I got a letter!
Supply Manager
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
I got a letter!
My son sent a letter! He IS in rehab and he is saying all the right stuff. He is there until the beginning of May and then outpatient and a program where he can live when he gets out. And a job. And a sponser.
It is a 3 page letter and I have not even seen his handwriting since he was 16! A gift!
He talks about losing everyones trust. He talks about the program only like someone who is there could.
Now what I need from you guys is to reel me in. Tell me to keep my expectations low...please!
And what do I write back? I WILL write because, for one thing his letter is something I can hold, and maybe if I write it can be the same for him. And I am still afraid of hearing his voice. He is such a con.
Maybe Pernell can tell me where I can safely tread...and all of you! HEEEEEELP!!!!!
I luv you guys!
Paula
It is a 3 page letter and I have not even seen his handwriting since he was 16! A gift!
He talks about losing everyones trust. He talks about the program only like someone who is there could.
Now what I need from you guys is to reel me in. Tell me to keep my expectations low...please!
And what do I write back? I WILL write because, for one thing his letter is something I can hold, and maybe if I write it can be the same for him. And I am still afraid of hearing his voice. He is such a con.
Maybe Pernell can tell me where I can safely tread...and all of you! HEEEEEELP!!!!!
I luv you guys!
Paula
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Just Tired
As you probably know, my son is an addict, too and I share your happiness right now. I know we all worry, even at our happiest moments, about being let down. And we may be let down, again. Or we may not. We are powerless over the circumstances that will decide how we feel, but we are not powerless over our ability to build strength to survive.
I shared a story on another post, a story that just came to me as I was posting, but one I have thought abour a lot since.
My husband and I used drive to Florida every year (from Toronto) and when we fot to Kentucky, we always drove through a place called "Claytons Creek". We always went through there at night and it was a creepy little place at the lower part of two mountains (the Smokies I think). We stopped there one time, and it was sooo creepy we left in a hurry. It was probably the only creepy part of the whole trip.
But after many trips, it didn't seem as creepy anymore, because we know it was there and we knew what to expect, so we could plan accordingly (gas up, check the tires, etc.)
And the truth is that it probably wasn't so creepy in the daylight, it was more our fear and perception of how creepy it might be than the actual place itself.
Like you, I love my son with all my heart and I, too have taken the roller-coaster ride of emotions that goes with all this.
I have learned to bask in the good times, enjoy to the fullest every good moment, letter, phone call and hug. I have learned to survive the bad times, and accept that it is all out of my hands (that took me many years and many tears to learn).
My son will finish his program next week, and already I can feel the "What If's" creeping back, but while he has been in program, I have enjoyed my conversations and weekly visits with him and I have built up strength in my recovery so that I can endure or enjoy whatever is to come. I only have one meeting a week, so these rooms have been a Godsend. Also, he goes to court May 7th on his first ever charge and I pray that will go well for him since he is working on his recovery - but that too is in God's hands.
I have met so many "moms" here who share the same pain and strength. It is so good to know that we are never alone, in these rooms and out of them.
I will say a prayer for your son and every addict's mom here.
Enjoy freely and fully your good moments, they are not to be wasted in fear or "what ifs".
Good Luck and God Bless
Ann
As you probably know, my son is an addict, too and I share your happiness right now. I know we all worry, even at our happiest moments, about being let down. And we may be let down, again. Or we may not. We are powerless over the circumstances that will decide how we feel, but we are not powerless over our ability to build strength to survive.
I shared a story on another post, a story that just came to me as I was posting, but one I have thought abour a lot since.
My husband and I used drive to Florida every year (from Toronto) and when we fot to Kentucky, we always drove through a place called "Claytons Creek". We always went through there at night and it was a creepy little place at the lower part of two mountains (the Smokies I think). We stopped there one time, and it was sooo creepy we left in a hurry. It was probably the only creepy part of the whole trip.
But after many trips, it didn't seem as creepy anymore, because we know it was there and we knew what to expect, so we could plan accordingly (gas up, check the tires, etc.)
And the truth is that it probably wasn't so creepy in the daylight, it was more our fear and perception of how creepy it might be than the actual place itself.
Like you, I love my son with all my heart and I, too have taken the roller-coaster ride of emotions that goes with all this.
I have learned to bask in the good times, enjoy to the fullest every good moment, letter, phone call and hug. I have learned to survive the bad times, and accept that it is all out of my hands (that took me many years and many tears to learn).
My son will finish his program next week, and already I can feel the "What If's" creeping back, but while he has been in program, I have enjoyed my conversations and weekly visits with him and I have built up strength in my recovery so that I can endure or enjoy whatever is to come. I only have one meeting a week, so these rooms have been a Godsend. Also, he goes to court May 7th on his first ever charge and I pray that will go well for him since he is working on his recovery - but that too is in God's hands.
I have met so many "moms" here who share the same pain and strength. It is so good to know that we are never alone, in these rooms and out of them.
I will say a prayer for your son and every addict's mom here.
Enjoy freely and fully your good moments, they are not to be wasted in fear or "what ifs".
Good Luck and God Bless
Ann
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Posts: n/a
Here is a poem I found 
On Letting Go
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.
-- Unknown
On Letting Go
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.
-- Unknown
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Morning Glory!
That's one of the best things I've read about "letting go". Thank you!
Paula...
Please don't let thoughts of what might be destroy your pleasure in what is. You got a letter from your loving son in rehab. That's wonderful!
In the book I just finished reading (Addictive Thinking), the author discusses recovery and relapse. He assures addicts who slip that they are not back at square one. He likens it to a trip to the store on an icey sidewalk. Two blocks from the house, you slip and fall. BUT, you are still 2 blocks closer to the store than you were.
You can't know, of course, how well your son is going to be able to keep his footing.... but he is 2 blocks closer to the store!!!! Hallelujah!
Love,
Smoke
That's one of the best things I've read about "letting go". Thank you!
Paula...
Please don't let thoughts of what might be destroy your pleasure in what is. You got a letter from your loving son in rehab. That's wonderful!
In the book I just finished reading (Addictive Thinking), the author discusses recovery and relapse. He assures addicts who slip that they are not back at square one. He likens it to a trip to the store on an icey sidewalk. Two blocks from the house, you slip and fall. BUT, you are still 2 blocks closer to the store than you were.
You can't know, of course, how well your son is going to be able to keep his footing.... but he is 2 blocks closer to the store!!!! Hallelujah!
Love,
Smoke
Supply Manager
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Thanks everyone,
Smoke-I was just thinking along the same line and if I may take the liberty of adding to your analogy...that icy road is going downhill so if he tries to turn around and go back where he started he can't...he keeps slipping back 2 blocks.
I think perhaps I am over estimating my importance in his life. A young man has alot more going on than worrying about his mother. So I will stand back and be one small part of the cheering section and try to remember my place in all of this. He doesn't need to hear about MY program, or MY opinions about his. I will simply tell him that he sounds great, and that we love him and wish him well.
The person in all of this that really needs my support is my H. He is out there swimming in the pond with no program and none of you for help. He cried when he read the letter.
It has occured to me that this ride will NEVER be over...so I may as well settle in and enjoy the scenery. I can almost hear the clink...clink...clink...clink...as the roller coaster pulls me to the top of the hill.
Now I better go find that duck call, and the skillet (I had to buy one because I never recieved my welcome packet)and set up my duck blind. I burned the Sherlock hat because just SEEING it gets me all excited...
Love you guys!
Have I told you that lately?
Paula
Smoke-I was just thinking along the same line and if I may take the liberty of adding to your analogy...that icy road is going downhill so if he tries to turn around and go back where he started he can't...he keeps slipping back 2 blocks.
I think perhaps I am over estimating my importance in his life. A young man has alot more going on than worrying about his mother. So I will stand back and be one small part of the cheering section and try to remember my place in all of this. He doesn't need to hear about MY program, or MY opinions about his. I will simply tell him that he sounds great, and that we love him and wish him well.
The person in all of this that really needs my support is my H. He is out there swimming in the pond with no program and none of you for help. He cried when he read the letter.
It has occured to me that this ride will NEVER be over...so I may as well settle in and enjoy the scenery. I can almost hear the clink...clink...clink...clink...as the roller coaster pulls me to the top of the hill.
Now I better go find that duck call, and the skillet (I had to buy one because I never recieved my welcome packet)and set up my duck blind. I burned the Sherlock hat because just SEEING it gets me all excited...
Love you guys!
Have I told you that lately?
Paula
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
Paula,
That is just wonderful you got a letter from your son! I can imagine how happy you really are! Keeping your expectations low takes practice. The keeping in mind about him being that much closer is great food for thought as well. Hang in there. I'm happy for you.
Love,
bonbon
That is just wonderful you got a letter from your son! I can imagine how happy you really are! Keeping your expectations low takes practice. The keeping in mind about him being that much closer is great food for thought as well. Hang in there. I'm happy for you.
Love,
bonbon
Guest
Posts: n/a
Here goes, My 3rd attempt at posting a reply, or more like a cry for help.
My son is a 23 year old addict.
He no longer lives with us because of this.
How do I accept that I cannot force him into
treatment.
How do I watch him slowly kill himself.
I have the hardest time doing nothing.
I feel as though I have to fix everything.
I am sure this sounds very familiar to all.
Any and all responses welcome.
Thank you in advance,
Theresa
My son is a 23 year old addict.
He no longer lives with us because of this.
How do I accept that I cannot force him into
treatment.
How do I watch him slowly kill himself.
I have the hardest time doing nothing.
I feel as though I have to fix everything.
I am sure this sounds very familiar to all.
Any and all responses welcome.
Thank you in advance,
Theresa
Member
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Butler Pa
Posts: 77
Hi Everybody
Thank you Morning Glory for the excellent Letting Go post!! One of the best I have read also.
Theresa. .Welcome! You are at the right place to learn how to deal with this destroying disease of addiction. There are many mothers who post here (myself included) who provide caring and thoughtful,loving exchanges to help each other.
There is so much valuable information in many past posts so take sometime to read them. .they are archived on the bottom of each separate message board. Pay particular attention to the headings that refer to mothers.
If you can, make every effort to get to live support meetings for yourself such as Naranon or Alanon. These are meetings where you will also meet people who know how you are feeling and will provide you with real comfort and peace especially when you are feeling so so desperate. (and you will absolutely receive the same when you visit here at the Alanon or Naranon board). The support meetings usually can be located through your local mental health or drug and alcohol services in your community.
You will hear over and over again that you did not cause the addiction, you can't control the addiction and you can't cure the addiction. This is true but seems (I think)to be a little harder for parents to accept particulary the "cause" one...but you will learn if you keep coming back.
I set myself up last evening . .again. .for feelings those feelings of "I am the worst parent in the world." Our community is experiencing an epidemic of heroin abuse and our local drug task force has been having seminars all over the area to educate people about this. (which is great!!) But here is always someone in the audience (I've attended two) that wants to "blame the parents." Of course, I spoke up in "defense" but it really hurts to hear that and it taps into all that negavity that lurks inside of me . .but I will keep on keeping on. .especially with the help of my friends here!
This has been a literal life-saver for me. .lots of wisdom and even some laughs!
Plese say a prayer for me today as my daughter is also quacking about going into treatment . .again. .not to get my hopes up. .remember it is just quacking unless there is action.
So welcome again Theresa. .and Love to all of you angels. .
Maureen
Thank you Morning Glory for the excellent Letting Go post!! One of the best I have read also.
Theresa. .Welcome! You are at the right place to learn how to deal with this destroying disease of addiction. There are many mothers who post here (myself included) who provide caring and thoughtful,loving exchanges to help each other.
There is so much valuable information in many past posts so take sometime to read them. .they are archived on the bottom of each separate message board. Pay particular attention to the headings that refer to mothers.
If you can, make every effort to get to live support meetings for yourself such as Naranon or Alanon. These are meetings where you will also meet people who know how you are feeling and will provide you with real comfort and peace especially when you are feeling so so desperate. (and you will absolutely receive the same when you visit here at the Alanon or Naranon board). The support meetings usually can be located through your local mental health or drug and alcohol services in your community.
You will hear over and over again that you did not cause the addiction, you can't control the addiction and you can't cure the addiction. This is true but seems (I think)to be a little harder for parents to accept particulary the "cause" one...but you will learn if you keep coming back.
I set myself up last evening . .again. .for feelings those feelings of "I am the worst parent in the world." Our community is experiencing an epidemic of heroin abuse and our local drug task force has been having seminars all over the area to educate people about this. (which is great!!) But here is always someone in the audience (I've attended two) that wants to "blame the parents." Of course, I spoke up in "defense" but it really hurts to hear that and it taps into all that negavity that lurks inside of me . .but I will keep on keeping on. .especially with the help of my friends here!
This has been a literal life-saver for me. .lots of wisdom and even some laughs!
Plese say a prayer for me today as my daughter is also quacking about going into treatment . .again. .not to get my hopes up. .remember it is just quacking unless there is action.
So welcome again Theresa. .and Love to all of you angels. .
Maureen
Supply Manager
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Welcome Theresa!
There are several of us Mom's here, all in various stages of recovery. Some of us have been in the trenches for quite a while.
My son is currently in rehab for the first time and that is after 10 years of watching him continually hurt himself. Some of our children have been in and out many times.
My point is this. Get comfortable and fasten your seat belt because this is going to be long ride. Even if he stopped using today we tend to torture ourselves with thoughts of relapse.
My suggestion...learn about addiction by reading/posting here, or meetings, or tap the wealth of information out there.
As a mother I had to fight alot of guilt along the way. Those were some of my darkest days but I have come to realize that I did not cause this. My son made his own choices. I cannot control it. Step One...we are powerless over alcoholics/addicts. And I cannot cure it. Only the addict can do this for themselves.
You will hear alot of slogans here like "Let Go" (read above) and Detach (Love the addict...hate the disease) and may find some or all of them helpful at different times.
You are right on the money when you say you can't force him into rehab/recovery. So what do you do? Take care of YOU during this trying time.
And we are all here to help...
Come back and keep us posted!
Paula
There are several of us Mom's here, all in various stages of recovery. Some of us have been in the trenches for quite a while.
My son is currently in rehab for the first time and that is after 10 years of watching him continually hurt himself. Some of our children have been in and out many times.
My point is this. Get comfortable and fasten your seat belt because this is going to be long ride. Even if he stopped using today we tend to torture ourselves with thoughts of relapse.
My suggestion...learn about addiction by reading/posting here, or meetings, or tap the wealth of information out there.
As a mother I had to fight alot of guilt along the way. Those were some of my darkest days but I have come to realize that I did not cause this. My son made his own choices. I cannot control it. Step One...we are powerless over alcoholics/addicts. And I cannot cure it. Only the addict can do this for themselves.
You will hear alot of slogans here like "Let Go" (read above) and Detach (Love the addict...hate the disease) and may find some or all of them helpful at different times.
You are right on the money when you say you can't force him into rehab/recovery. So what do you do? Take care of YOU during this trying time.
And we are all here to help...
Come back and keep us posted!
Paula
Guest
Posts: n/a
To Paula and Maureen<
Thanks for your words of encouragement.
It is great to talk to other moms.
We as moms have been taught to take care of and look after our kids, now is the time to release them and look after ourselves, (a novel concept for me, as I am sure it is for many of you.) A therapist once told me:
Theresa lives her life through others - no truer words were ever spoken.
This morning I woke up to this thought:
I have lived for others my whole life, everyone coming first, me usually last, I can
continue on this path, or I can change it.
I am choosing to change it.
Love and hugs to all of you, and thank god
for websites like this one. My prayers and thoughts are with you both. I hope and pray
that your children find the strength to heal
themselves.
Theresa
Thanks for your words of encouragement.
It is great to talk to other moms.
We as moms have been taught to take care of and look after our kids, now is the time to release them and look after ourselves, (a novel concept for me, as I am sure it is for many of you.) A therapist once told me:
Theresa lives her life through others - no truer words were ever spoken.
This morning I woke up to this thought:
I have lived for others my whole life, everyone coming first, me usually last, I can
continue on this path, or I can change it.
I am choosing to change it.
Love and hugs to all of you, and thank god
for websites like this one. My prayers and thoughts are with you both. I hope and pray
that your children find the strength to heal
themselves.
Theresa
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