it's a new day
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
it's a new day
I am glad that the sun is shining and I feel better than I have for weeks. My BF left for rehab on Thursday (finally!) after a month of waffling about going to inpatient or IOP, drinking occasionally, and just being almost impossible to tolerate. What's sad is that his sober behavior is not really that different from his drunk behavior. He had stopped taking off and ignoring me when drinking, but the other night he did it sober. SOBER. This is even worse IMO because when one is drunk they are not rational or thinking clearly, but when sober it's easier to be conscious of other people's feelings. Apparently it is not.
My grandfather died last week and we had the viewing/funeral on Monday and Tuesday. I stayed over at a friend's house because it was closer and came home Tuesday afternoon. He was gone, biking and to a meeting, which is fine. I had been very ill, throwing up with a raging headache Monday night and Tuesday morning. I have also been having weird dizzy spells, so it scared me a lot (going to the doc Thursday about this). He knew this because we were texting a bit when I was gone. He wasn't with me because he can't deal with funerals and all that stuff, which I totally understand and respect, as his mom died of cancer when he was 11. Personally, I hate it too and wouldn't have been there but I needed to support my dad and honor my grandfather. I had my friends and family around me, so his absence was not a problem.
What was a problem is that the evening I got home feeling sad and sick, he did not return. He ended up going to an emergency mental health crisis center, which is great, but he did not bother calling or texting me.
He texted me in the morning and told me that's where he was. I didn't reply. When he came home I told him that all I wanted was someone to be here with me when I got home and that I might as well be alone because I WAS alone when I needed him. He didn't even call to see how I was doing on Monday or Tuesday. He apologized for being an unavailable partner, and I know he means it. He is just plain not capable of giving in that way right now.
I was sad for a couple of days but I realize it's not the end of the world. He's gone for 30 days and I feel like I can really concentrate on getting my **** together again. I have worked on my recovery for years and years and will continue to move forward. He is just not at the same point in life that I am. I am not sure what the future holds but I HAVE to put myself first. I know is the right thing to do, and really the only thing I can do. His problems are not mine. Right now I am focusing on me and will deal with "us" when the time comes.
Thanks for listening.
My grandfather died last week and we had the viewing/funeral on Monday and Tuesday. I stayed over at a friend's house because it was closer and came home Tuesday afternoon. He was gone, biking and to a meeting, which is fine. I had been very ill, throwing up with a raging headache Monday night and Tuesday morning. I have also been having weird dizzy spells, so it scared me a lot (going to the doc Thursday about this). He knew this because we were texting a bit when I was gone. He wasn't with me because he can't deal with funerals and all that stuff, which I totally understand and respect, as his mom died of cancer when he was 11. Personally, I hate it too and wouldn't have been there but I needed to support my dad and honor my grandfather. I had my friends and family around me, so his absence was not a problem.
What was a problem is that the evening I got home feeling sad and sick, he did not return. He ended up going to an emergency mental health crisis center, which is great, but he did not bother calling or texting me.
He texted me in the morning and told me that's where he was. I didn't reply. When he came home I told him that all I wanted was someone to be here with me when I got home and that I might as well be alone because I WAS alone when I needed him. He didn't even call to see how I was doing on Monday or Tuesday. He apologized for being an unavailable partner, and I know he means it. He is just plain not capable of giving in that way right now.
I was sad for a couple of days but I realize it's not the end of the world. He's gone for 30 days and I feel like I can really concentrate on getting my **** together again. I have worked on my recovery for years and years and will continue to move forward. He is just not at the same point in life that I am. I am not sure what the future holds but I HAVE to put myself first. I know is the right thing to do, and really the only thing I can do. His problems are not mine. Right now I am focusing on me and will deal with "us" when the time comes.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I thought you dumped your BF last month? I remember you had posted about him disappearing AGAIN and not telling you anything....he continues this disrespect both drunk and sober. you've posted about this childish behavior at least 6-8 times it occurred.
I am sorry for your grandfather's passing...
you don't have to tolerate his excuses....believe his actions.
I am sorry for your grandfather's passing...
you don't have to tolerate his excuses....believe his actions.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
I know it's not good, but I keep going back and forth on it. I am hoping to get more clarity and resolve as I spend the next month by myself, taking care of myself. This has happened more than 6-8 times. More like countless times. Progress was made, and then he went back to the same old thing. Things need to change and the only changes I can make start with me.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
(((readerbaby)))).
I am sorry for the loss of your grandfather and for the lack of support from your BF; sounds as if the next 30 days might good for you as you won't expect him to be there - a break from the uncertainty and disappointment.
I am sorry for the loss of your grandfather and for the lack of support from your BF; sounds as if the next 30 days might good for you as you won't expect him to be there - a break from the uncertainty and disappointment.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I'm sorry RB, drunk or sober he is full of baloney and excuses....You don't HAVE to accept this poor treatment....I remember over the summer you posted about him not contacting you and you waited ALL NIGHT....he KNOWS you will put up with it.
He was supposed to "support" you while you started your new business, now it is vice versa.....didn't he run off to Vegas one time and you actually went and brought him home cos he was broke? (excuse me if this is not you, I can't remember everything correctly sometimes)
I know you care about him, but his actions show that he does not care about you....you seem more like his mama than his equal.
I hope you can take a step back and realize that you have so many better choices in YOUR life than this person who just takes and takes. he can't "deal with funerals" even to support you???? ugh, why bother with this selfish person? he's not capable of dealing with anything, a 12 year old can deal with. he's immature.
He was supposed to "support" you while you started your new business, now it is vice versa.....didn't he run off to Vegas one time and you actually went and brought him home cos he was broke? (excuse me if this is not you, I can't remember everything correctly sometimes)
I know you care about him, but his actions show that he does not care about you....you seem more like his mama than his equal.
I hope you can take a step back and realize that you have so many better choices in YOUR life than this person who just takes and takes. he can't "deal with funerals" even to support you???? ugh, why bother with this selfish person? he's not capable of dealing with anything, a 12 year old can deal with. he's immature.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
readerbaby....have you ever considered to live separately from him?
Even if he comes back after rehab....the reality is that early sobriety is a very rocky time for most everyone....the alcoholic and the partner, as well.
Both partners need a LOT of space to work intensely on themselves.
Personally, I think there should be a law that they live separately for a year (with little contact)....LOL!
Really, the work on yourself is just as important as any work he has to do. Cause, afterall...your happiness depends on YOU....not him....
dandylion
Even if he comes back after rehab....the reality is that early sobriety is a very rocky time for most everyone....the alcoholic and the partner, as well.
Both partners need a LOT of space to work intensely on themselves.
Personally, I think there should be a law that they live separately for a year (with little contact)....LOL!
Really, the work on yourself is just as important as any work he has to do. Cause, afterall...your happiness depends on YOU....not him....
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
I also think we should live separately. It would be best for both of us. When I go to the rehab or have a conference call with him and his counselor I am going to bring it up. We've talked about it before but it never happened. I know I have to get over it, but thinking about him moving out sparks a deep reaction of fear of losing him in me. Logically I know this part of life regardless of whether it's through a breakup or death or whatever. It is just so hard for me to let go. I hate it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
readerbaby....no doubt..you WOULD have some period of separation anxiety. But....remember the saying: short-term pain for long-term gain.
Most people would probably say that the separation anxiety would be easier than the stress of living with an alcoholic in early recovery....uggh!
dandylion
Most people would probably say that the separation anxiety would be easier than the stress of living with an alcoholic in early recovery....uggh!
dandylion
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