LightInside

Today I spoke with XA's D&A counselor. I was talking to him in respect to proof I need that X is staying sober. Some of my tearful story spilled out. He told me that X is graduating from Phase I (intensive treatment) tonight.

The part of me that loves him is very proud. I never thought he'd really get this far. Well, years ago I thought he could, but not after everything that's gone down since we had DS.

As the one who got pushed away and the one who has insisted on NC until he has 12 mo. sober; I feel like it would be maybe inappropriate to contact him in this way. We actually do have electronic contact with all things related to DS.

Also, I hate when he doesn't respond to pictures of our son or stories I tell about DS. In fact, he never asks about DS unless he knows DS is sick. He sees him as often as he can afford it (pro supervised). He's a very good dad without the alcohol. I keep sending stuff pictures and stories though, because it's hard not to share the joy of our child with the other half of his parentage. I don't do it a lot, because he'll either say nothing or just a little thanks. The gratitude is what I want, but he hasn't been thanking me since we signed the parenting plan.

I can lower my expectation and expect no response. This feels martyr-like to me though. I wonder if that's bad for me. I wonder if it will make a sick, narcissistic person feel like he still has power over me. I wonder of he's still all that sick and narcissistic. I would bet Yes. It's only been 3 months.

I've asked myself Why do it? I'm still not sure.

Just "talking it out." Going to Al Anon tonight. Maybe something will stand out for me there.

lillamy

So I've tried to respond to this but I feel like I may be putting too much of my own experiences into your story, and that's kind of unfair.

I am only guessing here, but I think that it may be difficult for him to respond to pictures and stories of the son he hasn't been a good father to. That's not to say "stop sending them" -- but more... give him grace and yes, like you said, expect nothing.

I'm an expert at making up stories in my head. In your situation, I would come up with all kinds of reasons why he gives you the non-responses he does. And they would probably all be wrong, kwim? Is it possible for you to drop your "why does he react this way?" and just send the photos and stories because it's the right thing to do? That's how I have to think about it when I send stuff I'm court-ordered to send to my AXH.

PunchDrunk

My suggestion is to lower your expectations. It's not a bad thing to do. It's a realistic thing to do. Having expectations that clearly aren't met, but maintaining them anyway, is unreasonable. It means magical thinking and not looking at what actually is.

That's what I keep telling myself, anyway.

LightInside

Yes. I've been lowering my expectations all year, but there comes a point where maybe I expect the worst. That's not fair either.

I'm not sure that he's sad to get pictures and stuff. He didn't seem to mind before. In fact, when he wasn't able to see DS for a week or two in the spring, I asked if it would be better or worse for me to send pics. He was like, "Send them, of course!" However, his counselor did say that X is coming to a lot of realizations and acceptance of his addiction as a reality. It's totally possible that he's changing the way he thinks and feels, because he was so toxic before and his brain is gradually clearing. Also, things have changed so much. So many expenses for him, legally and with treatment costs; shorter, costly visits with less freedom. And he doesn't have the drink as coping.

I remember to well how immediately after the breakup, he was taking DS on all these outings that I wanted to do as a family. He would send me pictures. It was heartbreaking to me. I was happy for my son, but I know there's more to parenting than providing entertainment. It was bittersweet to get the pictures and I almost wondered if he was trying to intentionally rub it in my face that he was out having fun with DS while I was doing the real work of parenting while trying to heal my heart and deal with his rejection.

Now it's almost as if the tables are turned. The difference is that I always said "thank you." How could I really expect gratitude from someone who was actively drinking and is so early in recovery though? I guess I don't expect it as much as I just want it. I think the best way to deal is for me to be grateful for raising our son well.

As far as congratulating him...
As I was on my way to my meeting, I was thinking how I could totally just pray for my HP to deliver the message that I am very proud of him. When I was at the meeting, someone said, "Every thought we have and every word we say is a prayer." This touched my heart. I took my DS to the store on the way home and we got X's favorite cookies. I celebrated X's recovery accomplishment by eating cookies, watching a movie with DS, and praying that my message of pride and love for him is delivered by HP. So much better for my Serenity than contacting him .

FeelingGreat

Hi LI, as it was you who insisted on NC until he's a year sober, it would not be right for you to break it before that time. It seems to be working, and your X is sticking to it by not responding much to your emails, photos etc.
Possibly the break in contact has helped your X by giving him clear air and a chance to concentrate on himself alone.
I don't know what his state of mind is - he might be sulking, or just impolite, or absent minded, but he's almost certainly different from when he was drinking and has some further changes to go through. Wait and see, and if his lack of politeness bothers you, dial back a little on the contact.

LightInside

Weeeell... I broke down. He sent me a pic of his certificate from IOP and some communication about child support. I told him "I'm very proud of you. I hope it feels great for you," and I moved on to the child support discussion. The response I got was only about child support and that's just going to have to be okay.

I remember when we first broke up, I went out a few times while he "watched" DS. He would say things like, "I'm so glad you're finally getting to go out and do stuff. I have wanted that for you." I didn't respond to those, because they really hurt. A) I wanted to go out and have fun with HIM, and B) I hated how he wanted what HE thought was best for me.

So, it's possible that this is about each of us wanting to live our lives and heal on or own terms. Each of us thinks we know what the other needs, but we want to do for ourselves, not for the other.

I dunno. Sometimes what we want for ourselves and each other overlaps, but both of us are hurt and pissed (American pissed, not British )

NYCDoglvr

Absolutely, it would be inappropriate. First of all, his sobriety has nothing to do with you, it's strictly an independent action. Second, he may not stay sober. Third, most important, when you set boundaries and break them you're sending a message that your word doesn't count.

Rosalba

This ^^^. In a way, wanting to contact him to congratulate him is a bit like an alcoholic who's got a bit of sobriety behind him letting himself have 'Just one drink'.

I've found that if I've held back contacting someone I knew was bad news (even if I'd rationalised it to myself), all sorts of interesting thoughts and feelings came up which could usefully be explored in therapy.

I've found NC is a really good space in which to heal. Contacting the other party would just be to pull off a scab.

hopeful4

Keep it about your DS. And i would not send pics unless they are very big deal things bc as you yourself said, your looking for gratification, and frankly your not going to get that. It will be easier for him to work on him and you on you this way.

Xxx

LightInside

Thanks for the reality checks. I'm hating my disease right now.

AnvilheadII

I was talking to him in respect to proof I need that X is staying sober

if you are NO CONTACT right now, he's your EX, you are leading separate lives....AND was the one to insist on NC for a YEAR - why do you need to know what he is doing RIGHT NOW?

and then why upon hearing that he has reached a milestone of sorts in HIS recovery did you automatically feel the need to be a PART OF THAT, by virtue of offering CONGRATULATIONS?

these are just thoughts for you to think about it...not an inquisition....

The gratitude is what I want, but he hasn't been thanking me since we signed the parenting plan.


so you are not maintaining strict no contact....you DO send pictures, you DO send updates that aren't required or requested and you DO expect, hope to get a response. you are trying to get a REACTION out of him....a specific reaction. and when that doesn't work, you try something else.....like congratulations. even today you want him to do and be things that he can't or won't BE..........

you can't get inside his head or even think you know his motives. you must stay in yours. what you feel, what you think, how you act and react. that is all.

LightInside

Just FYI, his sobriety is my business in a co-parenting sense. Our legal agreement states that he will give me reports on his recovery. Mainly, I just need the UA results. The plan is phased so that he gets increasing independence as a parent with increases sober time. He has to go back to square one if he gets a pos UA.

We can't have a strict NC while coparenting. So my compromise is no verbal contact until he has 12 months proven sobriety. Our contact is limited to only discussing matters related to the care of DS. To me, that's kind of sticky.

I am addict (to him and our relationship). I had a slip. Back on the wagon now. I have addict feelings though. Perhaps my addict feelings would best be discussed on a love addiction forum.