Codependence
 

I am divorced. I started seeing a man right after my breakup. I am so attracted to him and know that he is not good for me. It's a sexual relationship. He has made it clear that he does not want a relationship. He works out of town most of the time and I know he is seeing someone else there too. He drinks- is he an alcoholic? That I don't know. He claims he drinks a lot. He also let me know that he had cheated on his ex-wife for the last 5 years of their marriage.

Knowing that he is a cheater, unavailable, and most likely an alcoholic- why do I feel such attraction to him? I know that it will not work- not only because of these things- I think that we really do not have much in common. He would not fit into the life I want. However, the sex has been amazing and I lacked a good sexual relationship with my ex. He is attractive. He is wealthy. These are the only things I can think of that I like. He has even told me he has anger management problems.

Before any one tells me to run, I know. Intellectually I really get it. He seems to be pulling away from me and I am sad. I know with every fiber in my being that he is no way good for me in any way.

I guess my question is- knowing this intellectually that I have no business fooling with him- how do I stop obsessing over him. I mean, when he is home, I wait for his booty call. I can't believe I would even let myself lower my standards. I know I am rambling. I just wish I could make the longing I feel for him go away.

No contact. It's the only way....l very difficult at first, that's forvsure....

But you know this isn't what you want your future to look like.

So don't run.... But stay away......

Hugs to you

I started seeing a man right after my breakup.

and thus the pattern continues....you may have ended the relationship, but you kept the DYNAMICS going, you just inserted a different player.

you can change this. now. you know this is not good for you. so you stop it. you use new tools, you refuse to let yourself get pulled back in. you stop the cycle now.

even if it hurts. or is uncomfortable. change is like that. nothing changes if nothing changes.

So if he only wants you for sex, and you only want him for sex, what's the problem?

This is why I've been broken up for a year and am still not even willing to consider dating. My "type" is/was unhealthy for me. Still not ready to test my recovery with dating.
I was talking to a couple of gals after an Alanon meeting and they were telling me about other younger single members like myself who have had great success meeting men on match.com and christianmingle. (Hint, hint)
I almost threw up in my mouth, but I was polite. Just said, "Between the kids, my job and service work, I'm too busy to mingle." We all got a laugh out of that, but it's true, and I make sure it stays true. Dating is the danger zone for me.
Find something else to occupy yourself. For me an internet dating site would be like a neverending vial of crack for an addict because I am a relationship addict. And it sounds like you might suffer from the same affliction. Not judging or insulting you, but I recognize the symptoms when I see them.

I would go full throttle if he would let me. Meaning I want more than sex. I would like to "date" him.

why? what do you see that HE has to OFFER you? you said he is a "cheater, unavailable, and most likely an alcoholic" what about that is desirous to YOU??

Anvilhead is reading my mind. Once you take sex out of the equation the only thing left to "date" is an @sshole.

How exactly does one introduce that to their family and friends: "Oh my God, I can't wait for you to meet him. He's such an @sshole."

You don't want to date him. You want him to be the person you want to date. It's not the same thing.

Anvilhead has a very good post on codependency, and our attraction to what is familiar, so that we can play out our re-wounding.

Does he resemble a parent? Your ex?

How do you stop obsessing was your question. Hmm. Some kind of recovery program is my first thought, but that may be the more long-term healing answer. In the short term I agree with the others who have said no contact. Just like quitting any substance cold turkey. Get him out of your system. It will be painful and the withdrawal may make you want to run back. But stay strong and go no contact. My 25 cents.

If you go no contact, it may very well trigger his issues and his level of contact attempts might spike for a time. He might be more attracted to someone who does not want him as well. Or he may fade out no contact.

You deserve a partner who can emotionally be there for you. It might be a first for you. It might be scary. But it changes up your pattern....

Bingo.
And that was my pattern to. For decades.
It can be broken.
And when it is, you will feel whole.

When I was 23, my father committed suicide and my marriage broke up. It was just too much to take on emotionally, I couldn't cope with being alone, and I started a relationship with a charming (at first) rich guy who not only drank excessively, but had a heroin habit! He was a complete @$$hole, too.

However, with the benefit of hindsight and a lot more life experience, obsessing about him was a way of avoiding the overwhelmingly painful experiences in the rest of my life.

You need to process the emotions around your previous breakup, and learn the lessons from it, before you can even think of moving on to a healthy relationship. Once the rich junkie had scuttled out of my life, I was left alone for the first time in years - and I'd say the next couple of years were a period of massive personal growth. I sought professional help a few years later to make sense of it all - but I'd say to anyone that you need to feel happy within yourself before you can be happy with anyone else, at least in the long term. I found Robin Norwood's book 'Women Who Love Too Much' very, very helpful in claiming back my own life and stopping the obsession with others.

Loving relationships come from a full heart, not an empty one.

Thanks everyone. I do understand intellectually that I don't want him. I also know that I would be repeating a behavior that I do not want to repeat. It's just the "feelings" that I am struggling with. Its been a long time since I felt wanted, desired, etc. I will be fine and bounce back. Everyday is better. Just takes time.

I am reading Codependent No More...what you described in this post made me think of what I have learned in the first half of this book. I suggest that you look through the free sample on Google Books. You can read three or four chapters for free.