jarp

Thanks everyone.

Thanks Hammer for those links....I've read through your BPD thread...lots of head nodding and ah-ha's from me.

Hanks TerpGal too for your perceptive and summary. The psych has suggested DLT to help AH deal with feelings and behaviour, and ACT to help him manage his anxiety. DLT in particular is pretty new to Australia and as such the waiting list would see him get a spot in January 2015. Of course it's a minimum of 2 years, 1 being therapy, and 1 of group work. Thats the program that he and his collegaues run at the hospital hes attached to. AH wont commit to that!! I could see if there is any other program's or practitioners....but it will be wasted time.

Hammer.....genetic hey? My poor boy....has genetic learning disabilities, SN's bc of early birth, and now has alcoholic and BPD genetics added to his menu of life. I adore my little man....but far out, how could I have picked such a crappy genetic pool for him to be made from?

Thumper you've hit the nail on the head for me. Will write more on that...need to get started on DS's speech therpy !!!

Hammer

Those "numbers" are just numbers.

As parents we just have a BIG job.

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From that Psych Today article:

"As children, they are hard to parent," says Palmer. In the absence of exceptional parenting, they never achieve self-regulation or a stable sense of self and never learn to tolerate any distress."

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I have lost track. Are you doing Alanon? Yunno I call it "The Good Daddy Club," to my kids. They laugh about that.

Santa

XAH this week diagnosed with BPD. It all fits. I too worry about my son Jarp, who has struggled with depression and loneliness. And of course my guilt for not selecting from a better gene pool. It's not as if I didn't realize XAH had serious problems before we even got married.

readerbaby71

I'm sorry, Jarp. My sister has BPD and I had to detach with love from her a long time ago. We still have a limited relationship and I honestly wish we could be close like we were as kids, but I can't stand the lying and manipulation. She truly can't help herself. Her mental illness stems from very early childhood abuse, before she was adopted by my parents. Her life has not been easy by any stretch of the imagination. She quit drinking about 2 years ago but is back at it. It makes me so sad. She's actually a very kind and generous person and has come a long way but it will always be a struggle. There was a time I didn't think she'd make it.

Just sharing my ESH. I hope you don't think I was trying to make this about me or my family. My heart really goes out to you. I know how difficult it can be.

Ursula745

Not encouraging. Nor is that fact that this therapist has been seeing him for years a before you knew him and still isn't engaged in treatment. I fear that says a lot about where this is headed. Hugs to you ....

jarp

Thanks everyone. When our counsellor suggested BPD I said I really thought that diagnosis would help me move on emotionally from him. I have known a coupe of people with BPD, and one is now dead (suicide) and the other lives a hell of a life, and her family continues to suffer. Her father is my friend and he's told me the MOST horrendous stories...I've watched her disorder almost break him. To know that it's not 'just' an addiction, that's it an underlying disorder that isn't easily treated would see me detach.

But that's not whats happened. I don't know why. But it's engaged that side of me that feels a lot of empathy for him. It must be he'll on earth to feel that bad, and that empty inside. I feel sorry for him. And I think that he's actually probably worked bloody hard to get as far as he has in life. I can see now what purpose drinking served....but now it's come to bite him in the bum.

My feelings aren't going as backwards as to breach any of my own boundaries....I just feel deeply sad for him. But it is disturbing me what this wiggly feeling inside where it's making me want to 'help' again.

I'm staying the course don't worry....I realise that my version of 'help' is not a good one....and that I need to detach with love.

But the anger has gone, most of the intense sadness for myself has gone...and I'm left with feeling so sad for our child, and actually feeling great compassion for him.

I just have to keep my eye on those wiggly feelings.

allforcnm

Jarp,

Not to take you off SR.. but maybe it would be helpful if you could ask his psychiatrist, or your therapist .. or just look around .. for a family support group dealing with mental health issues now that you actually have the diagnosis. I do think it adds a very important angle, not to change your self care but in understanding and coping, finding peace, and maybe in regards to worries you have over your kids.

I think your doing quite well. best wishes...

Croissant

It's only been very recently I suspect my Father has BPD. Non alcoholic, but addicted in every other way, spending, hoarding, women...probably many things I don't even know about.

I relate to you feeling sorry for your husband and strangely wanting to help. I can only say what I've noticed in my own interactions, is I realised (finally), that my Dad isn't helpless.