hopeful0621

Short history - Things have been good with my AF for a while (if you consider 4 months a while)- he has almost 4 months sober - the longest time since I have known him (7 years). He quit finally after I called the police on him for the third time in 2 years. I was ready to move on and he pulled out all the stops to keep me and our children. We entered counseling, he has remained sober, and has become the perfect family man, finace and father. As a drinking alcoholic, he was as horrible as they come. As a sober man, he has been a wonder.

My problem today: he told me last week about an invitation he received to a 40th birthday party for a work colleague. I didn't say much when I first heard about it. A few days later he asked if I wanted to go - I really didn't because I did not know any of the people, have 2 small kids I would rather spend the night with, and it was a Friday, and I work FT and am pretty tired on Friday nights. So I told him my inclination was not to attend, but if he wanted me to I would be happy to. He said not necessary, but he really did like the guy so he wanted to stop by. I asked about the drinking there, and did he think that would be a problem. He honestly told me that a lot of the guys he worked with knew he didn't drink now, and assumed he wouldn't go because he doesn't drink anymore. He said he told them he didn't need to drink to have fun. He told me the next day that his friend whom the party was for called him from the food warehouse to see what he drank (as in soda) and he thought that was amusing because it was such a novelty that someone wouldn't drink alcohol, and everyone was making a big deal about it.

Today, the day of the party, he calls and tells me that he was not going to go to the party at all - decided not to, since he is a little tired and wouldn't know that many people, and would rather spend the night with me and the kids, which was nice, BUT then he says that his boss was also invited and could not go, and so his boss gave him $50 to go get the guy a bottle from the liquor store from their company, and to make sure that my fiance goes to represent the company (my fiance is not one of the four partners this guy has). This would not at all be his boss' first attempt to sabotage him sobriety. I have not made a comment either way about him attending this party, though I have been nervous. But when I got bullsh&& that his boss asked him to do that, to actually send him into a liquor store before attending the party, it became a big ugly fight, with him reverting to the ugly person he was four months ago, all the abusive language and lies and manipulations, to the point where he said I told him not to go because I did not trust him not to drink, how unfair I was, etc. All I said was that his boss' actions were inappropriate. His boss has been his boss (and drinking buddy) for over 10 years, knows he almost lost his family, and has finally attempted to quit.

Anyway, I got completely sucked in, had to leave work (luckily it was lunch) have been crying for hours, and cannot pull it together. I called him several times to try to explain my position, each time with him heaping the verbal abuse on, and me crying, and worse of all I kept calling him back, like 8 times, either leaving a message or pleading my case. I was very quickly once again that very sick girl I was 3 years ago in the worst of it.

What is wrong with me? I wish I could just run away from all of this and the history and constant reminders, but we have 2 kids together. He has been amazing for four months, and his boss is so out of line, and he defends him while I have been by his side and endured the crap from him.

I don't know what my point is. And I am sure I will read this later and identify all of the mistakes I made. In the heat of the moment, I just totally lost it. How do I learn to not do that? I clearly am not letting go. It just seems so totally cruel to see what could be and then to realize it could all be ripped away from me now. I was trying so hard to be trusting, and be happy for him taking this first step trying to be social while sober. And are there any other people out there who don't drink and dont' think it's strange not to? I have given it up (always just made me tired) also, and get constant grief and pressure to drink, and I do not have a physical dependency on it like my fiance. He is in the trades, and constantly surrounded, even at work, by people drinking.

Thanks for letting me vent. The tears are drying up, and I just took a deep breath.

Teggie

(((hopeful))) take another deep breathe. I see your concern and fears, are you afraid it's him that wants to drink? That he's telling you all this to rationalize it to hisself? We can only be sabatoged if we give in to it. Thing is alcoholics can't avoid alcohol completley because it is everywhere, billboards, tv, restaurants, it's all over the place like a bad rash. My sister who is a sober alcoholic tells me she had to learn how to be around it and be able to avoid it. That it's as nearby as the store next door in the cough meds. If they want to drink they will, if they don't they'll try to seek a way not to. His boss will not hold that booze to his mouth and make him drink it. I know you know this and your scared of losing what y'all have accomplished so far. Your aware that the way it is affecting you right now is not good for you. We're all human, we all don't do things right sometimes but the only thing we can do is try to do it better. Call an alanon freind, contact your support people, you've reached out here thats a good start. Get back in control of yourself, you can't change what he's going to do or not do. It's not in your power. Do it for you. Hugs, Teggie

bikewench

Hey Hopeful...

I know how hard it is to not pick up that stick and stir the pot... but once it's stirred... one just has to step back and let things settle again.

Your guys 4 months of sobriety and good life will be reminding him as well that he has a lot to loose... and he's probably kicking his own a$$ for reacting so badly as well.

A sincere "I'm sorry" goes a long ways... and maybe both of you can talk about what happened and build more trust between you.

It's a tough crazy new road... but... it's better than the old one...

hopeful0621

Teggie & bikewench:

I am afraid he wants to drink - this is all new territory, and I was trying to handle the new test of a "drinking party" for him. His boss sending him to the liquor store when he was sober is also a recurring theme for him starting again. He eventually accepted my suggestion that a restaurant gift certificate would be a much better gift, and he said his boss called him as well after thinking about it and suggested that maybe he should not go and be around all the temptation. I have not really dealt with the "what if" of if he starts again, but I will not live with him drinking. I guess it would be best for me to develop an exit strategy for mine and the kids sake (no, I don't have one yet, and I know I should). I guess I just recognized old behaviors that were very scary to me today. When I tried to rationally discuss my fears, he opened a can of you know what on me. We have been pretty good at working through these issues, but that didn't happen today. He kept going back to "fine, I won't go since your going to freak about it" and I was very clear about not being against him going at all. It was almost as if he were using me as a reason not to go.

A big part of our problem is he will not come out and say he is an alcoholic, and that worries me from what I have learned here. He also says he is not drinking because his drinking is a problem for me, even though he says it is not for him. This was the out our counselor gave him as a valid reason for quitting without having to actually say he is an alcoholic. He is making the right actions, and our counselor told me that it is okay to be grateful for that, and he has to decide his path to recovery. BUt I read here that many believe without doing it for himself and following the steps, he will ultimately just sink back into it. I have spent years with my guard up ready to flee if he comes home too bad. I have fled more times that I can count, with young children in tow. I am trying to make this work because they love him so much, and as a family unit with him sober, we are doing very well and having a lot of fun and have very happy children. Deep down I still want to run as far away as I can with them to avoid any risk of having to live that life again. He also will not address how he has treated me the last 6 years. I believe that is one of the steps, but he will not even go there. Says it is all my perception. Doesn't sound like such a great life anymore, does it.

I am torn. Should I be grateful, and happy that he is willing to try to give our children the life they deserve? Or do I demand more for myself, that he address the poor way he has treated me for so many years. I believe he truly knows what he has done, but he seems afraid to say it out loud.

UGH! Thanks for letting me get more off my chest. It is helping.

bikewench

Hopeful...

A problem that I have in my life is getting too caught up in "what if ? ? "

I have actually found myself behaving in ways to make it come about just so that I can quit fretting about it. How's that for insane?

I am totally relating to your fear and uncertainty... but really... there are NO quartantees about anything in life... and we just delude ourselves that there are.

The really logical thing to do for you ... and for me ....would be to focus on the good things... and what we personally can do to make our lives more complete and more fulfilling without having it hinge on another.

I constantly forget that everyone has their own Higher Power... and it's not for me to know what the plan is.

Very much yes.


What will that achieve?

I read a long time ago that we move toward what we think about... so lets keep our thoughts on the good things...

Be at peace Hopeful.. and believe that good things will happen. Makes the day much better.

Magichappens

Hopeful,
I'm with Bikey on the "what if"s I can what if myself into a panick. All we are guaranteed is today. I try to put it in perspective. Here I am worrying about whether or not someone is going to drink, and they could be hit by a bus tomorrow. That is just as valid a worry, so why don't I obsess on that?

Those are the kind of things that I needed to explore in myself and find some relief for. In the case of worrying about my H drinking and using, I had a big ole resentment that I was constantly carrying around from the "bad old days." It was a deep fear that I couldn't let go of. In order to let it go, I had to write and write about the past, how it made me feel, how it affected my life. Then I shared that with someone that I trusted in Al-Anon. Then I started looking at how I behaved in those situations and how I reacted. Basically, I looked at my part. Then I started working on those things in myself.

I still have resentments that pop up. I use that same process over and over. Each one I deal with gives me a better perspective on my life. It gives me confidence and wholeness to work through things instead of running away, or going nuts over it. Not that I don't react that way sometimes still!LOL! I can still run around like a bashee with my hair on fire. I just don't have to if I don't want to, and I choose how long I want to stay that way.

I can't avoid bad things happening in my life. But I have a choice today how I am going to perceive it and react to it. I try to live today like it's the only day I have. Of course I have to plan things, but I don't plan the outcome or expect that my plans are carved in stone. When I started taking the focus off everybody else in my life, and put the focus on me, my life started getting a lot better.

It's not easy. It takes time. But it is sooooo worth the results. Hugs, Magic