Kurapika

I have been mulling a lot of things over - the big thing this week has been setting boundaries. I honestly had no idea what I had been missing out on! Boundaries are the best new discovery. I still have a long way to go, but even realising that my previous way of dealing with relationships was unhealthy and seriously lacking in boundaries was somewhat liberating.

I think the scariest thing for us as co-dependants to come to terms with is following through with the consequences. What if my partner no longer wants to be with me when I put my foot down? What if I'm overreacting and being a b*tch? Who would want to be with someone who nags so much (these are a lot of my internal thought processes anyway, they still need to be worked on a lot).

I guess I had a moment where I realised that if I didn't set the boundaries and said nothing, I would continue living in hell. If I did, they may reject - and I live in hell (albeit for a very limited time) Or, and I really wasn't expecting this to happen (does anyone else here always prepare for the worst no matter what?) the boundaries are accepted.

I stated my boundaries to my partner on Thursday night. The consequences were very clear and I was absolutely prepared to follow through with them this time. I think it must have been my delivery or something - he listened respectfully, came up with suggestions as to how he could respect my wishes, discussed his own feelings. It was amazing. Suddenly, by being assertive (the very thing I thought would lead to our relationships demise) I was liberated, and the very fact that he was allowed to take it or leave it, seemed to get to him.

There were no "me or the drink" ultimatums, no anger. It was very simple.

We'll see how things go - at the moment we're seeing each other only on Wednesday and Saturday nights while I work through some more things, and I guess he can work through his stuff too if he wants to. We want to be together, but I'm really putting my foot down this time.

And even if it all goes down the drain, at least I've finally started to internalise a very important lesson.

honeypig

Good for you, Kurapika! It sounds like you've made some steps down the path of your own recovery.

Please do keep posting and tell us how you're doing and how things are working out w/the boundaries.

dandylion

Kurapika.....I think you touched on a key element for a majority of co-dependents----that the partner may no longer want to be with them...if they rock the boat by having boundaries.
The fear of being alone....a fear of abandonment....

The good news is that if one is willing to---these fears can be worked through and a person can leave the prison with invisable bars---living a life through somebody else.

Don't ever give up on yourself.....

dandylion