Sungrl

That's all you can do. Good job.

I never looked at it that way and thanks for pointing it out about trust.
I always wondered the motive behind xabf lies. Other then that's what addicts do and you hit it I think.
He doesn't trust anyone. Not at all justifying it, but it makes sense.

ghostdad

I am sorry your going through this. He's not fooling you he's only fooling himself. The lies have got to stop - maybe that should be your first boundary.

Southerncross

If I made that a boundary we would be over in a flash, it was something I sad when he initially told the truth (he had also been lying about other things that he says led to his drinking) and here we are...

Plus without trust I second guess everything he says anyway.

I'm going to al-anon again tonight, I'm hoping it helps more.
I don't know how to stop letting this take over my entire being.

dandylion

Southerncross.....the way to "stop letting this take over my entire being"...is to have a program of recovery for yourself.....and work it hard.
Your alanon meeting is a great start---that is what alanon is for!

You have not written anything that is unusual for a person who is tangled in a relationship with an active alcoholic. As you read the other stories, here, you will find your story throughout countless others.....hundreds.

Entering a program of recovery...alanon or similar support group; personal therapist; learning and educating yourself.....has been the thing that has brought healing and peace of mind to those who have come before you.....and it can for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can regain yourself and live a life where you thrive.....

Believe....

dandylion

LightInside

I get the "cookie fight." I can see both sides of it, but I do wonder how you acted when you confronted him. I get it though, no matter how you acted, because the lies hurt. People get defensive when hurt..

So, you said that you'd be over in a flash if you set the boundary of No Lying. Yep, that's how I lived for years with a lying A. I knew for years that I'd have to accept lies of I wanted to "keep him." Really though, I didn't keep him. By staying with someone who didn't respect me, I taught him that I didn't respect myself. I taught him that I accept disrespect. He ultimately disrespected me by leaving me single mom with no self esteem and taking his distorted belief that I am the problem with him.

The way I have learned to help an alcoholic is to "get out of their way." Watch them run themselves into the ground. It's painful, but you get to keep your respect. If there is a natural consequence or legal consequence for their behavior and we stand in the way, we enable. It's counter intuitive for us. We have to watch them suffer and fail. The pain of the consequences of drinking has to be worse than the pain of not-drinking , for A's to hit bottom. It is baffling how much pain it takes for an A to reach that point. It's hard to watch. It's hard to listen to the manipulation without bending. That is why it's called TOUGH love.

It's also usually a lose-lose situation. We lose and suffer by depending on someone who can't give what we need, i.e. honesty. We lose if we put up with it. We lose if we have to say goodbye to someone we love.
HOWEVER, we win when we do our own recovery and strengthen or own self respect and self esteem.

Much love to you southern+! It's hard. :|

LightInside

This says it better, I think.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Southerncross

Thank you everyone. I am already feeling the effects of the support you are all showing, and from attending al-anon meetings.

Thank you to who ever created such a safe and helpful place for people who are going through these things.

Now that I can see where I need to head, I wish anyone else in my situation finds comfort in the fact we are all not alone.

Thank you again

Eauchiche

Mercifully, my mate makes no overtures about working on "us." We have seen each other twice in 6 months.