular at things like bingo and auctions and I met people. I got involved with relay for life and habitat for humanity and grew friendships from that as well.

Like others have said, you have to be willing to put yourself out there to meet people. Smile and say hi to people and you never know what that could lead to

bringiton

This is exactly my situation right now! My RAH arms I had an argument about it even. Her was giving me a hard time because he doesn't think I'm trying hard enough. I suggested he go out and make friends that are NOT in AA. I think that would remind him how difficult it can be. Before he was in recovery neither of us had too friends left anymore. I guess my point you are so not alone! I have signed up for a class. I'm nervous to go alone but I think it will be a big necessary step for me. It's hard to get our of our comfort zones especially after everything we have been through. I know that I'm still trying to rebuild my confidence and self worth.

honeypig

Something you might try is Meetups. If you google "meetup", you'll get the home page. What meetups are, are just informal groups of people w/similar interests who do various activities. The groups are generally free or very inexpensive to join (I paid $5 for a year's membership to a hiking group).

You can find any interest you can imagine there! You can go to each group's section, view their calendar to see what activities they've done in the past and have planned in the future, see how many members and who they are, and find what area they're based in.

For me, it was a nice introduction to being back "in the world" after a lot of work-from-home and A-induced isolation. Since the activities are groups, you can hang back a bit if you're more shy and kind of scope things out, then decide who you'd like to talk to more.

I'd highly recommend giving this a try. It's a pretty easy way to get out and about w/o spending a bunch of money or putting a lot of pressure on yourself.

I'd also like to echo what lillamy said--there is nothing wrong w/spending time alone, spending energy on yourself and your own issues, for a season of your life. If you feel a lack in your life by not having friends, then definitely try some of the suggestions here. If you are only looking at getting a social life b/c it seems you "should", maybe you truly aren't ready yet. You can take your time, as much as you need.

Mrrryah1

Have you tried al-anon?

Search4Serenity

I also could've written this. I am super introverted and I'm honestly kind of a homebody--so going out can be very hard for me. Being an introvert who works with the public--I have lots of intense communications with students--and I'm on the reference desk, meaning anyone can ask me anything at any time (and take it out on me if we don't own something...lol) for most of the time I'm at work. So once I'm out of there, I'm feeling pretty closed up and my energy depleted.

Of course, I've never done that well with friends anyway--which is something that makes me pretty sad at times. I was the queen band geek and somewhat of an outcast in high school, I mostly only had friends in band. I was in a drum and bugle corps during high school (for anybody who has *any* idea what that is)--which I still feel like it should've been the "answer" to my friend issues--but ended up struggling socially there too--to an extreme. Then in college in the mid-90s, I decided I needed to be a hardcore goth kid (before being goth or "emo" was cool) and that definitely didn't help me make any friends...lol.

I have no answer for this--but I do know that I kind of impose some of this on myself and as some others have mentioned--I think I tend to project my weird "not good enough" ideas onto other people and assume that I know what they're thinking when in fact I don't.

I am able to function in all sorts of public interactions for work--I've spoken at a national conference, I teach classes all the time, I work with people all the time, I get lots of comments from student and faculty about how "great" or "nice" I am--and people just stop in to say hi to me--and somehow I still "read" their minds and assume strangers won't like me. For me, it's more than just knowing something intellectually--which makes me a little crazy.

No advice, but I know where you're coming from.

TerpGal

The only thing left I know I liked from HS was LARPing, using World Of Darkness or Minds Eye Theatre. There aren't many WOD LARPs anymore and the books are out of print.

heartcore

Believe it or not there is a young larp group that meets in a park near my house, dressed up in costume & pummeling each other with boffer swords, LOL. Things arrive in rural Alaska about a decade after they are retro everywhere else in the world...

Ps. I also work in a very public job & interact constantly at work. I find myself content being a homebody the rest of the time - doing yoga alone, reading, sitting in front of my fire thinking. I am making friends in AA & yes, in an odd way, here at SR. I started at AA last year, relapsed, & returned. It has taken this long and some initiative on my part to start getting to know them outside meetings. I waited about 6 months to get invited somewhere, & then realized that I could invite them. It was a big step for me, but now I meet sone of the women for coffee or food outside meetings, & I do the inviting at least half the time. I'm starting to understand that we're all socially awkward and all want to belong and all want to get texts inviting us places - even just to do errands & hang out. New territory, but I can explore it at my own pace, because I also feel very content being alone...