horriblethisis

I'm so sad today. I am getting ready for a wonderful, happy and loving weekend with my ABF. He tries so hard to make me happy. He is a great guy. He's not a jerk. We have plans this weekend from dinner, to a football game, to watching the sunrise. I love him, I really do. However, I know I am causing my own agony within my own mind because I know that this relationship is going to be a crushing blow to me when ends (again). I am the cause of my own anxiety!! I can't get out. I simply just don't know how...and I would be devastated because I love him, I really, really do. But I know in the end I am not going to stay. I set boundaries with him one month ago, whereas, he wasn't going to drink hard liquor during the evening when he's home by himself, and he has done that, he has done what I asked!!!! But I know when I go to his house tonight I will find something else that has replaced the scotch...perhaps empty wine bottles and empty beer cans. I deserve so much better than this, but I can't find my way out...therapy, alanon, books on being a codie...nothing.
He's Irish, has always been around alcohol. He grew up with it, and hasn't stopped. Is that his fault? He is never a jerk to me when his drinks ... he's always so loving to me, no matter what. Why can't my heart meet my mind?
Am I going to be one of those people who is going to accept this behavior, and live happily ever after...NOT. I don't want to break up with him. (Again), as I don't want to hurt him. I know he is hurting me though. I can't find my way through the maze...i don't know how to get out and not feel like I will regret it for all the days of my life. I don't know what to do. I am so sad, but must be happy soon...you see...I am going out with my ABF (my love) tonight. He will be romantic, kind and loving to me...then he will drink, maybe a little, maybe a lot...who knows.

lillamy

What does "I love him" mean to you?

That's where I would start.

Santa

You really need to get your head out of the fairy tales.

marie1960

We do what we do, until we choose to not to do it.

It's all you sweets,

thinking you got lots of figuring out to do for yourself.

NYCDoglvr

What I learned in Alanon is there's a difference between love and need. I didn't trust or respect him so it's hard to say I really loved him. We codependents view relationships through the prism denial and rationalization. But I sure needed him! I recommend Alanon, where I found the loving support to slowly have the life I really wanted, without an alcoholic.

dandylion

Horriblethisis.......One leaves the relationship when the pain of staying becomes greater than the fear of leaving.....

(this is how the catapillar decides to leave the cocoon to become the butterfly. (the cocoon gets too tight and the catapillar longs to fly soooo bad!!!!)

dandylion

ladyscribbler

Making house rules for him to follow when he's in his own home by himself is not setting a boundary, it's an attempt to control his behavior.
I did a lot of that when I was with my ex. Tried to make him do x or not do y. It made me nuts and was just a setup to be disappointed by my own unrealistic expectations. My ex is a grown man, I had no business trying to control his behavior that way.
Seconding the Alanon recommendation. Working the program has helped me immensely. I have realized that until I am healthy I am not going to have a healthy relationship.

EmmyG

That was such a huge part of it for me, stopping the controlling behavior. It was awful trying to control him. I hated the way that anxiety made me feel. It was painful. I feel SO free now. What he does is on him, both the good and the bad.