Need some perspective here please
 

So I met with a friend who has been dealing with her divorce and custody of her son for the last 10 years from a physically abusive husband about what I have to look forward to if I decided to divorce my AH. Apparently in my state, unless I can prove he is physically abusive to the kids (which he never has been or to me) then he is going to get 50% custody and I will not be permitted to move back home despite having a place to live rent me and a support system there. This is even if I can prove he is an alcoholic and even if the kids don't want to see him. This information has really put the wind out of my sail and I really feel discouraged at this point. If I stay, my kiddos will continue to deal with it but at least they have me there to shelter them from it as best I can. If I divorce him, they will be left to fend for themselves with someone who has proven he can't take care of himself alone and will make my oldest deal with the other 3. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. What am I supposed to do to protect my kids???:a043:

First of all, don't panic.

Second: Consult a lawyer. Because her situation might not be the same as your situation. I know many courts want to do the 50-50 split because they say it's in the kids' best interest - but it depends on your lawyer and also on what judge you end up with and of course all the details of your situation.

My thinking was exactly like yours. I was terrified of what would happen if the kids had to be with him half the time. And I won't lie to you, it was hard. But it all did work out in the end. And during the time they were with him part of the time, my therapist kept telling me that it is better for the kids to have one healthy home and one unhealthy than only an unhealthy home...

Don't give up yet.

I am going nuts today. Here I thought I was putting this great plan into place, taking the necessary steps to leave and be ok with the kids and to be told all this is so derailing of all the momentum I had going. I just want to curl up in a ball, pull the sheets over my head and cry.

Check with a lawyer. I can't stress that enough. I know there are states that don't allow you to leave the state, but don't make decisions until you have a solid answer from someone who knows the law. I know my first attorney wasn't as good as the second one, and I would never have gotten the results I got if I had stayed with #1.

I don't have any advice but I feel like I'm in the same place, worried about custody. I have to just make that call to my lawyer and keep documenting everything.

Some days I feel like I'm close to the finish line and other days it's like I haven't even started the race. Good luck. I understand the worries over custody/kids. Just keep being the healthiest parent you can be and talk to a lawyer.

I am researching lawyers and am close to choosing one to call here in the next week or so. I wasn't planning on leaving until after the kid's school year pending that an event doesn't require my emergency plan. The thought of having to stay where I am at with no support and loose my kids half the time is heartbreaking.

It sounds a little nuts but have you tried curling up and crying yet? Believe it or not a good hysterical baby fit can be very therapeutic. It gives you body a huge release and helps me think more clearly once it is over. After it helps me to write everything I'm thinking. Sometimes it's in a letter to AH tht I will never send. I keep them all though me reread them later.

Sending you hugs

Mischa

I know what you mean. I visited attorney today for the first time too. $5k retainer off the bat. Like a single working mother has that easily available! I feel like I will never be able to pay that. Ugh. I really understand why people lose it during these custody issues. Next kidnapping you see will be I AM THIRD escaping w DD6 because she cant stand the quacking!!!

So finally I just took a deep breath and realized I can only do so much. Dont overwhelm yourself, just make the best decisions you can under the circumstances you have. The process sucks I know. Right now cuz separated AH and I have no formal order in place he can pull out DD6 out of school and keep her all weekend if he wanted to. I have anxiety about that and then I just take a deep breath and breathe!!! Do not put the world on your shoulders as us codies tend to. I have had to put myself in check many times today.

We support you. Keep coming on here through your battle!!

You really need legal advice, not sharing your friend's experience. If you'd been told by a lawyer that this is what you'd be facing, that would be different.

If you can take on board 'One Day at a Time' and not terrify yourself over things which may or may not happen in the future, the present will be that much easier to manage. There have been times in my life where I just HAD to keep going, and just look ahead, and just deal with the things I could cope with at the time. If I'd pondered the 'What if's', I'd have been too paralysed by stress to be able to cope with anything at all - I can really relate to wanting to curl up and cry.

The way it felt, looking back, was a bit like walking right along the very edge of a cliff. I was fine if I just kept looking ahead, but if I looked down - it was going to be disastrous.

Find out precisely what options are open to you from a professional who can be completely detached. Friends who are traumatised and battered themselves are not going to be your best advisors.

(((HUGS)))

How about moving you and the kids while you are still married and before you file for divorce? You can establish residency then in another state.

Check with your lawyer.

ShootingStar1

I work for JDR & handle custody cases. I am not a lawyer. In my state 50/50 custody is legal custody. Meaning you both have equal say in medical/school etc decisions. All states favor this unless there is a reason for sole custody. Physical custody is where the children primarily live. Visitation is the time they spend with the other parent. 50/50 visitation is not realistic in most cases due to school & transportation. My ex & I do 50/50 visitation, but we live in the same neighborhood, he's a great dad & not an addict. Depending on the age of the children, they may have a say in what visitation they want or don't want. In cases like this, a GAL may be appointed to do a custody investigation. Trust me, I hear countless stories everyday of "my friend said..." Don't listen to your friend.

That's what my advice was going to be. I know a little about this issue. That seems to be what most custodial parents did was move, get the required residency for that state to file for divorce. CHECK WITH AN ATTORNEY BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING!! Good luck!