Luper

I am early into my own recovery (25 days) and have a friend that is addicted to pain meds and xanax. Of course, she denies the fact that she is addicted.

I have been working on the underlying issues I have and learning more about myself in the last 25 days. Some things I am starting to like about myself, most things I hate. So it is not an easy road, as many know.

When I was in rehab a year ago, they told me I was codependent. I laughed..I mean, really - me? No way. Ha! I never really understood it I guess. I have read so much on here about it and have done some research, and guess what...yup, I am sooooooooooo codependent!

Thus, my issue with my friend. I guess we continued to tolerate each other because I was usually so screwed up on booze that I never really cared. But now, while working on myself finally, I am finding it very hard to deal with her. Yesterday, she called me 15 times........ thank God for caller ID. I spoke with her once and told her I would call her when I was ready to talk. She just keeps calling. If I don't answer, she threatens to come out to my house, which is a huge stress trigger for me.

My brother was an alcoholic, so I have been to Al-Anon. I can recognize the addictive behavior because I did the same thing as well with my alcoholism. I just don't know how to back away from this situation. I do care about her, but I can't fix it. She will plead with me, telling me she needs me. She doesn't want help with her addiction, just life in general.

Sorry, this is just more than I think I can deal with right now if I am going to stay sober. For the first time I am seeing things clearly and care more about my sobriety than anything. Sorry if that sounds selfish, but after 15 years of heavy drinking, I am done with that.

Any advice would be appreciated. I have read what many of you go through and know you understand. I don't want to be mean to her, and I really hate confrontation, but I think I need to find a way to make her back off.

Sorry this is long. If you read it, thanks.

Butterfly

Welcome to SR and congratulations on 25 days sobriety. Your first priority needs to be your sobriety and trying to deal with someone else's issues may be enough to trigger a return to your addiction. It is not selfish to not feel you can deal with what is going on for her right now and even if she was choosing to recognise her addiction and seek help you may not the right person to support her, please don't take that the wrong way but you are very early days in your own recovery and you can't support others. You must focus on you and do what is right for you and what won't trigger you.

Does she know your in recovery, you could try to explain to her that it's very difficult for you to cope with anything else right now, be honest and tell her you need to focus on yourself and that you can't be her support for daily struggles that you need people who will support you. If she is a genuine friend she will understand and want to support you.

Sorry I can't be off more help I wish you all the best in your own recovery and hope you keep seeking support for yourself

CodeJob

Luper, good job on you.

Good job recognizing you might have a bit of Codie behavior too! Being aware of it is an excellent step. Choosing to just take one call from denial friend is good too!

Luper

Yes, she does know I am in early recovery, but I think she is just so messed up that she doesn't focus.

Anyway...guess I will just help her out once again like I always do. Don't want to deal with guilt of not helping someone who is asking...

Thanks

CodeJob

Luper, are you trying to win the Saturday codependent crown? I am lying on the couch while RAH cleans the house, so I am perturbed you are giving in to your old behavior much too quickly. lmaolmao

readerbaby71

The guilt will fade. If you relapse because of the stress you will feel much, much worse. Maybe gently tell her that you are very emotionally fragile as you are new to recovery and have to protect your sobriety. You don't have the energy to support her right now. It's time to put YOU first. Standing up for yourself in this situation is a huge step to overcoming your codependency. Trust me on this. I am codependent and an addict too. Relationships with needy addicts can and do affect our sobriety if we let them. Please don't let that happen to you.

Sending you hugs. xoxo

SeriousKarma

YAY!!!! You get HUGE points for putting your sobriety first. Unfortunately, you apologized for it.... twice! Definite codie behavior there. I'm going to have to deduct a few points, but you've still got points on the board. All in all you doing exactly what you should do. Good for you.

I heard it said somewhere that, when in recovery, one should prioritize like this:
1) Their Sobriety
2) Their Higher Power
3) Their Sponsor

If we continue that list for you, I would put:
4) the cute little doggy in your avatar
5)Friends and Family who are good for your recovery.

That means realistically speaking your other friend should come in no higher than 6 on the list. Not very high.

Good luck to you. There are a lot of people here at SR that have walked in your shoes. I'm sure they'll be able to give you great advice.

Luper

Well...now what?

I took your wonderful advice (thanks!) and politely asked her to give me some time and space right now. I told her I would call her when I felt ready to talk.

Sunday was quiet. Then yesterday, my voicemail is blowing up. She said she is just fine with "talking" to my voicemail, as it helps her to connect with me. omg.....

I don't know what to do without getting angry. I know she needs help with her addiction, but she doesn't. I would change my phone number, but I am looking for a job and that is the number they have. If I block her, she will show up at my house.

I can ignore the phone like I have been, but I guess it's pretty stupid to listen to the messages huh? It really triggers my anxiety.

Maybe I am just blowing this whole thing out of proportion? I feel bad about not being there for her, but it also feels really good to not deal with that right now.

What do I do now?

ShootingStar1

Here is something that is often said around here on Friends and Families of Alcoholics.

When the flight attendants give the safety instructions as the flight starts, they tell us to put our own oxygen mask on first before we help those around us get their masks on.

You are putting your oxygen mask on and it is just fine to keep it on. She doesn't want a mask, she just wants to flail around in the aisles making a big drama of how bad life is. She could put her own oxygen mask on at any moment if she chose to. She is not a child. She gets to make this choice.

And you get to choose to let her choose as she wants without interfering, feeling accountable, or feeling guilty. Or even listening if you don't want to.

Good for you for choosing health and sobriety. Hope you stick around here and post often with the rest of us on our journey toward solo life and away from co-dependence.

ShootingStar1