What if I really do cause it?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by readerbaby71 
I'm not an alanoner, but have gotten a lot out of some of the literature. I do believe that the 3Cs have been helpful to me in learning to let go. I did not cause my BF's alcoholism any more than I could cause him to get cancer (excluding second hand smoke). I cannot control what he does. Period. He's an adult and responsible for his actions. I agree that once someone is aware of their loved one's triggers, that they have to take responsibility for their own behavior just as much as the addict does. Verbal abuse, passive aggressive behavior, the silent treatment and more can contribute to someone deciding to drink, but these things do not cause an addict to use. We can be supportive and help, but there is no way anyone can cure another's disease. If we could none of us would be here.
I just know from my personal experience the 3Cs have helped me stop trying to control everything around me, not just my BF. I do think that we as partners or parents or friends of addicts have a responsibility to treat others with respect, not only for them, but for our own peace of mind and self-esteem.
I just know from my personal experience the 3Cs have helped me stop trying to control everything around me, not just my BF. I do think that we as partners or parents or friends of addicts have a responsibility to treat others with respect, not only for them, but for our own peace of mind and self-esteem.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
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You can no more cause it than you can cause your husband to develop cancer. Sure you were not the "perfect wife". I dont believe there is such a thing. No one is perfect. Could you have done some things differently? Sure, but you did what you thought was right at the time given the circumstances you were dealt at the time. We have all reacted in bad ways to our loved ones drinking. That is why there is Al-anon. It helps us to recognize those bed patterns of behaviors and gives us tools to behave differently in the future. You are here and that means there is progress!!! Keep focusing on yourself and getting healthy. The healthier you become the more clear things get for you.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
My view on this is that, no family did not cause someone's addiction. But if you want to improve your relationship and support your A thru recovery then you should try to avoid the things that he says trigger him to use. I don't think that's shifting responsibility off of him on to you
My husband is diabetic, in the beginning when he was first diagnosed, I avoided buying sugary sweets and eating them in front of him. Does that make me a codependent? I don't think so. Now, 20 years after his diagnoses I do not go to such measures because he's developed the habit and tools to not eat sweets. You doesn't crave them anymore like he did.
So I think in the very beginning of a spouses sobriety/recovery before he has all his tools in place it would be wise to avoid things that trigger him.
Yes it is the A's ultimate responsibility to deal with triggers. We were taught in IOP to work thru the triggers but part of our relapse prevention was to work on ways to improve our lives so that triggers are not a part of it. Even if that meant leaving a dysfunctional marriage. So while he is getting healthy it's a good idea for the spouse to go to their own program or therapy and/or attend marriage counseling so that the two can grow healthy together rather than growing apart from one another.
My husband is diabetic, in the beginning when he was first diagnosed, I avoided buying sugary sweets and eating them in front of him. Does that make me a codependent? I don't think so. Now, 20 years after his diagnoses I do not go to such measures because he's developed the habit and tools to not eat sweets. You doesn't crave them anymore like he did.
So I think in the very beginning of a spouses sobriety/recovery before he has all his tools in place it would be wise to avoid things that trigger him.
Yes it is the A's ultimate responsibility to deal with triggers. We were taught in IOP to work thru the triggers but part of our relapse prevention was to work on ways to improve our lives so that triggers are not a part of it. Even if that meant leaving a dysfunctional marriage. So while he is getting healthy it's a good idea for the spouse to go to their own program or therapy and/or attend marriage counseling so that the two can grow healthy together rather than growing apart from one another.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
I have found in my 2 1/2 years of sobriety (which took almost 10 years to get) that I have to focus on myself and my part in things. I think this goes both ways for the addict and the loved one of the addict. Otherwise it becomes the Chicken or the Egg discussion. Say my wife nags and belittles me. Did the nagging and belittling cause me to use OR did me using cause her to nag and belittle me. As an addict I am great at placing blame or saying things caused me to use, but I will never recover if I think like that. I don't care if I think my part was 1% or 100% that is the part I can change and if I want to heal I need to work on that part. The addict / codependent relationship is about as dysfunctional as they come, but if both take care of their sides of the street as they say - both make changes to address their percentage of the problem things can and will change for the better.
In Recovery "Reservations" are anything that would get me to use again. I know today that I can have NO RESERVATIONS to using or I will do just that - USE. Some people say well if my wife left me I would use or if a close loved one dies I would use or if I wake up on the wrong side of the bed I am going to use. I must have NO RESERVATIONS because using is not and never will be a solution to any of my problems. Even if my wife leaves me, the dog dies, I lose my job and am out on the street using will only make it worse.
So back to the original point. Did you cause him to use? I say no way. If he is truly working on recovery and has no reservations then nothing you can say or do should cause him to use. This does not mean people should put up with a completely dysfunctional relationship. Part of cleaning up your side of the street and becoming healthier just might be to get away from a toxic person. That can go both ways. The loved one of an addict letting them go if they refuse to help themselves OR the addict in recovery having to walk away from a loved one that refuses to change / clean up their side of the street. Just because I am clean and sober does not mean I am not still sick. Taking away the alcohol / drugs is just the tip of the iceberg. Then the real work begins. Speaking for ME only at least. That's my 3 cents - take it or leave it. Have a great day everyone!!!
In Recovery "Reservations" are anything that would get me to use again. I know today that I can have NO RESERVATIONS to using or I will do just that - USE. Some people say well if my wife left me I would use or if a close loved one dies I would use or if I wake up on the wrong side of the bed I am going to use. I must have NO RESERVATIONS because using is not and never will be a solution to any of my problems. Even if my wife leaves me, the dog dies, I lose my job and am out on the street using will only make it worse.
So back to the original point. Did you cause him to use? I say no way. If he is truly working on recovery and has no reservations then nothing you can say or do should cause him to use. This does not mean people should put up with a completely dysfunctional relationship. Part of cleaning up your side of the street and becoming healthier just might be to get away from a toxic person. That can go both ways. The loved one of an addict letting them go if they refuse to help themselves OR the addict in recovery having to walk away from a loved one that refuses to change / clean up their side of the street. Just because I am clean and sober does not mean I am not still sick. Taking away the alcohol / drugs is just the tip of the iceberg. Then the real work begins. Speaking for ME only at least. That's my 3 cents - take it or leave it. Have a great day everyone!!!
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