help me
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: london
Posts: 33
Hopelessly I hope that you know that whatever he blames you for is not your fault. It's easy for someone to blame you so they don't have to take responsibility for their own behaviour - that way they can justify it. Don't listen and don't take in keep strong. Sending hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Over here
Posts: 27
I think it's because it is easier for them not to take any responsibilities for their actions and feel the emotions that goes with what they have done. My exA was cheating and I got a text at 4:00 in the morning from his gf to leave him alone. She and I ended up finding out all the lies and he called me a backstabber and that I'm the bad one.
Just know that they are A, they lie, manipulate, deceive, and con all in the name of drinking, their one and only true love.
You have to focus on your recovery. Have you tried Al-anon and/or therapy? I know those really help me. My A broke me so bad that I was starting to think that it was all my fault. I know it's not my fault just like it is not all your fault.
Hug and I hope you find wisdom and strength to do what is best for you. You deserve to be happy and not hurt and broken down. Keep posting here and listen to the wisdom that everyone who has been through it. Some of what they say isn't easy to hear but it is the truth and is said out of caring and love.
Just know that they are A, they lie, manipulate, deceive, and con all in the name of drinking, their one and only true love.
You have to focus on your recovery. Have you tried Al-anon and/or therapy? I know those really help me. My A broke me so bad that I was starting to think that it was all my fault. I know it's not my fault just like it is not all your fault.
Hug and I hope you find wisdom and strength to do what is best for you. You deserve to be happy and not hurt and broken down. Keep posting here and listen to the wisdom that everyone who has been through it. Some of what they say isn't easy to hear but it is the truth and is said out of caring and love.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
'Cause it's what they do.
Hopelessly, are you actually falling for it when he your A blames you?
I see that you're new to the forum. Welcome. This is a great place to get support and knowledge. You ask one of the fundamental questions:" Why does my A do what they do?" If you haven't already, you may want to check out the stickies at the top of the forum page. They're full of a lot of great info. I think there may even be one that addresses this very issue.
I agree with Lovenlies, check out Alanon, and maybe therapy as well. You've got questions. There are answers out there for you, and lots of support.
There are so many here who have been through the confusion of life with an addict. Many are recovering addicts themselves. So we know how you feel. It's not easy. I for one think it's impossible without support. I'm glad you're here. (((( hugs )))))
Hopelessly, are you actually falling for it when he your A blames you?
I see that you're new to the forum. Welcome. This is a great place to get support and knowledge. You ask one of the fundamental questions:" Why does my A do what they do?" If you haven't already, you may want to check out the stickies at the top of the forum page. They're full of a lot of great info. I think there may even be one that addresses this very issue.
I agree with Lovenlies, check out Alanon, and maybe therapy as well. You've got questions. There are answers out there for you, and lots of support.
There are so many here who have been through the confusion of life with an addict. Many are recovering addicts themselves. So we know how you feel. It's not easy. I for one think it's impossible without support. I'm glad you're here. (((( hugs )))))
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Fully understand.
My version of your question went like this:
Hammer (to Alanon Group): (sniffling) "What . . . what do you do . . . when (choking, sniffle) they say it is your fault?"
Roomful of All Women (except for me) Alanon: "HHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!"
[they all just kept laughing and laughing -- the whole room]
Finally one noticed I was about ready to start crying.
She said: OH, HONEY! WE HAVE ALL HEARD THAT!!!
and they all went back to laughing.
I looked around and started smiling a little, too.
And after a while -- I learned to laugh.
Things started getting better after that.
So . . . . here is the Real Deal . . .
OH, HONEY! WE HAVE ALL HEARD THAT!!!
My version of your question went like this:
Hammer (to Alanon Group): (sniffling) "What . . . what do you do . . . when (choking, sniffle) they say it is your fault?"
Roomful of All Women (except for me) Alanon: "HHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!"
[they all just kept laughing and laughing -- the whole room]
Finally one noticed I was about ready to start crying.
She said: OH, HONEY! WE HAVE ALL HEARD THAT!!!
and they all went back to laughing.
I looked around and started smiling a little, too.
And after a while -- I learned to laugh.
Things started getting better after that.
So . . . . here is the Real Deal . . .
OH, HONEY! WE HAVE ALL HEARD THAT!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
If you are making him drink, you could make him stop drinking. I blamed myself for YEARS until I really understood that one.
He blames you because he hates himself. He blames you because he is protecting his addiction. He blames you because if he blamed himself, he'd have to admit he cannot deal with his own feelings.
He blames you because he hates himself. He blames you because he is protecting his addiction. He blames you because if he blamed himself, he'd have to admit he cannot deal with his own feelings.
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