Blossom717

Is he trying to wear me down? Each "visit" dd has with xabf gets harder and harder for me to sit through. It takes everything in me not to grab her and leave.

Last night we met at the mall. He wanted to take her to this "circus playhouse" place there that has indoor bounce house type stuff. While she was eating dinner (that I bought her...just throwing that out there), he asked me why didn't I go to church sunday. Excuse me? Hes never been there. I asked him how would he know and he said he "has people that tell him things" and laughed at me.

I didn't have the gas to drive over an hour to church Sunday so I didn't go. The neighbor goes there too, or did then stopped going. After I left she started going again, and I had a feeling its to keep tabs for xabf. (I know she is in a money crisis she doesn't want her husband to know about, and if xabf got dd the neighbor would end up watching her which means money in her pocket. )

He lied about who told him, and I confirmed that the neighbor is told him. So it looks like I have to find a different church.

Its not like I have anything to hide, but I don't like the fact that he can see everything I do. I'm not even allowed back on the property but since his parents own the house mom rents and Im living in, they just pop by or drive by or whatever all the time. Its too much.


After that conversation with him I got a stress headache. It was all I could do to sit through the visitation. Every time he has to think up something extravagant to do. He says he likes to play with her, that's why he does it. Well.....that's fine and all, but it also shows how much you don't like to actually parent.


Each visit gets more drawn out, and I get more out of my comfort zone. He keeps pressuring for him to take her over night. He keeps saying he will take a drug test anytime I "whip one out" but should I just wait and ask the court to administer one?

lillamy

When is your court date? Is it possible for you to get a temporary custody and visitation order in place while you're waiting for it?

hopeful4

I am sorry you are struggling. I would get the advise of your attorney, not sure what else to do.

Tight, tight hugs. As far as changing churches, sometimes change is hard but it can be a really great thing.

XXX

Dojang

Blossom, I have found the best way to respond to questions like that is with a question. "Why is it your concern if I went to church or not?" As for the visitation, the county where I live has a court operated supervised visitation program. The parents don't see each other at all and the visitation is supervised by trained, court staff. Not sure if you have anything like that in your area. Here, it has to be ordered by a judge. Here, parties have the option of hiring someone, and the non-custodial parents has to pay all the costs. Do you have a 3rd party you feel comfortable supervising? Just a few suggestions, not sure if they will help. I wish you the best

Blossom717

Court won't be until December or maybe even January. Haven't received the official date though. We can do mediation, hopefully something will work out through that once we get appointed a mediator.

Dojang- We don't have custody set up yet so I'm supervising visits until then. The only reason its happening like this is because I don't trust him to give her back if he were to have her, and I don't trust him to stay sober.

Thanks I guess I just needed to vent. Hopeful - After asking who would tell him that, my question was "why do you think its any of your business?".

dandylion

Blossom......continue to try a hard as humanly possible to detach fro his quacking. That is what most of this is...it sounds to me. Lots of sound and fury that will signify nothing when this is all said and done. He is trying to push your fear buttons---because he knows that has worked for him in the past. He still believes that he can intimidate you.
Same goes for his mottley crew of misguided "helpers".

Detach; detach; detach....

There is a saying in recovery circles: "You don't have to attend every fight that you are invited to".

If it were me...I would take a stack of magazines to leaf through..or a crossword puzzle book to work on. Let him interact with the child..rather than focus on you during the visit.

Don't let them see you sweat......

dandylion

Fandy

i agree, talk about your child and only your child....and remind him that he is FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR HER. he hasn't paid you a DIME in support.

I would start looking for a new home, you do not want to be near him, his parents or anyone who enables him.

PLEASE contact your lawyer to file for support now....he should be paying weekly.

Thumper

It is OK to say nothing. Deafen him with the sound of silence. It was the only thing that finally worked with my ex after we first separated and was exchanging kids etc. Any word out of my mouth was a step into crazyville and it was so emotionally draining for me and would make me so anxious.

I began to just not answer him. No answer at all unless it was a reasonable question that deserved an answer. If it was a baiting question or something that was none of his business I just said nothing at all. One time he asked if I was gonna answer him and I said 'nope' without one other word - he had plenty to say about it but it did work.

I agree with Fandy on putting a new home at the very top of your list.

LightInside

Yep, "I'm not going to talk to you about this," or total silence ought to work. I also highly recommend moving and "disentangling" your life from his as much as possible. It might be very hard, but it will become normal and eventually it will be a happier normal than the crazy "normal" that life with an A is.

Also, what do you think would happen if you said, "No more visits supervised by me. You figure out a person I can trust to do it, or you won't see DS until court approves supervised visits."? If you think it will cause more trouble than good, then don't do it. You know his patterns better than anyone else. This worked for me, but my X has family that could supervise. He threw back with quacking, but it was ALL TALK. This was seen as illegal in X's eyes, but if he had been sober and came to pick up DS without supervision, I would have had to supervise or let him go. It just never came to that.

I am not suggesting you do anything illegal. That would only make things worse.

theuncertainty

It was really hard for me to stop responding or giving AXH more info than he needed. Once we were to the point of contact only by e-mail per court orders, I still had to shorten my replies. I ran one response past a friend before sending it on to AXH when he had asked to change the weekend visit schedule. My response said "No" (which was a HUGE step for me), but then launched into why - we're going camping with friends for the weekend, where, how long. My friend revised it to "No. We already have plans," and reminded me that what I was doing was no longer any of AXH's business.

Sweetie, you can set a schedule. You do not have to bend over backwards to accommodate his every demand. If the visits are dragging out, lay it out on the table right out front: The visits will be Day1 from # pm to # pm; Day 2 from # pm to # pm.

And, while there is no way I had the strength to do what you're doing in supervising the visits, I think that had I been able to do so, I would have brought a book, and my iPod with earbuds and at least pretended to read and listen to music. Like being stuck on a long flight next to an annoyingly chatty stranger: earbuds in, music on: unavailable, leave me alone. (((((hugs)))))