bostonlucy

I will try to keep this brief.

My twin sister has been an alcoholic for several years. Every so often she'll go a month or so without drinking and then fall back into her old routine.

This most recent time, she was sober for about a month and a half. During this time, I told her that I still didn't want a relationship with her until she did three things:

- Stayed sober
- Got a job
- Took care of herself (went to the doctor/cleaned her house/"normal" things)

Yesterday, she sent me repeated text messages and I didn't respond well. I told her that I didn't like the way she treated people and that I didn't want a relationship with her until she did those three things.

I was very honest with her about my feelings towards her. I have a lot of anger/resentment that I need to work through and I don't trust her, but I did say I was glad she was sober and to keep it up. The rest of the text conversation was petty, repetitive arguing (she may or may not have been drinking at this time). Eventually, I told her I didn't think the conversation was benefitting either of us and I stopped responding.

Today, I found out that she started drinking again and is in the hospital as a result for the fifth time in the past year. When my mom told me this, all I could say is that it was my fault. My mom agreed with me, saying "she is still in a fragile state and can't handle criticism like a normal person would."

I have read that only the addict is responsible for their behavior, but I can't help but feel like this situation is my fault since she was doing so well until we had our text message "argument."

Has anyone had a similar experience? How did you handle it? Should I feel guilty? Should I apologize? I know my parents are blaming me at least in part for triggering her behavior. I feel terrible. Any insight is appreciated.

Thanks.

Santa

Her decision to drink has nothing to do with you. Your parents need to get educated about alcoholism. You need to realize that the only person who controls whether your sister drinks or not is your sister.

BuffaloGal

You did the right thing when you stopped responding. You're correct, the conversation wasn't benefiting anyone. Alcoholics have been known to pick fights when they want an excuse to drink. It sounds to me like that's what was going on. It isn't your fault and you didn't trigger her behavior. She drank because she's an alcoholic.

LadyinBC

I'm an alcoholic and believe me I could find plenty of reasons to drink and not one of them was ever my fault. It's just a bonus for us when someone else will take the blame.

Don't do it. Do not take the blame. You are not responsible and it's not your fault.

The only way I could move forward in sobriety was by taking responsibility for my own behaviour. This is something your sister needs to do. You set boundaries and honestly that is a big thing in my honest opinion. It is one of the hardest things someone can do, to set boundaries, so you should actually be proud of yourself.

hopeful4

Oh honey, I am so sorry. It has to be painful to see your twin in that state.

She will have to come to a point that she handles stressors in her life without turning to alcohol. That is what recovery is like. No one gets the chance to walk through life with everything perfect. It's how you handle the times that are not perfect that counts when you are in recovery, or not in recovery.

It sounds like your mom must tip toe around her a lot. That is not going to help her or your mom either. The manipulation that results wears everyone out.

I say good for you. An alcoholic will not choose sobriety until the pain of their consequences is bigger than the reward they see themselves as getting when they drink. You are giving her a chance to change.

Tight Hugs...

WendyOR

I am sorry that this happened. As stated before in this post, often times A's pick fights or arguments only as a motive to drink. I was so upset, he/she made me so angry. I was so uptight I needed to relax. I missed my kids so much I just needed that drink. The list can go a mile long, yet in reality, it is an excuse, and they will find any excuse to do so and put the blame on that person or situation.

Keep your boundaries. Your conversation did not lead your sister on a path of drinking. Your sister's addiction lead her to the path of drinking. That is what it is.

It is natural for us to feel guilty when these types of things happen you know. That is where we need to work on ourselves. That is where we need to understand we can't change it, cause it or cure it. We also can't take the guilt for it. That is not our place nor ever will be our place, and if we think it is, in any one of those categories, that is where we need to work on ourselves.

I am sure it is a tough one, with it being your twin. I know a lot of twins and there is a special bond there. When you talk to your parents, you may want to inform them of sites similar to this, so they also can seek help in the knowledge of this and stop making you the scapegoat in this situation, and quit enabling her with the behavior. I am sure that they too will soon be a victim to the blame that caused her to drink one night, and further allow her to keep putting that message of it is not her fault on others.

For now, keep reading and learning. This is not, not loving her... this is loving her enough while still holding onto your dignity and loving yourself enough to not allow the brainwashing that her behaviors have anything to do with you.

Be kind to yourself.

m1k3

Something I learned here really helped me with stuff like this as it relates to other peoples drinking. It's called the 3 C's.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

See made a choice and it is hers and hers alone.

((((Hugs))))

Your friend,

NYCDoglvr

It is NOT your fault she drank so much she was hospitalized. Since she has had periods of recovery she knows that we alcoholics have a choice of whether to drink or not. I hope you can let your guilt go, you didn't tie her down and pour alcohol down her throat!! I had to sever ties with a drug addict aunt who was abusive to me, I didn't see her until I went to her funeral. I felt guilty but I also knew that if I let her say terrible things to me then it was MY fault, not hers.

SeriousKarma

Oh Lucy, Lucy, Lucy,

It's one of the C's!!!

My God! It's the first one!

No, you didn't cause her to drink again. I know your parents are hurting right now, but they were wrong to suggest that you had anything to do with her falling off the wagon. Their need to shift the blame from her to you is only going to cushion her fall. Perhaps they don't mean anything by it, but I suspect they've done this before. It hasn't worked in the past, and it isn't going to work now. You didn't cause this any more than they did. She put the bottle to her own mouth.

Please keep coming back here for support. And maybe try Alanon if you haven't already. It's a great place to get the tools and support you need to help yourself through this sort of family chaos. (((((( hugs ))))))

bostonlucy

Thanks for your support, everyone. It has really helped me as I process the recent events. My sister is still in the hospital (the cops have her in for mandatory 72 hours), so at least I know she is safe for the time being. I will keep trying to educate my parents, but it hasn't gone well in the past, which is kind of discouraging.

Thank you for confirming what I knew in my head to be true. Sometimes it takes the heart some time to come to terms with what the mind already knows. Seriously, it means a lot to me.

SeriousKarma

BostonLucy, Would/Could anyone at the hospital suggest to your parents that they go to Alanon or a similar support group for family members? Would hearing it from a healthcare professional make any difference?