He is home
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
He is home
On the way home, I was super happy, was going to be a great day. As the day has worn on though, it is getting harder and harder.
It was VERY easy to have the resolve that, "It has to be all about me now and I cant worry about him". Well now that he is home ALL my codie crap is coming back with force. Staying on my side of the street is seeming more and more difficult and every little thing he says I have taken as a slight.
First, I worked my ASS off to have this house together before he got home. It was really bad and had to be done. The first thing he said when he walked in was "Whoa, it looks great, but" I know there was a thank you in there somewhere but I did not hear it AT ALL! Just thinking how UNGRATEFUL you are to have someone clean up part of your mess for you, and you have to throw a BUT in there. Then, he wants me to come to this reunion thing they have at the rehab they have every 3rd Sunday in Sept. First, my parents have invited me over to celebrate my birthday (which I really don't want him to come for anyway-relations between him and them are strained, and there will be alcohol there). Second, his sister will be there whom I just cannot be around due to her cruel texts to me when he first went in. Plus she is a terribly negative influence and I just do not need to be around people like that.
And that's all ok, but my brothers are coming next weekend to help take our old couch out and bring over the couch from my grandparents which I inherited. And he says, "Ill make myself scarce when they get here." Because he is embarrassed. I get that but it bothers me that he so expects me to go to this event when his sister is going to be there.
And THEN I told him I was going outside to call my sponsor, and he was like, "Well tell her.........well I guess don't tell her anything from me, I don't know her. Im happy she makes you happy but I don't know that insert bad word that starts with a b" It was totally jesting but it really bothered me. I went outside and couldn't get a hold of her. I just cried. I wanted to come back in here I wanted to rip him a new one but I was able to hold it together and say, "When I hear x, I feel y" The good old "I" statement. And he apologized and thanked me for bringing it up. It doesn't make it any easier. And I still am feeling hurt. Venting here makes me feel better.
This is going to suck.
It was VERY easy to have the resolve that, "It has to be all about me now and I cant worry about him". Well now that he is home ALL my codie crap is coming back with force. Staying on my side of the street is seeming more and more difficult and every little thing he says I have taken as a slight.
First, I worked my ASS off to have this house together before he got home. It was really bad and had to be done. The first thing he said when he walked in was "Whoa, it looks great, but" I know there was a thank you in there somewhere but I did not hear it AT ALL! Just thinking how UNGRATEFUL you are to have someone clean up part of your mess for you, and you have to throw a BUT in there. Then, he wants me to come to this reunion thing they have at the rehab they have every 3rd Sunday in Sept. First, my parents have invited me over to celebrate my birthday (which I really don't want him to come for anyway-relations between him and them are strained, and there will be alcohol there). Second, his sister will be there whom I just cannot be around due to her cruel texts to me when he first went in. Plus she is a terribly negative influence and I just do not need to be around people like that.
And that's all ok, but my brothers are coming next weekend to help take our old couch out and bring over the couch from my grandparents which I inherited. And he says, "Ill make myself scarce when they get here." Because he is embarrassed. I get that but it bothers me that he so expects me to go to this event when his sister is going to be there.
And THEN I told him I was going outside to call my sponsor, and he was like, "Well tell her.........well I guess don't tell her anything from me, I don't know her. Im happy she makes you happy but I don't know that insert bad word that starts with a b" It was totally jesting but it really bothered me. I went outside and couldn't get a hold of her. I just cried. I wanted to come back in here I wanted to rip him a new one but I was able to hold it together and say, "When I hear x, I feel y" The good old "I" statement. And he apologized and thanked me for bringing it up. It doesn't make it any easier. And I still am feeling hurt. Venting here makes me feel better.
This is going to suck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Hang in there, you. If he stays the course, and you stay with him - it sounds like you have a rough 6 months to a year ahead of you. That is OK - everyone has rough years, and you've about made it through day 1.
1 - badass on your house work! I bet to some extent, it was therapeutic to work hard, and really, the sense of peace sitting in a fresh clean home is AWESOME.
2 - When everything he says is ...umm...pokie towards ya, and his side of the street looks easier to work on than yours, i've learned (thanks to this place) it's OK to say "I need some time to myself right now." Take a drive, lock away in a different room with a good book, meet a friend for coffee. Anything to redirect to happy, taking care of yourself mode.
3 - You don't have to go to his reunion. It happens every month. You can support him in other ways, go to the next one, whatever. You do what you want to do - IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY for heavens sake. Have fun with your family - and leave him home if him being there won't be fun!
4 - your feelings are valid, about your birthday, about his and your family, about getting a "but" when you deserve kudos - ALL VALID. Feel them, and let em go - Just take care of yourself!
That all sounded bossy - i need to do these things too, so maybe i'm telling you because I need to hear it
Hugs, and have a great birthday weekend!
1 - badass on your house work! I bet to some extent, it was therapeutic to work hard, and really, the sense of peace sitting in a fresh clean home is AWESOME.
2 - When everything he says is ...umm...pokie towards ya, and his side of the street looks easier to work on than yours, i've learned (thanks to this place) it's OK to say "I need some time to myself right now." Take a drive, lock away in a different room with a good book, meet a friend for coffee. Anything to redirect to happy, taking care of yourself mode.
3 - You don't have to go to his reunion. It happens every month. You can support him in other ways, go to the next one, whatever. You do what you want to do - IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY for heavens sake. Have fun with your family - and leave him home if him being there won't be fun!
4 - your feelings are valid, about your birthday, about his and your family, about getting a "but" when you deserve kudos - ALL VALID. Feel them, and let em go - Just take care of yourself!
That all sounded bossy - i need to do these things too, so maybe i'm telling you because I need to hear it
Hugs, and have a great birthday weekend!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Early recovery sucks for everyone involved. You are under no obligation to go to the rehab event. If you'd rather celebrate your birthday go to your parents'. No one says you must be joined at the hip.
Good job on telling him how you feel with an "I" statement! Sorry you're feeling down. Hang in there and take care of yourself. xoxo
Good job on telling him how you feel with an "I" statement! Sorry you're feeling down. Hang in there and take care of yourself. xoxo
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
Early recovery is, ummm, hard on everyone. I was not a nice person AT ALL. Actually I became meaner and nastier than I was while drinking 'cause I didn't have my sedative. Not that this will make you feel any better but I DID finally become nicer, more patient, and came back to the land of the living but I'd say it took a solid three months. Hang in there!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
My husband came home from rehab on Monday, so I feel your pain. I did a lot of house stuff while he was gone too and received pretty much no acknowledgment from him about any of it, but at the end of the day I did the work for me and my kids - not for him.
What I have learned this week: expect nothing. I told my sponsor today that having a spouse go to rehab is like taking your car in to have the breaks fixed and expecting to have a brand new car when it's done being serviced. Nope. Same car, the breaks just don't squeak anymore. In my case, my husband isn't drinking anymore but he is codependent like crazy and keeps telling me what to do. Thankfully we start marriage therapy next week.
This afternoon, RAH asked if I had an opinion about him going to a second AA meeting this evening with one of his sober friends. I told him I have an opinion about EVERYTHING. LOL A big part of early recovery, for both sides, (at least in my opinion) is tempering expectations and learning how to communicate.
High five! That is the hardest part for me. It's like going against my instincts.
What I have learned this week: expect nothing. I told my sponsor today that having a spouse go to rehab is like taking your car in to have the breaks fixed and expecting to have a brand new car when it's done being serviced. Nope. Same car, the breaks just don't squeak anymore. In my case, my husband isn't drinking anymore but he is codependent like crazy and keeps telling me what to do. Thankfully we start marriage therapy next week.
This afternoon, RAH asked if I had an opinion about him going to a second AA meeting this evening with one of his sober friends. I told him I have an opinion about EVERYTHING. LOL A big part of early recovery, for both sides, (at least in my opinion) is tempering expectations and learning how to communicate.
I wanted to come back in here I wanted to rip him a new one but I was able to hold it together
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
So I straight up told him I was not going to the reunion, if he wants to he can go. I need to be with my own church family and MY family to celebrate my birthday, which is next Friday that I have to work on. BOOOOO I HATE working on my birthday. He was ok with it. Said he could tell I don't want to go and he is fine with it.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Originally Posted by TerpGal 
It was insanely hard to finally stand up and say what *I* wanted and mean it. It feels totally against everything I ever thought I knew about myself
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
It is hard!!! Be proud that you went outside your comfort zone and said what you really felt/wanted though - and what do you know - it was fine!!!!
How much nicer is this than doing what you don't want and having resentments that leak out into unrelated interactions? That is what I used to do and it is toxic.
How much nicer is this than doing what you don't want and having resentments that leak out into unrelated interactions? That is what I used to do and it is toxic.
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