What if I really do cause it?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I've been lucky with that particular one of the C's. I am very happy to blame ABF for his drinking and know I had nothing to do with it. lol In the same breath, I somehow manage to blame HIM for my misery with it. UGH!
My struggle was and at times still is with the curing and controlling part. I'm just a fixer by nature I guess.
Anywho - yeah, you don't make him drink. Alcoholism and him not being ready to stop cause him to drink. Thats all. Additionally, you can make you happy through it all. Take care of yourself.
My struggle was and at times still is with the curing and controlling part. I'm just a fixer by nature I guess.
Anywho - yeah, you don't make him drink. Alcoholism and him not being ready to stop cause him to drink. Thats all. Additionally, you can make you happy through it all. Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
You know how people ask us "Why don't you leave if his drinking makes you so miserable?"
You could ask an alcoholic who blames his spouse the same thing -- "If your wife is such a witch that you have to drink to put up with her -- why don't you leave?"
You could ask an alcoholic who blames his spouse the same thing -- "If your wife is such a witch that you have to drink to put up with her -- why don't you leave?"
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
My AM was drinking long before I was born, but I still was blamed for her being an alcoholic. Man, I had THAT kind of power before I was even in the womb?!? What the hell happened to such an incredible power? I could sure use it to make my house clean itself or something. *eyeroll*
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
See, I know, "logically", what each of you has said is true. And that is what I would say to someone else. But in my heart, well, there I feel responsible. And I guess that's where I need to do some work.
He didn't start drinking until well into our marriage. And I guess because I have always tried to be a good wife, when he says it's my fault, I internalize that. Obviously, I have a lot of work to do in my heart instead of my head.
He didn't start drinking until well into our marriage. And I guess because I have always tried to be a good wife, when he says it's my fault, I internalize that. Obviously, I have a lot of work to do in my heart instead of my head.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Soverylost,
I dont really like the term "you didnt cause it" because it vague IMO. The issues goes deeper. Most people use substances as a way to cope, or escape. Some have mental illness under their addictions.We dont cause these things as a spouse. BUT I think we can trigger our Significant others. Its the same logic where we say if you stop using then dont hang around your old friends, old environments because you will possibly become triggered, and could potentially use.
We do have influence, impact on the people around us. In this way if we have a strained, hostile, cold, angry relationship with our spouse, we are possibly triggering them. If they cant cope well enough then they may turn to drink or drug.
I would question if what your husband is really saying is, Im triggered by the relationship dynamics between us. This could be a truth to him, but only he can decide what to do about it.
I dont really like the term "you didnt cause it" because it vague IMO. The issues goes deeper. Most people use substances as a way to cope, or escape. Some have mental illness under their addictions.We dont cause these things as a spouse. BUT I think we can trigger our Significant others. Its the same logic where we say if you stop using then dont hang around your old friends, old environments because you will possibly become triggered, and could potentially use.
We do have influence, impact on the people around us. In this way if we have a strained, hostile, cold, angry relationship with our spouse, we are possibly triggering them. If they cant cope well enough then they may turn to drink or drug.
I would question if what your husband is really saying is, Im triggered by the relationship dynamics between us. This could be a truth to him, but only he can decide what to do about it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Santa Rosa CA
Posts: 240
Originally Posted by soverylost 
See, I know, "logically", what each of you has said is true. And that is what I would say to someone else. But in my heart, well, there I feel responsible. And I guess that's where I need to do some work.
He didn't start drinking until well into our marriage. And I guess because I have always tried to be a good wife, when he says it's my fault, I internalize that. Obviously, I have a lot of work to do in my heart instead of my head.
He didn't start drinking until well into our marriage. And I guess because I have always tried to be a good wife, when he says it's my fault, I internalize that. Obviously, I have a lot of work to do in my heart instead of my head.
See?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
BlueChair, that is what I am wondering. We were married for what I thought were 10 happy years before he started drinking. Then, after 9 years of drinking (3 of those years heavy drinking), he tells me he wasn't really happy the whole time, I drove him crazy, I stifled him, I didn't support and love him enough, I was too stubborn ... and for all that time he held it inside until he snapped.
Of course, there were other things that happened right around the time of his drinking - he had a surgery that was very serious and is still recovering from 9 years later, and there has been ongoing emotional and verbal abuse issues with his parents.
But, what if I really am his trigger? What if my mannerisms, my actions, my words, trigger him?
Of course, there were other things that happened right around the time of his drinking - he had a surgery that was very serious and is still recovering from 9 years later, and there has been ongoing emotional and verbal abuse issues with his parents.
But, what if I really am his trigger? What if my mannerisms, my actions, my words, trigger him?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Santa Rosa CA
Posts: 240
Originally Posted by soverylost
BlueChair, that is what I am wondering. We were married for what I thought were 10 happy years before he started drinking. Then, after 9 years of drinking and 3 of heavy drinking, he tells me he wasn't really happy the whole time, I drove him crazy, I stifled him, I didn't support and love him enough, I was too stubborn ... and for all that time he held it inside until he snapped.
Of course, there were other things that happened right around the time of his drinking - he had a surgery that was very serious and is still recovering from 9 years later, and there has been ongoing emotional and verbal abuse issues with his parents.
But, what if I really am his trigger? What if my mannerisms, my actions, my words, trigger him?
Of course, there were other things that happened right around the time of his drinking - he had a surgery that was very serious and is still recovering from 9 years later, and there has been ongoing emotional and verbal abuse issues with his parents.
But, what if I really am his trigger? What if my mannerisms, my actions, my words, trigger him?
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
I agree with others, no one cause us to drink. In my case however, my wife of many years and myself enabled and we are codependent. We both would sort of look the other way at each others bad behavior. My wife's issue are not drinking or using however. She never became hostile, withdrawn, unreliable, stopped meeting obligations etc. Different life issues than mine.
But, I DID NOT DRINK because of her. Started well before we met and only continued to spiral downward. We are still together after 31 yrs of marriage, and really for the first time - since my sobriety and without any critique towards her, she is making changes as well.
I internally thought " if only she would.....or was ....."
All self justification for me as a self centered drunk.
Once I started cleaning up my side of street, my wife on her own has decided to do some house cleaning herself.
you did not cause him to drink........
Wow, I needed to read this and write this today - Time to go home and make some more amends......
peace
But, I DID NOT DRINK because of her. Started well before we met and only continued to spiral downward. We are still together after 31 yrs of marriage, and really for the first time - since my sobriety and without any critique towards her, she is making changes as well.
I internally thought " if only she would.....or was ....."
All self justification for me as a self centered drunk.
Once I started cleaning up my side of street, my wife on her own has decided to do some house cleaning herself.
you did not cause him to drink........
Wow, I needed to read this and write this today - Time to go home and make some more amends......
peace
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
What a helpful and timely post. I just saw my partner for the first time since April. He has deteriorated severely and looks so pitiful, I could just cry. One of the unhappiest people now I've ever seen. Of course, I am thinking, "would he be better if I had not left?"
I had to leave for my own sobriety. I guess I stand a better chance of being healthy and helping him by example than us BOTH being sick and drowning in the drink.
I had to leave for my own sobriety. I guess I stand a better chance of being healthy and helping him by example than us BOTH being sick and drowning in the drink.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by soverylost
BlueChair, that is what I am wondering. We were married for what I thought were 10 happy years before he started drinking. Then, after 9 years of drinking and 3 of heavy drinking, he tells me he wasn't really happy the whole time, I drove him crazy, I stifled him, I didn't support and love him enough, I was too stubborn ... and for all that time he held it inside until he snapped.
Of course, there were other things that happened right around the time of his drinking - he had a surgery that was very serious and is still recovering from 9 years later, and there has been ongoing emotional and verbal abuse issues with his parents.
But, what if I really am his trigger? What if my mannerisms, my actions, my words, trigger him?
Of course, there were other things that happened right around the time of his drinking - he had a surgery that was very serious and is still recovering from 9 years later, and there has been ongoing emotional and verbal abuse issues with his parents.
But, what if I really am his trigger? What if my mannerisms, my actions, my words, trigger him?
No marriage is perfect, we cant walk on eggshells trying to be the good wife, say just the right thing. The best we can do is take a good look at ourselves and the marriage. If we dont like things we see about ourselves then we can change our behavior. And really mostly I think we do it for ourselves, to be who we want to be.
If there are major issues between you that have gone unresolved and led to a wall between you then maybe professional help is in order but with someone who is drinking this is difficult.
Some of these things no one here can tell you whats what because gosh we only see a tiny window. Im in no way blaming you for his behavior. Only (trying) to share some of what I learned in counseling in terms of looking at myself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i don't care if you stood over him with a bullhorn WHILE he was sleeping and yelled for an hour....DRINKNG is not a solution.
or if you set the house on fire. DRINKING is not a solution.
or it you shot him with darts from a blow gun....DRINKING is NOT a SOLUTION.
maybe your home was filled with angst and unrest....there are ways to DEAL with that in positive ways......DRINKING is not one of them.
to give an addict a pass because they were TRIGGERED is uninformed.
when I was getting off crack seeing a Bic lighter display on the check out counter of ANY convenience store was a trigger...to me. TO ME. because my addiction roared to life with any reference, reminder, or representation of my using and said GO FOR IT.
it was up to ME to not let TRIGGERS get to me. because I was always LOOKING for triggers.....EVERYTHING became a trigger....and I told myself it just wasn't my fault.
it was ALL my fault. nobody else. it was not up to anyone else to make it OK for me, or change their behavior so that I would feel ok.....my addiction....my problem....my solution to find. 8 years this month owning up to my own sh!t.
or if you set the house on fire. DRINKING is not a solution.
or it you shot him with darts from a blow gun....DRINKING is NOT a SOLUTION.
maybe your home was filled with angst and unrest....there are ways to DEAL with that in positive ways......DRINKING is not one of them.
to give an addict a pass because they were TRIGGERED is uninformed.
when I was getting off crack seeing a Bic lighter display on the check out counter of ANY convenience store was a trigger...to me. TO ME. because my addiction roared to life with any reference, reminder, or representation of my using and said GO FOR IT.
it was up to ME to not let TRIGGERS get to me. because I was always LOOKING for triggers.....EVERYTHING became a trigger....and I told myself it just wasn't my fault.
it was ALL my fault. nobody else. it was not up to anyone else to make it OK for me, or change their behavior so that I would feel ok.....my addiction....my problem....my solution to find. 8 years this month owning up to my own sh!t.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I was talking to my counselor about this very thing a few weeks ago and she told me that it's grandiosity in the reverse. I'm simply not that powerful to cause these things to happen (I was specifically talking about my daughter's food allergies, because I didn't cause those either, but she showed me how this is now a common theme for me to take the fall when bad things happen.) I didn't cause anything with my husband's alcoholism. I have never caused him to drink anymore than he has ever caused me to do anything.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Originally Posted by BlueChair
Soverylost,
I dont really like the term "you didnt cause it" because it vague IMO. The issues goes deeper. Most people use substances as a way to cope, or escape. Some have mental illness under their addictions.We dont cause these things as a spouse. BUT I think we can trigger our Significant others. Its the same logic where we say if you stop using then dont hang around your old friends, old environments because you will possibly become triggered, and could potentially use.
We do have influence, impact on the people around us. In this way if we have a strained, hostile, cold, angry relationship with our spouse, we are possibly triggering them. If they cant cope well enough then they may turn to drink or drug.
I would question if what your husband is really saying is, Im triggered by the relationship dynamics between us. This could be a truth to him, but only he can decide what to do about it.
I dont really like the term "you didnt cause it" because it vague IMO. The issues goes deeper. Most people use substances as a way to cope, or escape. Some have mental illness under their addictions.We dont cause these things as a spouse. BUT I think we can trigger our Significant others. Its the same logic where we say if you stop using then dont hang around your old friends, old environments because you will possibly become triggered, and could potentially use.
We do have influence, impact on the people around us. In this way if we have a strained, hostile, cold, angry relationship with our spouse, we are possibly triggering them. If they cant cope well enough then they may turn to drink or drug.
I would question if what your husband is really saying is, Im triggered by the relationship dynamics between us. This could be a truth to him, but only he can decide what to do about it.
My partners didn't make me drink, my disability didn't make me drink, my job didn't make me drink, that guy who pissed me off or that $50 I lost in the strret didn't make me drink either - my inability to cope with all those things in any other way but drinking made me drink.
We may not agree and I understand why you see it the way you do - but thats definitely how I see it.
I know now I always have a range of responses for any given event situation or 'trigger'...I've tried to disconnect myself from the inappropriate ones..
I have to own my own faillings on this one - not what someone else might have done, or didn't do.
D
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