Dont even know wherr I am right now
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
Dont even know wherr I am right now
So RAH had his "graduation" from rehab today. He is discharged on Friday. He had to give a speech and it was all like please remember who we were before addictions because that's who we are again......etc, etc, etc. Now I know he has taken this extremely seriously from what I have seen from him and heard from his counsellors. He's definitely motivated but I just wanted to laugh maniacally and scream "Bull S". I don't believe a gosh darn word and I said so, not in a nasty way, that right now he has A LOT of work to do to prove that to himself and everyone who has been left in his wake. I don't trust him further than I can throw him and he knows it. He kept saying, "all I can do is to try to demonstrate it one day at a time".
Truth be told, I don't know if I can ever trust him again, and I don't think I can ever forgive him, which I know (at least the forgiveness part) will only eat at me in the long run. Holding onto poison like that. How do you even begin to forgive? How do you even begin to let it go? I am trying to give it to my HP, but it doesn't seem like my HP will take it, or even wants it. Forgiveness has always been a sticking point for me because there is the sense in small part that if I forgive someone, I tacitly condone what they did. Which I know logically is not the case........that forgiveness is for me and not the other person blah blah blah. I get stuck on the "forgive and forget" thing. Because I will NEVER forget the crap he put me through while he was active. The abuse, on every level imaginable. From a gentle kind, caring person to a monster of the highest caliber as the alcoholism progressed. Is it even fair for him OR me to stay in a relationship with someone who I can't forgive or trust?
Truth be told, I don't know if I can ever trust him again, and I don't think I can ever forgive him, which I know (at least the forgiveness part) will only eat at me in the long run. Holding onto poison like that. How do you even begin to forgive? How do you even begin to let it go? I am trying to give it to my HP, but it doesn't seem like my HP will take it, or even wants it. Forgiveness has always been a sticking point for me because there is the sense in small part that if I forgive someone, I tacitly condone what they did. Which I know logically is not the case........that forgiveness is for me and not the other person blah blah blah. I get stuck on the "forgive and forget" thing. Because I will NEVER forget the crap he put me through while he was active. The abuse, on every level imaginable. From a gentle kind, caring person to a monster of the highest caliber as the alcoholism progressed. Is it even fair for him OR me to stay in a relationship with someone who I can't forgive or trust?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I left when I knew the trust was irretrievably broken.
Forgiving doesn't mean you have to forget (you won't) or that you have to stay in relationship with anyone.
Forgiving is in your head & heart. It is what you go forward with into the rest of your life. It isn't about him understanding that you forgive but can't forget - and it doesn't mean you have to ever talk to him again. Follow your gut instinct.
It took me a while after my divorce before I was able to forgive him. It didn't matter to him one bit. I didn't even tell him.
Forgiving doesn't mean you have to forget (you won't) or that you have to stay in relationship with anyone.
Forgiving is in your head & heart. It is what you go forward with into the rest of your life. It isn't about him understanding that you forgive but can't forget - and it doesn't mean you have to ever talk to him again. Follow your gut instinct.
It took me a while after my divorce before I was able to forgive him. It didn't matter to him one bit. I didn't even tell him.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
TerpGal, if you truly feel you are done, then you have every right to say so. You have no obligation to trust him, now or ever again, and you have no obligation to give him another chance, even if he never touches another drop of alcohol and becomes a model husband and father. NONE WHATSOEVER. If the trust is irrevocably broken, if you no longer want him in your life, you get to make that happen. You need no one's permission or approval. And only you know if you're at that point.
You are also not obligated to forgive him, now or ever. Chances are good that at some point you will do so, but there is simply no reason for you to struggle to do so now, when he is fresh out of rehab. You need to work thru your own recovery and heal your own wounds. You are not tied to his timetable in any way.
I also think it's good to be reminded of "one day at a time." Just b/c he's graduated his rehab doesn't guarantee anything at all about the future. If you don't trust him today, don't want any contact today, don't feel forgiveness today, that is perfectly acceptable. No decisions carved in stone and set for all eternity need to be made right now--or ever.
Someone posted this to me last summer when I was debating whether or not to take a particular course of action when I found out that my AH had been drinking and lying yet again, and I found it helpful. I hope you do too:
I get the impression that you are really hurt and are reacting from that hurt place, instead of a centered place. Instead of getting the wheels in your head spinning out of control about things that might happen ten steps down the line, I would try to slow down and deal with this moment only.
It isn't that I don't agree with taking action. I just think you need to take action from a strong place rather than a hurt place. In my life, I do better when I break things down into pieces.
Wishing you strength and clarity, TerpGal.
You are also not obligated to forgive him, now or ever. Chances are good that at some point you will do so, but there is simply no reason for you to struggle to do so now, when he is fresh out of rehab. You need to work thru your own recovery and heal your own wounds. You are not tied to his timetable in any way.
I also think it's good to be reminded of "one day at a time." Just b/c he's graduated his rehab doesn't guarantee anything at all about the future. If you don't trust him today, don't want any contact today, don't feel forgiveness today, that is perfectly acceptable. No decisions carved in stone and set for all eternity need to be made right now--or ever.
Someone posted this to me last summer when I was debating whether or not to take a particular course of action when I found out that my AH had been drinking and lying yet again, and I found it helpful. I hope you do too:
I get the impression that you are really hurt and are reacting from that hurt place, instead of a centered place. Instead of getting the wheels in your head spinning out of control about things that might happen ten steps down the line, I would try to slow down and deal with this moment only.
It isn't that I don't agree with taking action. I just think you need to take action from a strong place rather than a hurt place. In my life, I do better when I break things down into pieces.
Wishing you strength and clarity, TerpGal.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
You don't have to stay with him if you don't want to. You don't need any m ore reason than that, either.
I believe we have discussed this before.....don't you believe me?.....LOL!
At least 50% of the people who marry divorce because they are miserable for one reason or another. And they aren't all alcoholics and addicts!!!
I am just saying that unhappiness o n a person's part can be enough. You are the only one who lives in your own skin. You are the oonly person that you have to answer to!
dandylion
I believe we have discussed this before.....don't you believe me?.....LOL!
At least 50% of the people who marry divorce because they are miserable for one reason or another. And they aren't all alcoholics and addicts!!!
I am just saying that unhappiness o n a person's part can be enough. You are the only one who lives in your own skin. You are the oonly person that you have to answer to!
dandylion
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