Fear I Can't Be Strong Enough
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 56
Fear I Can't Be Strong Enough
Hi Everyone,
Well, I haven't been around that long, but I'm feeling kind of lost. What brought me back here is that I'm in kind of a bad place with my relationship and I'm starting to see some patterns that I didn't really want to see before. I apologize for extreme length here.
I've lived with my boyfriend for 12 years. For the most part, things seemed great. He's very considerate, has put up with a lot of crap from me through four years of graduate school and my moving 500 miles away for two years for a job. I've finally moved back home and I've been here for about a year, and I thought it would be great.
Over the course of our relationship, I've seen some red flags--but allowed him to talk me out of them--for him to minimize them. I think he's a sex addict and he does most of his acting out online--porn, chatting with women, etc. We've fought about it a couple times and he tells me the obligatory crap--I love you, I want to be with you, I won't do it anymore, blah blah blah. And of course, I jumped right on board and went back to being blind. Well, here we are again. I've found a dating site profile--I'll give him that it's not very complete and it doesn't look very active. But it's a handle that I've known him to use, and every other instance of that handle that I've found searching Google and the deep web points to him. The dating site profile has been accessed within the past year. Since I've been home.
There have also been some other little clues--staring at his phone/ipod touch--retreating into the bathroom of all places for long enough that it seems suspicious--with devices. Then one night, his ipod is on the charger in the bedroom right when I come out of the bathroom--and a message comes in. Since I'm a pretty avid user of Apple devices, I can see from across the room that it's iMessage. He gets out of bed and turns off the iPod and goes back to bed. That was about three weeks ago.
I've been stewing on this ever since. I hadn't dug up the stuff online until after that incident--and I was taking my time so I would have some evidence, and so I would have time to cool off and really think about what I was going to do. I'm not as outraged as I expected to be. Of course with my history, I sort of fear that I'm numbing out--which is something I was an expert at growing up.
So now I've had plenty of time to think--and I keep wavering. What will I want out of the confrontation that I have planned for this coming Friday? In a way, I would like to hear the truth so I have a good reason to break things off--not that I don't already. I've tried to think about if we could work it out--and to me that kind of feels like it isn't possible--or I'll just be in the same position as before--just with more time invested. I've been acting "normal," but as the day draws nearer it gets harder and harder. Sometimes I feel angry with him, sometimes I feel angry with myself, sometimes I can almost convince myself that I've made everything up and I'm being ridiculous.
I have this fear that when I do start asking questions about this--it'll just go the same way it always does. He'll get really mad at me and start reading the laundry list of wonderful things he's done for me (most of which I wouldn't deny and I do appreciate) followed up by the laundry list of reasons why all problems are my fault. Things haven't been perfect with us, and I'm not a perfect partner. I have trouble expressing emotions--I have basically cut him off sexually since the last time this same situation went down.
However--I don't believe that I deserve this. I don't deserve to have him sneaking around behind my back and right in front of me. I do deserve honesty. So I'm kind of scared that when the time comes I'm going to lose my resolve. I also am afraid that somehow I'm wrong--for questioning whether this is even worth working on. It's hard--this relationship has been part of my life since my mid-twenties. I don't really fear being alone--I've done that--and sometimes since I came back from my job in Indiana, I've missed living alone and being alone. I'm just feeling confused and a little overwhelmed by all of this. Sometimes I feel like I really wish we'd break up--and sometimes I wish that he'd tell me the truth and we could come to some kind of compromise that would stop all this from happening. However, if my suspicions are correct about this being an addiction--then I know that it won't happen that way.
This is making me crazy--I wish for Friday to come just to get me out of this limbo--but I fear it all the same. I change my mind every day or so. Why can't this be easy? lol
Well, I haven't been around that long, but I'm feeling kind of lost. What brought me back here is that I'm in kind of a bad place with my relationship and I'm starting to see some patterns that I didn't really want to see before. I apologize for extreme length here.
I've lived with my boyfriend for 12 years. For the most part, things seemed great. He's very considerate, has put up with a lot of crap from me through four years of graduate school and my moving 500 miles away for two years for a job. I've finally moved back home and I've been here for about a year, and I thought it would be great.
Over the course of our relationship, I've seen some red flags--but allowed him to talk me out of them--for him to minimize them. I think he's a sex addict and he does most of his acting out online--porn, chatting with women, etc. We've fought about it a couple times and he tells me the obligatory crap--I love you, I want to be with you, I won't do it anymore, blah blah blah. And of course, I jumped right on board and went back to being blind. Well, here we are again. I've found a dating site profile--I'll give him that it's not very complete and it doesn't look very active. But it's a handle that I've known him to use, and every other instance of that handle that I've found searching Google and the deep web points to him. The dating site profile has been accessed within the past year. Since I've been home.
There have also been some other little clues--staring at his phone/ipod touch--retreating into the bathroom of all places for long enough that it seems suspicious--with devices. Then one night, his ipod is on the charger in the bedroom right when I come out of the bathroom--and a message comes in. Since I'm a pretty avid user of Apple devices, I can see from across the room that it's iMessage. He gets out of bed and turns off the iPod and goes back to bed. That was about three weeks ago.
I've been stewing on this ever since. I hadn't dug up the stuff online until after that incident--and I was taking my time so I would have some evidence, and so I would have time to cool off and really think about what I was going to do. I'm not as outraged as I expected to be. Of course with my history, I sort of fear that I'm numbing out--which is something I was an expert at growing up.
So now I've had plenty of time to think--and I keep wavering. What will I want out of the confrontation that I have planned for this coming Friday? In a way, I would like to hear the truth so I have a good reason to break things off--not that I don't already. I've tried to think about if we could work it out--and to me that kind of feels like it isn't possible--or I'll just be in the same position as before--just with more time invested. I've been acting "normal," but as the day draws nearer it gets harder and harder. Sometimes I feel angry with him, sometimes I feel angry with myself, sometimes I can almost convince myself that I've made everything up and I'm being ridiculous.
I have this fear that when I do start asking questions about this--it'll just go the same way it always does. He'll get really mad at me and start reading the laundry list of wonderful things he's done for me (most of which I wouldn't deny and I do appreciate) followed up by the laundry list of reasons why all problems are my fault. Things haven't been perfect with us, and I'm not a perfect partner. I have trouble expressing emotions--I have basically cut him off sexually since the last time this same situation went down.
However--I don't believe that I deserve this. I don't deserve to have him sneaking around behind my back and right in front of me. I do deserve honesty. So I'm kind of scared that when the time comes I'm going to lose my resolve. I also am afraid that somehow I'm wrong--for questioning whether this is even worth working on. It's hard--this relationship has been part of my life since my mid-twenties. I don't really fear being alone--I've done that--and sometimes since I came back from my job in Indiana, I've missed living alone and being alone. I'm just feeling confused and a little overwhelmed by all of this. Sometimes I feel like I really wish we'd break up--and sometimes I wish that he'd tell me the truth and we could come to some kind of compromise that would stop all this from happening. However, if my suspicions are correct about this being an addiction--then I know that it won't happen that way.
This is making me crazy--I wish for Friday to come just to get me out of this limbo--but I fear it all the same. I change my mind every day or so. Why can't this be easy? lol
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
What compromise do you think would stop all of this from happening? Why would this being an addiction make such behavior acceptable to you?
It almost sounds like this relationship is a habit. You're used to it so you stay stuck. What catalyst would unstick you and stop you justifying his cheating?
It almost sounds like this relationship is a habit. You're used to it so you stay stuck. What catalyst would unstick you and stop you justifying his cheating?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
At some point people always want to blame addiction for things that are just unacceptable and having no moral content. This is wrong. You deserve more.
Break away and find someone who truly values you for yourself who you don't have to worry about what they are doing behind your back. If you have a gut feeling things are off, they are. Always trust your intuition.
Hugs. I am so sorry for the reason you are here. Keep coming to SR, you will find great support here.
Break away and find someone who truly values you for yourself who you don't have to worry about what they are doing behind your back. If you have a gut feeling things are off, they are. Always trust your intuition.
Hugs. I am so sorry for the reason you are here. Keep coming to SR, you will find great support here.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
That is a Whole Lot of Painful Drama.
Cannot be good for your heart.
I see you are an SR olde-timer by your Join Date -- 2005.
What was it that brought you here to start with?
Is the 12 year BF also an A?
Cannot be good for your heart.
I see you are an SR olde-timer by your Join Date -- 2005.
What was it that brought you here to start with?
Is the 12 year BF also an A?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 56
I see where you're coming from ladyscribbler. However, I don't believe any of those things--and I don't justify them. There is no compromise that would make it ok. The fact that I believe it to be an addiction doesn't make it acceptable at all--it makes the situation completely hopeless. The catalyst has already happened--and Friday is the big day.
I guess I'm just afraid is what I'm saying. And I'm sad. And I wish it could be some other way, but I know it can't be. I can't help second-guessing--it's just one of my weaknesses I guess. I wish I was stronger I guess.
I guess I'm just afraid is what I'm saying. And I'm sad. And I wish it could be some other way, but I know it can't be. I can't help second-guessing--it's just one of my weaknesses I guess. I wish I was stronger I guess.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by Search4Serenity 
I grew up in an alcoholic household.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Search4Serenity
Hammer--No he's not an A. I first came here because I grew up in an alcoholic household.
Well, welcome back.
Thought maybe he was an A, and sort of flipped over to Porn -- which is not real common btw from what I follow. More common one I hear along those lines from the Alanon side of things is Pothead guys who flip over to Video Gaming, and quit sleeping, eating, bathing, or showing much attention to their woman (not that I can figure why she would want him to touch her when he has not had a shower in a week) . . . then she winds up in Alanon . . . wanting me to tell her that Yes she is attractive and the problem is him.
Wish that were all a Joke.
But really, I was asking because many of the Alanon tools and experience you may have worked with on your ACOA type stuff could be helpful to you in this?
So did you do the formal Alanon type stuff for your Family of Origin matters?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 56
Yeah, I did some Alanon type stuff for the family of origin stuff--and a lot of individual therapy. I'm sure some of that will come in handy as I navigate the hell that I currently find myself in. I will need to brush up--as a lot of other things took over my time since then--two graduate programs, my career, etc. I'm hoping I can find some in-person meetings soon and possibly a new therapist--and that they'll fit into my schedule...
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think you are on the edge of accepting that this relationship is over, it’s not good for you and it’s not going to change BUT you are afraid to jump off.
I think ladyscribbler said it best – the relationship becomes a habit for us making it harder to leave.
I’m not sure why you feel the need to wait until Friday. Not sure why you question yourself when you do have the facts before your own eyes, the messages, the dating site, other clues. The facts don’t change when his lips begin to move.
If we can’t swim we shouldn’t jump into the water. It does not sound to me like you are prepared to walk away from this relationship on Friday. It seems like you need to justify to him and yourself why you are leaving the relationship. You don’t need his permission or approval to do that. There should be no negotiations about what YOU wish to do. If fear continues to keep you hostage to this relationship then work on that fear first, get stronger so your follow through counts and makes a real difference in your life moving forward.
Some things to think about before the confrontation:
Do you have a place to go in the event it does not go well and you need to leave on Friday night?
Will you be able to financially support yourself on your own?
What about your clothes, personal items, things?
I think ladyscribbler said it best – the relationship becomes a habit for us making it harder to leave.
I’m not sure why you feel the need to wait until Friday. Not sure why you question yourself when you do have the facts before your own eyes, the messages, the dating site, other clues. The facts don’t change when his lips begin to move.
If we can’t swim we shouldn’t jump into the water. It does not sound to me like you are prepared to walk away from this relationship on Friday. It seems like you need to justify to him and yourself why you are leaving the relationship. You don’t need his permission or approval to do that. There should be no negotiations about what YOU wish to do. If fear continues to keep you hostage to this relationship then work on that fear first, get stronger so your follow through counts and makes a real difference in your life moving forward.
Some things to think about before the confrontation:
Do you have a place to go in the event it does not go well and you need to leave on Friday night?
Will you be able to financially support yourself on your own?
What about your clothes, personal items, things?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 56
I'm waiting for Friday for purely logistical reasons--I really can't be doing this on a day when I have to work the next day. Jeopardizing my job will not help in this situation.
I don't know that I feel like I need his permission or anything--but I do feel like the confrontation has to happen. I'm not going to just sneak away in the night. Even if that were possible, I don't feel like that's the way it should happen.
I have considered some of the things that you mention--like having somewhere to go--especially since I have to take my cat with me if I do go somewhere. In a pinch, I can go to my parents house, but I don't really want to do that unless I have to. He usually takes off when things get hot, so I think if someone leaves, it'll probably be him.
My finances are not a problem at all. I do hesitate because we are in a recently-signed lease that I don't know whether we can break without owing like 10k--since this is long term and things like the lease are in both names, we are going to have to work it out one way or the other. There's no way around that. I am financially able to ride out the lease by myself if necessary.
I don't know that I feel like I need his permission or anything--but I do feel like the confrontation has to happen. I'm not going to just sneak away in the night. Even if that were possible, I don't feel like that's the way it should happen.
I have considered some of the things that you mention--like having somewhere to go--especially since I have to take my cat with me if I do go somewhere. In a pinch, I can go to my parents house, but I don't really want to do that unless I have to. He usually takes off when things get hot, so I think if someone leaves, it'll probably be him.
My finances are not a problem at all. I do hesitate because we are in a recently-signed lease that I don't know whether we can break without owing like 10k--since this is long term and things like the lease are in both names, we are going to have to work it out one way or the other. There's no way around that. I am financially able to ride out the lease by myself if necessary.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Well how long have you been out of Alanon?
Once you get back in and start on:
Stuff You Can Change (You)
and at the same time,
Not Dealing (Accepting) with the Stuff You Cannot Change (Him)
You will start getting happy and well-ordered again.
Really is that simple. You have done all this before, right?
Once you get back in and start on:
Stuff You Can Change (You)
and at the same time,
Not Dealing (Accepting) with the Stuff You Cannot Change (Him)
You will start getting happy and well-ordered again.
Really is that simple. You have done all this before, right?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 56
It's been a long time since I was active in Alanon, Hammer. I have done it all before--that much is true. Of course, I wasn't stuck living with my parents while dealing with the fallout of their BS...lol.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Well can only tell you what has worked for 100s of thousands before. The Program Works IF You Work It.
When you get your stuff in order, you will be clear on What, When, Where you are heading.
Sing along with Willie?
I like me some Willie.
Mind Your Own Business - Willie Nelson - YouTube
When you get your stuff in order, you will be clear on What, When, Where you are heading.
Sing along with Willie?
I like me some Willie.
Mind Your Own Business - Willie Nelson - YouTube
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
S4S,
You are definitely NOT and ass-clown, and I love that expression far too much to see it thrown about like that. Let's agree to save the term ass-clown for the real ass-clowns. Ok? There are plenty of them out there.
Why are you second guessing yourself? Is that something you do often? I know I can second guess myself into inertia when confronted with difficult issues. I can waste away years in a holding pattern. You've been with him for 12 years. Do you, perhaps, do this too?. You are so articulate and well thought out. Do you often have a problem when it comes to taking action or is it just this one time?
You are definitely NOT and ass-clown, and I love that expression far too much to see it thrown about like that. Let's agree to save the term ass-clown for the real ass-clowns. Ok? There are plenty of them out there.
Why are you second guessing yourself? Is that something you do often? I know I can second guess myself into inertia when confronted with difficult issues. I can waste away years in a holding pattern. You've been with him for 12 years. Do you, perhaps, do this too?. You are so articulate and well thought out. Do you often have a problem when it comes to taking action or is it just this one time?
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 56
SeriousKarma--I do generally second-guess myself. I have a problem with this situation. I'm afraid of how it's going to go down. I'm afraid of him trying to throw me out of our apartment, I'm afraid we won't be able to get out of the lease that still has 10 months on it, I'm afraid of ending up homeless with my cat and not being able to get to work. I just moved back here and there's nowhere for me to stay--my parents are around, but I can't stay there for an extended period--it would be a 2 hour drive to and from work and their house would be a bad place for my cat.
I'm stuck I guess. I'd like to just have this be over, but that lease is killing me. I don't know how he's going to respond if he ends up homeless because of this. I think I'm paralyzed to the point where I can't do much right away. I had myself all hyped up--but I don't think I can do it yet.
God it sounds just sickening to me. I never thought I'd hear myself being like this--normally I'm a badass when it comes to being independent. I don't fear what comes after--I fear the process of getting there. I guess I can't trust that he's going to be reasonable. I think I probably have to wait it it out--and maybe have a sneaky conversation with the apartment manager to see exactly what would be involved. This is just gross
I'm stuck I guess. I'd like to just have this be over, but that lease is killing me. I don't know how he's going to respond if he ends up homeless because of this. I think I'm paralyzed to the point where I can't do much right away. I had myself all hyped up--but I don't think I can do it yet.
God it sounds just sickening to me. I never thought I'd hear myself being like this--normally I'm a badass when it comes to being independent. I don't fear what comes after--I fear the process of getting there. I guess I can't trust that he's going to be reasonable. I think I probably have to wait it it out--and maybe have a sneaky conversation with the apartment manager to see exactly what would be involved. This is just gross
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Okay, let's talk about the lease.
One or the other of you can keep the lease. You renegotiate with the landlord that one of you is moving out. Whoever stays can pay it all or get a roommate, right? You can do an internet search on leases in your state.
What else?
*edit to say - all that stuff in your last post is future-tripping head games. You have your parents. You can keep the cat. You'll find a new place you can afford. Get out of your own way!
One or the other of you can keep the lease. You renegotiate with the landlord that one of you is moving out. Whoever stays can pay it all or get a roommate, right? You can do an internet search on leases in your state.
What else?
*edit to say - all that stuff in your last post is future-tripping head games. You have your parents. You can keep the cat. You'll find a new place you can afford. Get out of your own way!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
NO NOT an a@@ clown. I do think it will benefit you to wait and figure out what your objective is and what expectations you have by confronting him.
I know for me, in the past when I would want to confront him about things I discovered I was running solely on emotions and didn't have an objective and my expectations usually involved him doing something different.
I know for me, in the past when I would want to confront him about things I discovered I was running solely on emotions and didn't have an objective and my expectations usually involved him doing something different.
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