It all goes back to the first time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
It all goes back to the first time
I woke up this morning with a little peace and resignation. Things have become more calm here now that we have settled the issue. My ex seems to feel comfortable enough to open his windows again and even though it all still was painful, I felt comfort in giving comfort. Then I read Lil's post in another thread about how pity turns into love for Codis and how we seem to lack the ability to differentiate those feelings...and how we put ourselves second or third for forth. Perhaps my last meeting with my ex wasn't the most healthy, since my intention was to express a loving goodbye, which I hoped, would alleviate some of both of our pain. But it has helped me move a little more towards my own reflections.
It is funny how events and incidents can occur in timing that makes the messages hit home. Today, I found my mind skipping from my ex and back to my mother- some 25 years ago. This is the source of my codependence. The source of limited self appreciation and value. The source of my anxiety and useless and almost constant worry. The place that keeps me feeling at almost all times like the sky is about to fall.
I have attempted to escape these feelings my whole life by recreating the past. Sometimes, I have played my mother's role and sometimes I have played out my own. In the end, the result has been the same- more pain, more confirmations that my value is limited to what I can do for others and if at the end of the day, they show me through words and actions that what I hope for and expect, that I am valuable to them and so can be valuable to myself...at least momentarily.
I am still quite obsessive about whatever person in my life who does not respond in the timing and ways that confirm my value for me. I have learned that most of the time, my interpretations of rejection are not valid, but instead are just another form of my own sense of self rejection. Just the simple fact that I care so much about other's opinions about myself keeps me in that rejected state.
But in the peace of this morning, before the sun had fully risen, in my clean bed and quiet room, I saw that little girl. The one who pleaded to family and neighbors for rescue... the one that ultimately lashed out at her mother and finally forced the world to take action. The one that was then sent from her maternal drunk to live with another, which only confirmed that little girl's suspicions that life was about others- about trying to find some way through action and tolerance of pain that she was worthy of love. That the definition of love was through acceptance of others' dysfunction as function and her own value came from gleaned moments of acceptance in an otherwise tumultuous world of sorrow and rejection.
The fact that this time, I choose a man who drank, instead of a total sociopath or pothead, or another ACA forced a return to the origin of this story. And my mother is gone. There is no way to change her choices...I never had that power. But that doesn't mean that I am powerless. It does not mean that the cruelty of her drunken words is my truth. It does not mean that I have to continue to hide, like the little girl who would climb into boxes and cover herself with toys to avoid a beating or sexual abuse still has to choose to hide in bad relationships and obsessive concern for things that do not fit or people who do not care.
Letting go of my ex A will only really lead to better and healthier choices if I learn to let go, with that little girl, of the past. We have only this life. Perhaps the ones who gave it to us did so with a heavy and pained hand. But as adults, we do not have to live under the dictates of a trapped mind, heart and soul. We do not have to allow others to lean on us as they wrestle with their own demons. I don't believe that is the point of life anymore.
I used to dream of being loved. Scenes of happiness would run through my mind, like some fairy tale where I would be fulfilled by the wonders of finally being "really loved". But real love is within me. All that unconditional love I have given away so freely but kept none for myself... it is enough of that now. I am enough...that little girl was enough. I had no idea that I was in this cycle. I had no idea that my past was still so much my present. But now that I do, I choose to take a different path- one that leads out of this dark forest of aching memories and the hollow echoes of the nightmare of the past. I will choose to create a new future instead of recreating the past. I have done my penitence. Now I choose to live in my own happiness- regardless of the continued sympathy that will, I am certain, continue to reflect some sadness for those that I cannot change... For those who must change themselves. After all, if I wish that for them, shouldn't I first wish it for myself?
It is funny how events and incidents can occur in timing that makes the messages hit home. Today, I found my mind skipping from my ex and back to my mother- some 25 years ago. This is the source of my codependence. The source of limited self appreciation and value. The source of my anxiety and useless and almost constant worry. The place that keeps me feeling at almost all times like the sky is about to fall.
I have attempted to escape these feelings my whole life by recreating the past. Sometimes, I have played my mother's role and sometimes I have played out my own. In the end, the result has been the same- more pain, more confirmations that my value is limited to what I can do for others and if at the end of the day, they show me through words and actions that what I hope for and expect, that I am valuable to them and so can be valuable to myself...at least momentarily.
I am still quite obsessive about whatever person in my life who does not respond in the timing and ways that confirm my value for me. I have learned that most of the time, my interpretations of rejection are not valid, but instead are just another form of my own sense of self rejection. Just the simple fact that I care so much about other's opinions about myself keeps me in that rejected state.
But in the peace of this morning, before the sun had fully risen, in my clean bed and quiet room, I saw that little girl. The one who pleaded to family and neighbors for rescue... the one that ultimately lashed out at her mother and finally forced the world to take action. The one that was then sent from her maternal drunk to live with another, which only confirmed that little girl's suspicions that life was about others- about trying to find some way through action and tolerance of pain that she was worthy of love. That the definition of love was through acceptance of others' dysfunction as function and her own value came from gleaned moments of acceptance in an otherwise tumultuous world of sorrow and rejection.
The fact that this time, I choose a man who drank, instead of a total sociopath or pothead, or another ACA forced a return to the origin of this story. And my mother is gone. There is no way to change her choices...I never had that power. But that doesn't mean that I am powerless. It does not mean that the cruelty of her drunken words is my truth. It does not mean that I have to continue to hide, like the little girl who would climb into boxes and cover herself with toys to avoid a beating or sexual abuse still has to choose to hide in bad relationships and obsessive concern for things that do not fit or people who do not care.
Letting go of my ex A will only really lead to better and healthier choices if I learn to let go, with that little girl, of the past. We have only this life. Perhaps the ones who gave it to us did so with a heavy and pained hand. But as adults, we do not have to live under the dictates of a trapped mind, heart and soul. We do not have to allow others to lean on us as they wrestle with their own demons. I don't believe that is the point of life anymore.
I used to dream of being loved. Scenes of happiness would run through my mind, like some fairy tale where I would be fulfilled by the wonders of finally being "really loved". But real love is within me. All that unconditional love I have given away so freely but kept none for myself... it is enough of that now. I am enough...that little girl was enough. I had no idea that I was in this cycle. I had no idea that my past was still so much my present. But now that I do, I choose to take a different path- one that leads out of this dark forest of aching memories and the hollow echoes of the nightmare of the past. I will choose to create a new future instead of recreating the past. I have done my penitence. Now I choose to live in my own happiness- regardless of the continued sympathy that will, I am certain, continue to reflect some sadness for those that I cannot change... For those who must change themselves. After all, if I wish that for them, shouldn't I first wish it for myself?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
That was beautiful. And insightful.
And this:
I really believe that's what we all do. Recreate the traumatic to create a better ending.
And this:
I have attempted to escape these feelings my whole life by recreating the past.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Oh Yes, Timeiskey.....there is so much good and so many loving people in the world. It is no longer necessary for you to be with the "other kind". You can love yourself and surround yourself with only healthy, loving others.
That is my hope and wish for you........
dandylion
That is my hope and wish for you........
dandylion
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
